This time around I am working the people angle, primarily focusing on opportunities that come with the added bonus of a friendly friend or past acquaintance recommendation attached to it. Hopefully this will spin me into the world of wonder at a much faster pace.
In other news, last night I dreamt I was in a triathlon and I was swimming in very cold water and my arms were made of non-wet cardboard and they were very tired. Also there were these very attractive yet obnoxious group of youngsters bothering me. Very strange.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Be careful what you wish for....
Monday morning when I went into work I felt a bit of culture shock. Perhaps because the weekend was so....in my element. I was with friends and people who love and honor me and I laughed and slept and worked out and had time alone. So when the first person of the morning inevitably asked me how I was doing I gave the cursory and truthful, 'I'm ok.'
My feelings were parallel to that of a person who had just come back from vacation or from very far away, I felt alienated and out of place. But nevertheless I hunkered down, thinking to myself that I really do have to keep to this job search I have been doing, and that maybe I should just take a vacation day after all, for no other reason than being there made me feel less than.
I knew I was pms'ing and I was surprised at 430 pm how much work I had gotten through. I began to begin my closing tasks, getting sidetracked, as I always do, by new incoming calls. But when, at 445 pm, I got laid off, I was not entirely shocked. I had a little outburst where I confessed to my layer-offers personal matters that were not their business, but besides that I was cool. Literally cool.
When I got fired two years ago, and laid off for the first time 9 years ago I was not fine. I cried for days and felt REALLY bad about myself. I was plunged into a state of despair. And so I marvel today at my current state of calmness and determination. I can already tell you that I am, though still pms'ing, pretty sure I will not really feel like hearing from people that they are 'sure I will find a great job' because 'I am so capable.' This time around those words will not really be comforting because I finally know, after 9 years of this 'adult in the world' life that I have been living, that this is the one thing I am ABSOLUTELY sure of, is that I am capable. Yet being sure of that has not yet found me a a great job, nor is it the safety net one can rely to keep a job.
I also do not want people to just send me tons of 'contacts' or jobs that I must feel impelled to sort through merely because I am unemployed. Nor do I want advice that implies I should 'take anything' because I need money. See, I've played that game before and each time it has led me to dissatisfaction and yes, to the same place I am now.
I also do not need to be reminded of the state of the economy. Because saying so belies the undercurrent of thought that you think that I might think that the reason I am not finding a job is because I am not good enough at job searching, so you remind me that it's not me, it's them, that sort of thing. And though I must lend reality some level of authority, I by no means wish to let myself be motivated by negativity or comforted by it.
Though I am fully aware of my financial situation and the fact that one needs money to buy food shelter etc, I no longer want to be ruled by that philosophy, either. I want to be ruled by the philosophy of self-worth and idealism. The idea that I deserve to work somewhere that makes me proud to be there, a place that honors and values me for my full capacity, one that FITS me and pays me accordingly. Finally, after 31 years, I am in a place where I can recognize what I deserve and I have the strength, patience and determination to go after it and continue to go after it until I get it.
I want my friends to understand and my acquaintances to respect and strangers to see that picking a job to me this time around will take on the same importance of picking a husband. I will not settle, because, as I said before I already did that and know what it feels like. I'm looking for a new game.
And so with a touch of cynicism, a ton of conviction, and endless determination I set out to find my next adventure. Wish me luck, say me a prayer and give me hug, because that is what I need most from you.
My feelings were parallel to that of a person who had just come back from vacation or from very far away, I felt alienated and out of place. But nevertheless I hunkered down, thinking to myself that I really do have to keep to this job search I have been doing, and that maybe I should just take a vacation day after all, for no other reason than being there made me feel less than.
I knew I was pms'ing and I was surprised at 430 pm how much work I had gotten through. I began to begin my closing tasks, getting sidetracked, as I always do, by new incoming calls. But when, at 445 pm, I got laid off, I was not entirely shocked. I had a little outburst where I confessed to my layer-offers personal matters that were not their business, but besides that I was cool. Literally cool.
When I got fired two years ago, and laid off for the first time 9 years ago I was not fine. I cried for days and felt REALLY bad about myself. I was plunged into a state of despair. And so I marvel today at my current state of calmness and determination. I can already tell you that I am, though still pms'ing, pretty sure I will not really feel like hearing from people that they are 'sure I will find a great job' because 'I am so capable.' This time around those words will not really be comforting because I finally know, after 9 years of this 'adult in the world' life that I have been living, that this is the one thing I am ABSOLUTELY sure of, is that I am capable. Yet being sure of that has not yet found me a a great job, nor is it the safety net one can rely to keep a job.
I also do not want people to just send me tons of 'contacts' or jobs that I must feel impelled to sort through merely because I am unemployed. Nor do I want advice that implies I should 'take anything' because I need money. See, I've played that game before and each time it has led me to dissatisfaction and yes, to the same place I am now.
I also do not need to be reminded of the state of the economy. Because saying so belies the undercurrent of thought that you think that I might think that the reason I am not finding a job is because I am not good enough at job searching, so you remind me that it's not me, it's them, that sort of thing. And though I must lend reality some level of authority, I by no means wish to let myself be motivated by negativity or comforted by it.
Though I am fully aware of my financial situation and the fact that one needs money to buy food shelter etc, I no longer want to be ruled by that philosophy, either. I want to be ruled by the philosophy of self-worth and idealism. The idea that I deserve to work somewhere that makes me proud to be there, a place that honors and values me for my full capacity, one that FITS me and pays me accordingly. Finally, after 31 years, I am in a place where I can recognize what I deserve and I have the strength, patience and determination to go after it and continue to go after it until I get it.
I want my friends to understand and my acquaintances to respect and strangers to see that picking a job to me this time around will take on the same importance of picking a husband. I will not settle, because, as I said before I already did that and know what it feels like. I'm looking for a new game.
And so with a touch of cynicism, a ton of conviction, and endless determination I set out to find my next adventure. Wish me luck, say me a prayer and give me hug, because that is what I need most from you.
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