Emotional Disconnect

My life is changing again and not clearly for the better, or rather, it is a leap into the unknown at the moment. For the last couple of years I have been lucky and blessed to have something in my life, something of which I cannot speak plainly at this point in the world of blogging, but suffice it to say it is something I will deeply miss. And in the foreknowledge of change I have been standing on the precipice of sadness and fear, which is not usually a place one prefers to be. But this coming change, along with the reading of a certain model of oneness has brought about some seriously new seriously deep self-awarenesses that I did not used to own.

For example, I recently realized that I have a deep rooted fear of people discovering I am worthless (wait, doesn't everybody?) but that this fear is driven by the very strong belief that it is true and so I am always semi-consciously trying to impress people I've just met with my perceived and yet disbelieved worthiness to delay their discovery of the truth. I also use the fact that I have a very short list of 'bosom' buddy soul mates as a sign that I am in fact, not worthy of more friendships, never mind the power and strength of these very important friendships. I always assume one should be surrounded by love as much as possible. So much do I believe these things, that when I begin to bond with a person who does not subsequently become a dependable person who calls me all the time, invites me to their birthdays or ask me how I am doing or if I want to hang out on a Friday night, that I immediately catalog the reason for this as being "I am not worthy of their friendship." Of course then I hate that person for awhile and imagine all sorts of ways I can hurt them the way they've hurt me. This, of course is a problem for several reasons.

But let me digress for a moment here and comment on something ELSE that also just occured to me almost this very minute, that I have a latent (and arguably true) belief one should be surrounded by love as much as possible. Let me also point out that through no one person's particular fault, from age 0 to age 7 I was not surrounded by proper love at all, mostly I was just locked in a basement or beaten or abused. Then, in an attempt to create in me strength and resilience, the parenting I received from 7 to age 18 was that of intellectual reasoning, firm resolve and strictness. Rarely admiration or affection at that time--never was I certain that the me that I was deserved anything, certainly not the wealth of loving support and inherent belief in my greatness that I have since seen many other parents give their children. I knew I was loved intellectually but never grew sure of my right to it and always longed for the reckless abandon of affection. I think that this lack has lent itself to a perceived exacerbated need in my present life to attempt to manifest lots of love to make up for the past. According to a therpist I once had, though, this can never be regained, not from people anyway, not to make up for a childhood now past.

It is this belief of needing to be surrounded by love and the other, that I am not deserving or worthy that has me on this endless road of frustration and essentially self-inflicted pain. In the past, I let people mistreat me because I thought that was the only way for me to find love, sounds crazy I know but crazy is as crazy does. I used to spend time with people whose favorite pastime was to humiliate me because I thought I could make them be my friends. I have also let bitterness stand in the way of true human camaraderie with people who, though not meant to be my bestest of friends, could and would provide unlooked for love and support, just because they did not call me to hang out with them regularly, or canceled plans with me when I was so much looking forward to it. I never recognized that hurt as something not belonging to the situation at hand. But now I do, which is of course, very liberating.

I have a handful of friends who are my soul mate best friends, all of which love me deeply and their love gives me strength, they are most of them in different states or countries which can be challenging, of course, and my family and I have grown into an affectionate love that did not previously exist, and I still think that I will quest for love as much as I can, both in giving and receiving, but I think the journey will be less painful, more eye-opening and accepting. I am blessed, I know, to be on this path. And I look forward to things as yet unknown.....

Think it out.

"The reality of man is his thought, not his material body. The thought force and the animal force are partners. Although man is part of the animal creation, he possesses a power of thought superior to all other created beings.

If a man's thought is constantly aspiring towards heavenly subjects then he does become saintly; if on the other hand his thought does not soar, but is directed downwards to centre itself upon the things of this world, he grows more and more material until he arrives at a state little better than that of a mere animal."

'Abdu'l-Baha, Paris Talks

"O My servants! Could ye but aprehend with what wonders of My munificence and bounty I have willed to entrust your souls, ye would, or of a truth, rid yourselves of attachment to all created things, and would gain a true knowledge of your own selves-a knowledge which is the same as the comprehension of Mine own Being. Ye would find yourselves independent of all else but Me, and perceive, with your inner and outer eye, and as manifest as the revelation of My effulgent Name, the seas of My loving-kindness and bounty moving within you."

Baha'u'llah, Gleanings

Wow, okay. So If I could but aprehend it, all my attachments would fall away? And a true knowledge of self would emerge? Lately I have been struggling with absolute faith and trust. Trust that the pathways will open for me and that abundance is what God most wants for me. I am a victim of thought, negative thought, sheltered thought, imprisoned thought and thought bogged down by my past and though it riccochets back and forth with positivity, joy and love, it still exists. I have been grinding down my inner awarenesses, however, peeling away the onion and lately every day a new awareness emerges and that is really exciting. I am looking to vibrate on higher frequencies and eradicate the shadow of doubt that obscures my path.....here's to perserverance and determination!

Craver

My cravings have not been particularly distinctive. Mostly I have just wanted food in general. But at the moment I am craving a nice submarine sandwich, with lettuce tomatoes and meat and cheese. Specifically the lettuce and tomato...now that I have written about it I can promptly forget about it-as a friend suggested.....

I am in love with a 20-year old Scottish boy named Paolo

Paolo Nutini - Last Request lyrics

I am also quite enamoured with this young lady:

Blogilicious

I am infinitely better this afternoon. Internet speed greatly increased. Weather minutely warmer, just enough to fend off cranky. And the sun shining and a well-written letter executed and sent. It does not fail to amaze me how long it takes for me to write somethings sometimes though. I have been here for four hours. Granted the first hour and a half were spent surfing and trying to find a song online whose name and artist I do not know. Ah....I would like to toast idleness. Followed so closely by productivity, a thing seldom seen. I am pleased. Thoughts of negativity banished. Hooray for the world. Love for all.

Patience is a virtue

I am sorely lacking in patience at the moment. In fact I have a very strong desire to scream and toss this ancient piece of crap laptop across the library. I think it may be because today I am challenged with fasting, pms'ing, and this very slow internet connection which is making it nearly impossible for me to get any work done when work definitely needs to be done today.

I was pleasant on the train ride-the one that took an extra half hour to get me here than it normally does. I was even tolerating my icy cold fingers, which make it hard to type. But I have now been here for 3 hours and the average time it takes to download a web page has been approximately 2-5 minutes. And I am not kidding. The work I am working on is severely behind schedule as a result. GRR. Double Grr and a couple of swear words. Hm. So there! I have hard time at moments like these being positive. Grr again.

Good times food times

The Fast has begun. Joy is a feeling I am choosing to manifest and love is a thing I shall give freely as often as I can and this time around we are really learning to appreciate the value of sacrifice.