the horse and the realization

These last two Monday evenings at the beach I've had a delightful sighting. A gorgeous chestnut horse galloping the length of the beach and traipsing by the court where I play volleyball. It is ridden by a cop who seems to think his presence is in dire need at the beach, where lots of dangerous people go to sunbathe. Actually I think he just goes because he knows at that time of the day his beautiful horse can stretch his legs a little.

I have discovered something about myself. I am nervous around most people when it comes to performing. HORRIFICALLY nervous. I play ball worse, dance worse, sing worse, speak worse, etc. I hate performing. But I love doing all of those things. I have not been able to play normal on a Monday night this whole summer because I am playing with people I do not know. I get all angry and imaginative before the game and then when I finally get on the court I get all shaky. And then my game sort of goes out the window.

Also, I hate going to parties by myself. I don't know if this is a new thing, but I think it is.....in the past I believe I would always make sure I had a couple of drinks before going to a party but that is not something I can do anymore. This sounds a bit bad, and it is. I don't know how much this habit caused my current reluctance or merely masked it.

There have been times when I have actually gone all the way to a place, and stood outside the party and then gone home. I did that this weekend. I called the one person I thought would be there whose presence would give me comfort and when she did not answer, I went home. I think I know why I am like that, but I am not sure how to put it into words. At least not right now.

Morning Story

So this morning when I got out of bed I felt well-rested because I finally had the brilliant idea of shutting my door and keeping the air conditioner on so I couldn’t hear my slightly demanding cat meow at me through the night. Therefore I only snoozed once or twice before getting out of bed at 6:40am to get ready for work. Feeling chipper and only slightly regretful that I did not get up in time to go running, I started to tackle the disarray in my apartment. I put all my dirty clothes in a pile in the hallway for when I come home later. I washed some dishes that had been sitting there for a couple of days. I emptied the litter box and the garbage. All this while barefoot and as the clutter disappeared my heart felt lighter and lighter. At one point, while putting something away in the pantry, I stepped on something and heard a distinctive crack. Cringing, I looked down, wondering what delightful item I had broken with my bare feet. It was one of those plastic hanger thingys that you can get from Target and stick on your wall to hang things on. I had been using mine to hang the broom and mop, but humidity had long since helped this lone white piece to the floor.

Relieved it wasn’t something I valued a bit more, I continued on my morning duties. Looking at the clock I realized I had just enough time to shower and put together my volleyball stuff and possibly even make a lunch to bring to work. I jumped in the shower (who jumps in showers, really, though? I actually stepped quite gingerly into mine) and when I was done I began my after shower rituals of tooth brushing and lotion applying….and stepped on something in the bathroom and heard another distinctive crack. “Crap, what else could I possibly be breaking this morning?” I said to myself. Then I looked down and much to my disgust a very large, very dead spider sat in the spot my foot had just been.

bowling and burritos

so last friday we had our quarterly away-day and we did a group volunteer project (a company first) and then they took us bowling and fed us mini burgers, fries, chips and salsa and corn dogs, hummus and veggies, and loads of pop and beer. i did not consume all that was offered. i did have a mini burger though, no bun. and lots of chips. and some veggies for good measure. and we had a bowling contest. and i love bowling but am unashamedly awful at it. or so i thought....

when they named our teams (split the whole company into four groups) for the bowl off i was a bit worried about me and my team for various reasons. i turned to my colleague and we both agreed our team would probably lose. not sure of his reasons why but i was certain we would because of my own personal track record-i have never not come in last place in a bowling experience.

we began our venture with a bit of hilarity and half-heartedly cheered each other on. halfway through the game when we realized we were in fact, very close to winning, things got a little out of control. on my team was one Welsh man and a Brit and a very loud Midwestern former NFL pro-football player. i am not kidding. there was shouting. shouting with accents. hand claps all around. more shouting. we won by two points. qualified just barely for the championship round. this time around our competition was fierce and we had to bring it. the other team had an award-winning bowler and another chap, both of whom had their OWN SHOES AND BALLS. and guess what? we still won. very obnoxiously, i've been told. it was about the most fun i'd had bowling in a long, very long time. i rolled a handful of strikes. it was unbelieveable.

then this morning we got our mucho coveted prize. a $25 gift certificate to chipotle. yes. fantastic.

Honey I Baked!

Here is something the person I next live with ought to know about me. I tend to find motivation and inspiration to do pressing things mostly in the early morning or late at night, when I should be doing other things like sleeping or getting ready for work.

For example, last night I vacuumed, washed dishes, scrubbed the floor and made lunch for the week all starting at about 1045pm. Finished around midnight. Listened to Damian Marley and Corrine Bailey Rae. Made homemade salad dressing and cut up my spinach and romaine for a delicious avocado salad and also an Ethiopian lentil dish. I am set for the week of lunches and then some.

But I had a bit of a problem, and this is not the first time this has happened with my late night cooking affairs. Namely...the onions and the garlic. Cutting them up in little tiny pieces is something I am not particularly good at. I cry a lot. My fingers get all stained, and last night, stinged. I had three or four completely invisible cuts in my hands that kept getting all full of onion....even after I was done cutting and washed my hands. It was so bad that when I flossed my teeth later, my lips got all tingly and swollen from my fingers. Bleh. Then this morning, when I thought I was safe, I tried to put in my contacts and stung my eyeballs. ger. I need a solution to this issue.....

because that's how it is...

i spoke quite a bit of french today at work and while i am sure the Quebec-ians(?) understood me, i could not understand them. but it was fun...i need to brush up. we are referring our london office to call them now because we are a bit incapable....but someday perhaps....also, for lunch i am walking over to the taste......yum, grease.

sidenote

i didn't realize my only opportunity to see transformers (much anticipated and looked forward to) with friends was foiled mostly by the fact that i do not have a car. i was stuck in a place with no way to get to the place i wanted to be. now if i want to see it i have to go alone and i may be pms'ing but i feel like crying my eyes out right now. i don't want to go see it alone. but i want to see it. i was thinking all sorts of dreadful and weepy and largely untrue thoughts and feeling really sorry for myself and then someone here mentioned they are getting rid of their car and my brain started thinking......on my lunch i did some checking and it turns out.....i may, just may, be able to buy and afford a car! rearranging has to be done, but i might be able to do it. won't bring me back to a time when i can see a movie i really want to see with friends, but it may have an impact on future opportunities. turns out my insurance would be really cheap depending on some things......must look into it.....must call dad.....excitment ensues. i still feel a bit weepy though. go away unhappy thoughts.

goodbye phone

so i bought a new phone the other day. it was time. the old one was nicked and old enough that the phone man at the store snorted and scoffed in disbelief when he saw it. but i loved that phone. it had a little mirror on it, which, i'm not gonna lie, i used to see if i had unsightly things on my face. very useful and handy. nobody likes a booger nose. also, i dropped it in green lake, once-the deepest lake in wisconsin-two years ago. after some days, the phone worked just fine. it was a miracle and put me forever in trust of the LG brand. plus, LG, i mean, those are my initials! it's seen me through becoming a Bahai, losing a best friend, new jobs and lost jobs, new apartments and new pets, friends moving to different countries.....it's been with me through all of that. and it's been trusty and dependable. i loved it. i'll admit there were times when i wanted fancy new fangled technology, like maybe a camera or video, or even better ringtones. but i was content. i was happy.

but like i said earlier, it was time.

so i went to the store and i got one. with a text plan. (i really don't like texting. i think it's a cop out on communication but people were texting me so much that i was literally paying out my ass to read their crap) someone actually asked me out via text. i still haven't replied. is that mean? but really that is neither here nor there. what is here is the fact that i got a phone with all that new fangled technology and i am charmed. i'm not gonna lie. i like it. i already have a video of cutie kayla dancing to the 'wheels on the bus'. and a picture of me and two ladies who do not live in chicago.....memories frozen on a thing that fits in my pocket. don't know what i will do with it all just yet. but it's there. and people can text me now. i am only paying 4 dollars a month for it as opposed to what i what i was paying before. hooray. no more bitterness. just love and love. and technology. gee......but i still miss that old phone.