Train musings

I don't like to write about negative things. My fingers hesitate to immortalize a thought or observation that is buried in anger or frustration but mostly because I've grown more superstitious and my extremely gullible self read "The Secret" and has taken the philosophy spouted in that book and established a core belief in certain aspects with a decisive rigidity.





With that as my disclaimer, I begin.





I have begun to despise my commute. For the first time in my time here in the city of Chicago (since June 2000) I find myself on the dreaded red line, day in and day out, during rush hour. Up until now I had always snickered about the red line train. I was a blue line gal, a bus gal, a brown line gal....the red line stank. It was crowded. Overcrowded with an abundance of despicable Cubs fans. But alas, my job leaves me with no other option.





At first, I thought I was being overly judgy. (yes, that is a word. in my universe, where capital letters don't always belong at the beginning of a sentence, judgy is indeed, a word.) But no, I have seen more racism, obstinancy, ignorance, intolerance and stupidity on this train over every other commute I have ever had. And with 6 jobs and an active social life, I've had a lotta commutes.





Anyhoo. (also a word) I actually have to go meet a friend. So....more on that later??? Yes indeed.





This time, I'm a-walkin'...

Overshare?

I only have nine minutes to write this. I have a naseaus belly. If I had had sex, I would think that maybe I was pregnant. Instead, I have been suffering a slight case of food poisoning all day. Which is why I am not at work. I am instead at the public library, where, if I need to run to the bathroom, I can do it in anonymity and shamelessness.

A thought has been growing in my mind as of late. It has to do with the interweb and my own growing ideas of how to treat these blind vehicles of sharing. I say blind because even if my face is plastered all over the internet, you are still not DIRECTLY interacting with me, nor (except in the case of skyping or vlogging) do you have my voice ringing in your ear with my facial expressions to match...which is such AN important and thus far underrated form of communication.

Anyhow. I made a comment to a friend once that making an announcement of FB is like standing in a room with all 600 of your friends, (bosses and grandmas included) and saying what you just said..."I hate my girlfriend" or "Skank ass hoes need to recognize" and so on and so forth. And when you are standing in a room where your boss can hear everything, or that guy you just met at that party that friended you last night....don't you feel a little differently about what information you share? And aren't you worried that your oh-so-deadpan humor won't be picked up on by your slightly clueless aunt who likes to comment on EVERYTHING even remotely interesting that you write?

Just think about it. Ok. 45 seconds to go. I'm out.

Letter to myself, from myself.

Dear Self,

I just wanted to let you know that despite the way things seem right now, they will get better. But it's important to tell you this right now...they will get better because things inevitably do, and then they get worse again. It's the inevitable cycle of growth (we know that), but some of the things that need to get better will NOT get better unless you, yes YOU, do something about it.

See, despite your past, and all the horrible things that happened to you, despite current injustices and things that happened that make it hard for you to believe you are lovable, some of the things that suck are things that ARE within your power to change.

Forget all those bullshit adages that well-meaning yet annoying people spout off to try and make you feel better or feel inspired...."no one will love you until you love you" or "when you stop looking that is when it will happen".....phrases and sayings are often times just bullshit words that only act as a mask to cover up the fact that there is REAL WORK to do here. It's going to be hard. It's going to be hard and yes, you will have to work with some handicaps that other people do not have. Stop looking at those people. Looking at them does not get you to your goal, you do. Those people suck. Sometimes they are fun to hang out with. Leave it at that.

The people you should look at are the ones with handicaps, visible tangible ones, maybe...like that girl who lost her arm and does triathlons anyway. Or that guy who lost his legs and perserveres anyway. Those people do not suck, but they are on tv sometimes and you can watch them.

At the end of the day, and in the beginning, and in the middle, you should be working on taking the next step. Some of those steps will be incredibly painful. Sometimes you will feel ashamed. Some of those steps will be made in anger. But they are steps, and if you keep taking them, the payoff will find you, maybe even before you expect it.

People love you-sometimes they are not good at it. Doesn't mean they suck, just means they are human, like you. Remember that when you are feeling underappreciated at work.

Just keep taking the next step, get the fuck outta bed and have a day. Keep your eyes forward and your legs moving.

Love,
Yourself