And so begins the replenishing process, that of my soul, my bank account, my ambition, my confidence and my lessons.
I have been at it about 3 weeks now. I am ingesting a wealth of thoughts and realizations and trying to manage the stimulation that I am overwhelmed with. I am happy and fearful. That much is certain. I am so full of bloggable thoughts that I am yet uncertain how to put it all down here and right now am content to have an explosion of words just end up on the screen, even if it is not making of sense.
First I guess I want to talk about need.
Six years ago when I got my first consistent office job (you know, lasted longer than a few months, included health insurance and required a college degree just to walk through the door) I really thought I was on the up-and-up. I was convinced of my ability and talent and I was looking forward to having a new definition of self as it related to career.
What I did not realize at the time, was that I was also looking for my self-esteem. I was looking for a new kind of friend, the ones I had been spending time with were slipping away into life changes and oblivion. I did not yet recognize the trend of me looking for lost parental love in the guise of friends and work, not yet, but I felt the pangs of need. So when things went south there, when I realized my amazingness would not be recognized and in fact, I would be made into a scape-goat, I was absolutely devastated. When I climbed out the ocean of this experience, I dove back into uncertainty with a new job where I felt the same excitement as before, but felt a wariness that I was unable to place.
Now, with my hindsight glasses on, I can see which parts of those jobs and experiences were just the shit luck of the draw, and which parts were enabled by me. More importantly, I can see which parts I let slide because of my desire to be liked and loved, where I was a victim of injustice and when I should have stood up or walked out. I also discovered my own nature when it comes to work and the workplace. I learned about my demeanor, how people react to it, how easily misunderstandings arise and I learned a lot about professionalism and candor.
I'd like to think I am bringing into this job a lot more wisdom and self-awareness and self-love than ever before. But what I am discovering anew with these last three weeks, is the limits of my capacity, and how I can manage them so as to get the most out of my ability, and how fear and desire can help maintain humility and conviction and perseverance.
For example, fear of being late and 7 months of mornings to myself has caused me to realize that I need to create a morning for myself in order to be ready for the day spiritually and literally. I now get up at least an hour and half before I have to leave for work in order to give myself time to wake up fully, eat a large healthy breakfast, pray, watch tv, wash dishes, clean and other such things. I may soon add working out to this venture, which may mean I need to get up even earlier. Doing so gives me SOO much peace of mind and keeps me from starting my day with guilt and justification (thinking about how to explain why I am 5 minutes late to my boss). It also allows me to rev up for the day, which I'm hoping will pay off with lots of success down the line.
Additionally, because I start with a spiritual morning, I no longer notice nor feel the need to find soul-mate best friends at work. This enables me to work harder and with less distraction, while still keeping mindful of the need to be welcoming and friendly to the more than 120 folks I brush elbows with in the day.
Of course, what this ends up doing, though, is driving me with a need to chat in the middle of the day. I have no FB at work, and I check emails but do not send any, so on my lunch break I have found myself dialing like a madwoman, hoping one of my girlfriends is around to chat. Similarly, when I get off of work, and am walking to the train, I start to call around aggressively. And yet, once I get home, I am done. Don't call me after I walk through that door, I am done. Time once again, for me time. For spiritual unwinding. A few gals and guys, and family, make the short list. In other words, if they call after 7 or 8, I may answer. But that is a short list.
This is what I need in order to replenish for the next day. I think it may not always be like this. I may be able to fill my evenings with more eventually. I will have to, in fact, to reach certain life goals. But I'm first on my list of people to take care of these days. I love it. I feel good about it. I look forward to all the TLC and learning I will get these next few...months, days, years...oh heck, let's make it lives. In all the Worlds of God.
