is this what sadness looks like?

she was bright and shiny most of the time. doom and gloom some of the time. i said she'd end up dead and she now she is dead. she was my best bestest of friends at one time. we are in shock, which is no shock really.

she took the pills and said goodbye without saying goodbye.

molly why did you think so badly of the world that you had to leave it?

molly you know how much i loved you.

that's the way i see it today.

Not a compliment: Leslie, you seem like you would be a good sales person! That makes sense that that is what you do.

Compliment: Really, sales? That is not what I would picture you doing at all. Sales? Hmmm...that's weird.


Comment number one was from an uncle several months ago when they, my aunt and uncle, took me out for lunch and gave me a cat.

Comment number two was from this morning, a friend of 7 years, ran into him on the train at 730am. He asked, "What is it you do, anyway?" Last time he and I spoke of jobs (mine, in particular) I was a reading tutor on the west side of Chicago for underprivileged children. I loved that job. That's where I was first called Miss Leslie. That was like, four years ago.

This morning in the sales meeting we discovered that I had the best sales last week. I sold $8,851 worth of promotional products. Go me. My biggest order was for 7,000 New Mother's Kits, to Sudbury District Health in Canada. Good clients. Unfotunately, I still did not make my weekly sales goal. If you do the math I actually sold -$4,149. (I was supposed to sell somewhere in the vicinity of $13,000.) By the way, this number is supposed to be 'motviating'. I am supposed to see that and be all, motivated.

I am going to be about numbers right now.

If I made my sales goal every week, I would make this company $676,000 a year. If I got 10% comission, I would make $67,000. That would be nice. (I don't make my sales goal) and I don't make comission. I make less than half that salary. Considerably less. The thing is, I am thinking about it. I don't really want to be thinking about it. But I am. Go away, thoughts about money. I hate you. Bleh.

caramel macchiatos and nina simone

and here i sit wondering that it took me this long to discover the wonder of nina. ne me quitte pas. moi, je ne parle pas francais bien, mais je sais qe'elle est tres tres magnifique, non? je prendrait des courses de langue plus d'huit annees.....mais, let me just quit that right now. it's been too long since i had to write in french. ah the starbucks.... and the first espresso i have had in maybe two years, settling in, as i get ready to write an article that at this moment i do not want to write. much rather cuddle on the couch with the cat and watch bad television. instead i am ingesting caffeine preparing for an all-nighter as though i were still in college. note: i am not still in college which means i can't stay up all night, go to class and then take a nap afterwards, no i have to stay bright and shiny for nine hours at work after this. ugh. well maybe i will miss the deadline. i'm such a bad journalist. ugh. ugh. i know that in my lead i want to talk about the definition of family and how it has changed over the years, the problem with that notion is trying to say something like that without cliches is like trying walk through a puddle without splashing. one must walk very carefully.....plus i only have three human sources and technically i should have, well, more. but i was looking through the mag and (the good thing about mags over papers is) they seem to like social commentary by the writers as much as social commentary by the interviewees, meaning, I can get away with writing this in the first person and spouting a few opinions of my own, even an experience or two of my own, which goodness knows, i've had...thing is, i hadn't, up til now, thought to write in that kind of voice. hence, the espresso. i need to ponder this one awhile. nina is hearing the sound of mandalays. i want to hear the sound of mandalays too, trouble is, i am not sure what a mandalay sounds like.
ok. hmmm....ok i got a paragraph, founded in absolutely no fact at all but it's a start. it's a start in the right direction certainly. now you know what i realize, i am hitting another milestone. i have had this assignment for weeks, i have sat down to write it at least 4 times, each time giving up. and you know why??????because of that stupid cigarette. writing like that, begs calls screams for nicotine. i am so so so so so so so wanting a cigarette. i take the deep breaths. but each time i pause and search my brain for the solution to the word puzzle i'm figuring, my body calls for the inhaling pleasure of smoke. don't worry i am not going to crash. i am just saying it because saying it sometimes makes it go away. ok. wish me luck. by the time i get your wish, hopefully i will be done with this baby. cigarette free and done. this saturday makes two months of no smoking. who knew?????