Yesterday the reason I don't drink coffee reared its ugly head and I was all, "Oh, yep,there it is...those crazy anxiety-filled shakes are back again." Sure, I wasn't tired anymore, I was bouncing off walls and strangely giddy, but I was also shaky and nervous and full of forboding. All off of a Grande Coffee with caramel syrup from Starbucks. Don't know why it took so many days for it to happen. Maybe it just had to be the right conditions. Just as I was settling into the habit, my true chemistry with the liquid revealed itself, my metabolism adjusted and reality finally settled in. Coffee and I are not friends.
I just thought recently maybe we could be. Especially since I have been trying to change my schedule and get up at 430 am so that I can do things like work out and job search and overall do some of the things I am not having time for in other parts of my day-things that need to be accomplished with a vengeance this month....
I'm tired a lot and this seemed like a good solution. But...it's not. Sigh.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
new addict
i have been drinking coffee. not something i have been known to do. let's hope i can nip it in the bud before it's too late! also, summer posting....not something me or any of my friends have really been doing. too fast too fast!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Thursday, July 03, 2008
A Justified Justification
So in light of a recent rodent infestation in my once cute and charming, unique garden apartment, my overall laziness and reluctance to touch ANYTHING, my place recently had reached new heights of dirty and messy. After many talks with the landlord, some tears and the notice of an impending visitor, I began the long chore of cleaning about two months ago. And believe you me-it really is a months-long job to clean what I have let go to shambles in my place, plus I’m busy a lot.
But seriously over the last few days and weeks I have felt an opening of my soul as each day sees one part of the grodiness dissipate. I have been reevaluating my ownership of things in general and my attachment to material possessions. I am moving in a month and I decided it was time once and for all to rid myself of clutter. Funnily enough, two of my closest friends who once lived here in Chicago recently dumped on me some of their possessions in an effort to rid themselves of clutter. Some of it was good stuff and allowed me to upgrade on my current possessions, but I plan to get rid of half the things I acquired. I just have a hard time saying no to free shit.
But what I would really like to talk about is the fact that I threw away a huge bag of clothes yesterday and though I felt a slight twinge of guilt about it-I think I have managed to justify myself out of recrimination from…..myself. Which is good, right? Good ole’ human brain, working to achieve cognitive resonance. Is that a term? Cuz if not I just made it up..yeah, I just did that.
But anyhow, I recently lost some weight, (I can’t stop talking about that!) and ALL of my clothes, even new from this winter, are too large. And although some of them still look OK on my person, I still feel like I am swimming in them and that they hide the fact that I lost weight and I have to adjust them all the time to avoid showing inappropriate parts of my flesh-damn inappropriate shoulders. Which is no good. But some of those items are good items. As in kind of new. Like the gray pants I threw away. The buttons work. There are no stains. But they look like tent pants now. Yes I could have waited until someone came along and took me to a place where I could donate them. I could have even gone to one of those green containers strewn about the city and threw them in there. But instead I tossed them. And with them I tossed my fear of ever needing to wear them again. And by losing the pants, I gained the confidence that I can always set my mind to something and accomplish it if I really want to. Booya. Justification.
All the other things I tossed were for fashion’s sake (things older than 10 years and not in a good, retro kind of way) or because they were too dilapidated, stained or ripped for it to be fair to give to anyone else! Now there are still quite a few things that I own that I should rid myself of. I have not gotten rid of all the big clothes. I am still going to rock them for a bit until it becomes more financially reasonable to completely replace my wardrobe. But there are also about 8 really thick, Minnesota sweaters I’ve had since Mom bought them for me, either in 1996 or 2000, I cannot remember. A couple of flannels, I just never get tired of those things, really. A corduroy dress that I have not worn since high school. But these are things I think I will save forever, the scent of nostalgia is too strong on the threads of these things.
I am almost done with the things I wanted to do around the house. Of course in a couple weeks I will start packing, which will motivate a new strain of reflection and cleaning that I think, now, I will be able to manage.
I still have to vacuum.
But seriously over the last few days and weeks I have felt an opening of my soul as each day sees one part of the grodiness dissipate. I have been reevaluating my ownership of things in general and my attachment to material possessions. I am moving in a month and I decided it was time once and for all to rid myself of clutter. Funnily enough, two of my closest friends who once lived here in Chicago recently dumped on me some of their possessions in an effort to rid themselves of clutter. Some of it was good stuff and allowed me to upgrade on my current possessions, but I plan to get rid of half the things I acquired. I just have a hard time saying no to free shit.
But what I would really like to talk about is the fact that I threw away a huge bag of clothes yesterday and though I felt a slight twinge of guilt about it-I think I have managed to justify myself out of recrimination from…..myself. Which is good, right? Good ole’ human brain, working to achieve cognitive resonance. Is that a term? Cuz if not I just made it up..yeah, I just did that.
But anyhow, I recently lost some weight, (I can’t stop talking about that!) and ALL of my clothes, even new from this winter, are too large. And although some of them still look OK on my person, I still feel like I am swimming in them and that they hide the fact that I lost weight and I have to adjust them all the time to avoid showing inappropriate parts of my flesh-damn inappropriate shoulders. Which is no good. But some of those items are good items. As in kind of new. Like the gray pants I threw away. The buttons work. There are no stains. But they look like tent pants now. Yes I could have waited until someone came along and took me to a place where I could donate them. I could have even gone to one of those green containers strewn about the city and threw them in there. But instead I tossed them. And with them I tossed my fear of ever needing to wear them again. And by losing the pants, I gained the confidence that I can always set my mind to something and accomplish it if I really want to. Booya. Justification.
All the other things I tossed were for fashion’s sake (things older than 10 years and not in a good, retro kind of way) or because they were too dilapidated, stained or ripped for it to be fair to give to anyone else! Now there are still quite a few things that I own that I should rid myself of. I have not gotten rid of all the big clothes. I am still going to rock them for a bit until it becomes more financially reasonable to completely replace my wardrobe. But there are also about 8 really thick, Minnesota sweaters I’ve had since Mom bought them for me, either in 1996 or 2000, I cannot remember. A couple of flannels, I just never get tired of those things, really. A corduroy dress that I have not worn since high school. But these are things I think I will save forever, the scent of nostalgia is too strong on the threads of these things.
I am almost done with the things I wanted to do around the house. Of course in a couple weeks I will start packing, which will motivate a new strain of reflection and cleaning that I think, now, I will be able to manage.
I still have to vacuum.
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