Dashboard Dreams 2

I am no longer angry. I made it home after all and the world did not end just because I was sleepy all the next day. Funny how that happens, right?

But I find myself struggling with the blaring truth of the matter. My anger rests in fear (doesn't it always?) of driving. Of being in cars with certain people. After much speculation, I can only conclude that my fear is of death and injury. But is it really? Am I afraid of dying? I don't think so--loathe to experience physical pain, maybe, but of my death not fearful at all. I am afraid of living, I think.

Of the kind of living that goes with the knowledge that others died while I survived. The kind of living that goes with rebuilding muscles and mending bones, of sight loss or hearing loss-I could elaborate on this but I know that in the end these are things, in and of themselves, that I will deal with in time and I will survive it and even find happiness again.

What I really what I want talk about is the financial debt it could put me in.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness may have been right, but living with mass debt is no picnic. Quite stressful, and has already affected me physically without the aid of a car accident. I wonder if maybe I weren't so soldered to material things if it would matter....I don't know, confusion.

What is money, right? I guess I see it as having two choices....I could attempt to change my whole nature of being and just not mind that all the money I make goes straight to people who are not me and will threaten me with owing them more money if I don't pay up as quickly as they want me to, OR I could accept the fact that I want certain "comforts" and security and work my butt off extra hard and long just to get to a place where that is a possibility.

I still play the envy card on a fairly regular basis, even though I've worked so hard in the past year to put that behind me. I am envious of people "born into" money. People whose parents paid for school. People who have worked as hard or less hard than me and have way more to show for it. Case in point: Paris Hilton. Not trying to hate, but come on!

I had this roommate in college who called herself a Rich Bitch. She was and she wasn't. Was rich, not so much a bitch. I actually liked her a lot. But she came home one day from her Buddhist religion class the day they talked about karma and she said (somewhat tongue-in-cheek, perhaps) that she must have been really good in a past life to get where she was today.

At the time I rolled my eyes and went into my bedroom and cried, because according to her deductions, that meant I must have been a pretty bad person in a past life. (I mean, if you know me, you know what my childhood was like) Of course, I don't understand karma but I am fairly certain her understanding missed the mark a little.

The point is I notice that an inordinate amount of people with money seem to believe they have it because they are better or more deserving than your average person. The question begs, do people without believe the opposite, that they don't have it because they are less deserving? On some subconscious level, maybe. People (ME) without definitely feel frustrated and trapped at times. I am just one female, supporting myself....what must it be like for families? Disabled? Seniors? They not only live without or less, they live with the knowledge that climbing out the hole may be nearly impossible for them.


I have the dream, the dashboard dream, if you will, that someday I will make enough money to pay ALL the bills and save money and afford creature comforts besides. I dream that someday I will be able to buy a car or a stereo, or take myself out to eat in a nice restaurant once a week. Frivolous? Probably. But my belief that I will acquire the earning power to do these things is perched on the edge, like a nickle on the dashboard. Don't stop too fast, or my dream will fly to the floor and get lodged between the seats.

Dashboard Dreams

It's cold outside. I am stuck here in Minnesota waiting for my louse of a twin brother and his lacksidaisical girl to come pick me up. They were supposed to arrive at 4 PM. It is now 5 PM. Rumor has it they won't show until 10PM and I'm pissed and I want a cigarette.

Stuck, of course, is the key phrase. If I had a friend available or a place to go besides the basement to tap at my youngest bro's computer I wouldn't really be stuck, I'd be "socializing."

Leaving late would not be an issue if it didn't mean I would be gettting home around 3 or 4 in the morning. I am a VERY cranky person at that time of day. Ok. I am bitching...I had this plan and now these two days are pissed away. I really think I should go smoke. Just to spite my lungs.

The Jets and my life

No, not the football team, either.

I mean, remember the Jets? The band? Tonight, it's been a year...since we met each other here. In my heart, I'll pretend....and so on and so forth.

The song is in my head because it has been nearly a year since I started working here. Nearly a year of not waiting tables. Maybe I need to change the name of the blog. Could be, who knows. My life is definitely a musical today. Holiday party tonight and good friends to meet up with later. Life couldn't be better than the chocolate bread I had for breakfast.

Well, it could be a little better.

Anyways I just wanted to mark a little milestone to myself. MARKED. ok. Not gonna say what it is but let's just say when I was 17 I never thought it could happen. Lo and BEE hold, it has. Must mean my other goals are attainable. Like the one where I get the amazing career.

Let's have a party we'll all dance...if you can tell me what song that is I will give you a million dollars when I become a billionaire. I promise!

futility

I find that I wonder more and more often at the futility of my job. Don't get me wrong-I harbor no illusions pertaining to world-saving and what not- I just am amazed at how upset people get about imprinted items. There is a lot of stress in the day to day's with my clients, you know? I just wonder at the importance they place on stuff, that, well, sucks!

ok, more later

halloween

is my favorite holiday. actually that is a lie. My favorite is definitely Thanksgiving. Last year's kinda sucked b/c we ran out of food. I brought an uninvited guest and my uncle was kinda upset about it. I just hope the 'rents work things out and can be amiable enough for a decent dinner this year, the year I can finally afford to go home to my Dad's cooking but they keep (the rent's that is) threatening divorce.

we'll see!

FLOR-REE-DA

I am writing this under the assumption that a certain someone will not read it, but in case s/he does---you know you need help. I love you and I will be there for you when you are ready to get it and in the meantime, I don't know.

But I love Florida. Well, I love sunshine, not so big on the peeps. The locals were like the southern tropic version of your Midwest variety small town folk. Kind of nice, kind of scary and and kind of right wing. (oh yeah, I said that already, scary) But the beach was awesome, despite my now paralyzing fear of fucking bull sharks which apparently swim in as shallow as two feet of water.

I stayed in at three feet and that was a risk-a-roo for me but worth the joy nonetheless. Love the beach house, too. Looking forward to going back. NOT looking forward to watching first rate a certain person kill themself with any possible addiction possible, including anorexia, bulimia and just plain drunken stupidity.

I was drained when I stayed up and watched you try to destroy your pain with any poison imaginable....and finally saw you off to sleep. I know you probably do that shit all the time when you are alone and this time I happened to be there and it was less of a deal for us to see it than for you to hide it this time....like we didn't already suspect anyway......but just wanted to get it out. You really really really need help. I am definitely concerned for your life. I know I told you this in person and I may tell you once more but after that I don't want any more responsibility.

So there it is. Florida, see you again next year!

funny funny

Visit the best page in the universe this man is HI larious. know what I'm saying. I have an inkling to be offended, but the laughter keeps coming and all inklings go out the window. His I ROBOT evaluation was on point.

Straight up, yo. Word. I would link it if I knew how but that "know how" flew out the window with my ex.

Ever notice how when your life moves toward the clearing at the end of the path, certain things cling to you of what once was? Like the vocabulary I seem to have a knack of picking up like nettles in a overgrown forest. I use the word YAR, now. I believe that was something I picked up from this guy I dated.....also the phrase "I'm just saying is all, I'm just saying...." and "lame" ---that from some surly Californians I have had the pleasure of delighting and offending at the same time. Go figure. Go Figure? I picked that up from inside my head.....

Time to go!

loves. me.

Dead Bird Flying

Ah, the corporate world. I'm not even in the corporate world in the sense of suits and suckers, and 1,000 plus companies with stocks and bonds and big Christmas parties....but I do work in a place where the birds coast daily to their death into the mirrored sides of this eight story building. And a client just told me my company has a bad case of IBM-itis. I am not really sure what that means...but he implied that we thought we were a little too big for our britches. I laughed WITH him, of course, because I am such a talented schmoozer.

But I do make a steady sal and have a new pair of glasses for all my troubles of getting up at 6 in the morning. I even joined a gym, and promptly increased my calorie intake to balance out all that...fat-burning. I take the train every day and have a complicated strategy about where to sit to get the most sun and the least amount of shoulder and butt-brushing, and even got that tax-free card people seem so excited about. I tell you what, I know something you don't know....

I know that getting paid regularly has a sweetness even the dead birds can't sour.

But I am in the process of joining the birds rights activist group in the building.

We are campaigning shortly (leaflets and protests in the front) and will soon take our demands (bird decals to give those poor things better depth perception) to the building owner en masse. Head activist Miri has consistently fought the battle single-handedly for some time but I think she is running out of juice.

Ok well, I must sign off for now but until next time....

pedastal

you held me in your thoughts
in your arms
and in your mind....

picture perfect memory lane
ten years of sorrow
or joy, however we touched it

too easy to forget
the way you whispered my name
the way your lips tasted
too easy to remember when

the night has grown too long
and cold only brings the feel of your
hands on my skin to burn

ten years from tonight
who knows what memory will give
giving to love what never was lost
in the first place

Is this the end?

mah nam man na.
I saw some good ole Sesame Street the other day. They say the show is geared towards 2-4 year olds but this 24 year old (+ 2) still gets that warm and fuzzy feeling when learning to count with the man with ten cakes. And I still always laugh hysterically when he falls down the stairs.

I saw the Manamanas and I sang along and it was like being with old friends- the letters A and M, and the number 9. What would I do without A, couldn't spell CAT, you know. Or HAT. Or MAT.

Oscar the grouch was always my favorite, so grouchy and mean.

I DO, DO YOU?

So I see how it is. A woman on public radio the other day (albeit, very intelligent sounding) kept insisting gay marriage was wrong because the term "marriage" is defined by being between a man and a woman.

"That's how it's always been," she said.

I don't like when people use that false logic. Someone pointed out to her that marriage used to be seen as proprietal-a woman was the property attained by a man. She was asked if her husband saw her as property, and she vehemently denied such a demeaning prospect. And yet, she couldn't give any other reason why gay marriage was wrong.

The way it's always been. PSHAW, I say. After awhile she tried to say the "studies show" that children in two parent households do better, two parent/man/woman households, that is. Again, false logic. Two parents, NOT man/woman is the key element here. Mature loving adult is key here, too.

Anyway, I have been curious to hear more arguments about it, because it helps to know what your adversaries and cohorts are saying.


A friend of mine put this on Fster. I'm inclined to pass it around-

HYPOCRITES

Rick Perry, Texas’ Governor and
George W. Bush’s Lieutenant Governor, is in the
process of going through a divorce due to his
wife catching him having an affair. This
particular affair was with a man. Not only a
man but also a fellow Republican in the Texas
government. Considering the current drive to
alter our Constitution and ban gay marriage it
seems appropriate that Bush’s right hand man
having a gay affair should be news. Especially
when Perry personally appointed the man he was
having an affair with to his current position.
This message may seem like dirty pool but since
we are in one of the most destructive
Presidencies in recent history it seems
appropriate to do anything to stop its
reelection. Not to mention you know this would
be news if it had been a Democrat. Demand to
know why this story is being buried. Force it
into America’s consciousness.

The Writer's Husband....

How does that sound? Good? Weird?

I remember in high school one day while perusing the library book collection I found a hard-cover book entitled "My life with the Indians."

I was surprised that my school would have something so seemingly outdated but really it was the first time I realized concretely there was such thing as a gaze, a POV, one that carried power and authority. I also realized that for various reasons, I would probably always be on the receiving side of such a powerful look.
****

bell hooks talks about the gaze in several of her essays, about how slaves were hung and severely beaten for looking a white person in the eye. These days, she might maintain, this patriarchal white view has been internalized, and every day women and minorities are suspending their own realities in order to participate in many aspects of mass culture.

I went to B&N yesterday and saw evidence of my own suspension in contemplating a new book to read. I noticed a trend which I later confirmed on Amazon:

The Astronaut's Wife
Ahab's Wife
The Pilot's Wife
The Time Travelers Wife
A Hustler's Wife

Though some of these books are written by a woman, the titles refer to the main character of each book in terms of how she is defined by being the wife of someone. As though her status as an individual is/must be defined in term of the man she is attached to. POV. To men we are their wives, daughters, whatever. To be fair, that men see us that way is not bad.

But to ourselves, that we are not first ourselves,  we are wives, girlfriends, etc, is something I find disturbing.

Put the word "husbands" in Amazon and you will find one movie "An Ideal Husband" and a number of books on how to find and keep a husband. Again, men are the subject, women are the adjective. Or, white is the subject and black is the adjective.No where do you see stories of men's strength and triumph couched in terms of his marital status. 

Heck I don't know. I am just thinking at my keyboard, now. But I do know that I sometimes think about writing a book called "My Time with the White People" or better yet, and more microcosmic, "My White Friends-A Study in Whiteness" or even "The Writer's Husband."

oh love, fuck love

let's paint a pretty picture:

girl meets boy
girl hits on boy
boy asks girl to "go steady"
boy tells girl "i love you"
girl gets giddy. just giddy.
girl thinks things are going too fast
girl starts to worry, as girls do
boy starts to get annoyed?
boy ignores girl on phone
boy ignores girl at his house
boy ignores girl in general
girl tries to break up with boy
boy doesn't get it
girl doesn't get it
who started it?
what should girl do next?

Oh No, An Angry Feminist!

I've been reading THE BEAUTY MYTH. Good stuff. Yeah, and it's making me angry. An angry feminist. Although I am not always angry, I am always a feminist.

Anger point #1: Crunch Fitness' new ad campaign. 300 virgins (oh, I mean, elliptical machines) waiting for you to what? Rape them? As if we couldn't make enough connections between those ridiculous female beauty standards and sexual purity (a virgin is like a new stairmaster, step me up to heaven, please). And really, as if men needed yet another reason to go to the gym, or maintain any view that women are conquests and not human beings. "Yeah, dudes, I fucked her first, took her virginity and she liked it, I mean, what a good workout!"

Anger point #2: Meg Ryan in this month's issue of Jane. Come Meg, get over it. Yeah yeah, being in the limelight is tough. No privacy, life sucks. But demeaning a movement that has been nothing but a benefit to you and saying you didn't realize that sex sells, even yours, is a little shitty, or stupid, I don't know. Face it. You are a role model. I know the stereotype about shallow actors but do you have to fit it so perfectly?

Anger point #3: Jane magazine. I used to like it. I aspired to write for it. Now I fantasize about Bitch mag instead.

Winter Blues

Lots of snow today, little to say. Well, lots to say but no time to think it out and write it down. so we'll part with something quick to write and joyous to think about: FOOD.

I really like food. I have a suspicion that I might be addicted to it, you know, like, if I don't eat, my body will shut down or something. I don't know, I never tried it. But I think there is something to do with withdrawal, like quitting smoking....maybe some fainting or passing out. Not really sure.

****

One aspect, maybe the only aspect, I miss about working in a restaurant is the food. Especially the last restaurant where the food was high-quality, which I can't afford now without that lovely discount I used to get. I miss it.

Right now I am thinking about going home and stirring some fry. But I might just take my broke-ass self out to eat.

I'll do it if you do it!

It's funny to me that in a society where the political situation is such that in the last forty years or so one political party, in conjunction with the rise of individual partisan politics, has managed to effectively diminish the strength of the other party--so much so that so many of MY friends and peers are the ones who do not vote.

As a woman, and as a black person, I take pride in my right to vote, even if the outcome in this day and age is not (or ever has been?) really in my favor. Change can take time, but will never take place if we don't keep chipping away at the block that has been built against us. It seems to me that for at least three of the people that I know well who do not vote, the primary reason is more sheer laziness than apathy, but they themselves have given other reasons. One has taken a POLITCAL stance, for example, she is a vegan protestor who feels that we SHOULD be living in multi-party nation when in fact, we live in a two-party nation.

The following is part of an email conversation my friends have been having about why TO vote.

friend #1
yes I will feel ripped off if Bush is back in office, but it
won't change my decision to vote. Only through my vote, your vote,
the next person's vote, and so on is change possible. If too many
people act (or don't act in this case) along the lines of "oh my vote
doesn't matter cuz Bush will be re-elected regardless", there is no
doubt he'll get a 2nd term. Get out and vote! ;)

friend #2

I vote because:

(1) It's one of my only rights afforded me in this
country, and my diaspora ancestors (since my family is
immigrants) couldn't. Many died fighting for this
right because it's recognition of your individual
influence in this country....and recognition of you as
a person/citizen (which they weren't)

(2) Someone's going to get elected anyways so why not.
So if you don't vote don't EVER bitch about problems
in this country that are decided by
politics/government, cuz you "gave" up your right
(speaking in general).

Yer such a rebel...

Saw Rebel Without A Cause this weekend. What a great movie. Sal Mineo's adoration aside, that James Dean IS one hot ticket.

Always wondered what movie the stupid Paula Abdul video made a reference to, but now I know. Although I always suspected it was American Grafitti, which I also have yet to see.

Dang, now I got "Rush, rush...what you do to me," in my head. Crap.

Up Here In Job Heaven...

By the way, I did it. I got a job. Not a dream one, but a decent one. The kind you can write home to your parents about. The kind that gets you out of bed in the morning (6 in the morning) to walk along the windy streets to get to... the kind where you are not supposed waste time at by writing in your blog.

Well it's good up here. Real good. I can see my old job down there, kind of wasting away. I think it misses me but it's hard to tell. If ever I get a chance to, I'll tell it how much happier I am here. I'm being taken care of, and the world is better place because I was there, but now I am here. And even though I am no longer a disgruntled waitress, maybe I always will be at heart.

Can you pay my...

Fashion modeling and prostitiution are the only professions in which women consistently earn more than men.

Hmm....

And women on average are still earning 74 cents to men's dollar. Yet we still have the same bills to pay, even more if you consider the cost of make-up, shampoo and other products and women's clothing, which is generally more expensive than men's clothing.

Given all that, you can be sure I'm gonna let the man pay for things.


(And yeah, sucker, I know I don't HAVE to buy lipstick and lotion, but I'm gonna, and because I do, and millions of other women and girls DO, this country for many years has had an economic leg to stand on.)

FADED VOICES

corner gas station attendants
hand me my change and my destiny
with a smile

while buses pass by
taking with them the
promise of going places
unseen

black ice invades
as it lays covering ground
covering nights
that fade like memories
and like voices

dark gives way to bitter light
and people on the street
shiver to bring back that feeling
of warmth of better days
which are always better
when in the past

i walk alone
listening to the faded voices
in my mind

Beyond Good and Evil

One of the reasons that the Lord of the Rings trilogy is so popular is the epic evil vs. good struggle. In real life, people attempt every day to reduce others to these polarized definitions of evil people and evil acts, and good people and good acts, and the varying levels of success that they have in acquiring the buy-in for these definitions seem to inform the way these individuals live their lives and leaders run their countries.

From my personal point of view, the US is not an evil country, but is a place from which many evil acts are performed and because of this I am mostly not proud to "be an American." I said as much to some fellow servers and my head was figuratively ripped off. So here I am, with no figurative head, speaking without a figurative voice, and still I maintain my opinion.