Sunday, January 23, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Haunted
I've begun to realize that Death becomes increasingly familiar as we age, that a long life means growing comfortable with Death, familiar. I'm guessing Death will become something of a best friend to us, the one that knows us so well, sees us through significant changes. Death makes friends with your friends and makes love to your family; so you begin to accept Death and it's inevitability, not just in your life but in the lives of those you love-those through whom you define yourself.
After awhile you begin to see that each friend or loved one that leaves, that takes a piece of you with them, gives a little of that defining love to Death. You start to see that you are losing yourself and growing closer to Death. That Death looks a little more like you each day, and your ability to accept him in your life is as natural and familiar as looking at the back of your hands.
Over the past few months I have lost 3 friends to Death. Over the years I have lost 6 total that I would count as dearly loved ones. The most recent loss is hard to bear. An old friend, whom I'd lost contact with, went missing for 4 months and his body was found on a beach in Indiana, partially decomposed. Speculation is he went for a walk in the early hours and either jumped or fell into Lake Michigan and drowned. I am so sad for him and his family.
But more than that, I am terrified of more Death. I get that he exists and I love the fact that we all will be together in the Abha Kingdom someday. But I am absolutely incapable of comprehending what that actually means. My love for others resides in their presence and comfort and reflection of friendship, and Death steals this away and forces us to live in the incomprehensible.
I will have peace. I have had it--it comes ever again after enough time has passed. I have been with Death long enough to know this...and should I be blessed enough to live a long and healthy life, perhaps the presence of Death will be to me what a good friend or loved one has always been, a comfort.
After awhile you begin to see that each friend or loved one that leaves, that takes a piece of you with them, gives a little of that defining love to Death. You start to see that you are losing yourself and growing closer to Death. That Death looks a little more like you each day, and your ability to accept him in your life is as natural and familiar as looking at the back of your hands.
Over the past few months I have lost 3 friends to Death. Over the years I have lost 6 total that I would count as dearly loved ones. The most recent loss is hard to bear. An old friend, whom I'd lost contact with, went missing for 4 months and his body was found on a beach in Indiana, partially decomposed. Speculation is he went for a walk in the early hours and either jumped or fell into Lake Michigan and drowned. I am so sad for him and his family.
But more than that, I am terrified of more Death. I get that he exists and I love the fact that we all will be together in the Abha Kingdom someday. But I am absolutely incapable of comprehending what that actually means. My love for others resides in their presence and comfort and reflection of friendship, and Death steals this away and forces us to live in the incomprehensible.
I will have peace. I have had it--it comes ever again after enough time has passed. I have been with Death long enough to know this...and should I be blessed enough to live a long and healthy life, perhaps the presence of Death will be to me what a good friend or loved one has always been, a comfort.
Friday, January 07, 2011
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