OUCH!

So I have now officially joined the club of idiocy dubbed by me, but in existence long before I was born, for people with stupid injuries. I dislocated my thumb last night. I was getting ready to leave the house and my friend was outside watching me as I went to shut the window and in an attempt to look smooth I shut it with one hand instead of my usual grunting two, with the force of my weight on it. It's a tough window and my bravado went off seemingly without a hitch. The window was shut. Then I looked down to see my thumb sticking out at a tres tres tres bizarre angle.

Stupified and unable to articulate a thought in my head I reached over with my other hand and SNAPPED it back into place. Then the pain set in. Fuck me. I can't lift a thing and I seriously doubt I will be able to play volleyball tomorrow. I was supposed to play today but that ain't happening. Good thing my Netflix movies came today.

All I can say is ouch ouch ouch ouch fuck.

Cheers!

Hiding your soul in your solitude

Zap Mama is my favorite group. No one I know knows who they are. Everyone I know should know who they are. My favorite song is all of them. But the most beautiful and haunting meoldy is Nostalgie Amoureuse. Sometimes I hide my soul in my solitude. I walk the streets of Chicago in my own special universe, where I am alone and I want to be there. I try to go unnoticed but still people speak to me and my skin crawls when they are words of disrespect, which they most often are, men who are "hitting" on me. Someone smart told me once that maybe these men just want to be acknowledged in the world. I asked her why it was my job to be the one to acknowledge them. Then I listened more deeply to the words of the song that gives me shivers and I remembered lonliness. I try to acknowledge them now and hope they will read my non-verbal uninvite. So far it has worked. Strange.

YOU HAVE GOT TO HEAR THIS SONG!

That night I was walking and walking
I found myself in an open square at dawn
The square was dirty, full of garbage paper, plastic, tin cans
There were people sleeping on the benches with blankets made of cardboard
I wasn’t comfortable and I judged in instantly what I saw: stinking filth condemned
One of them smiles at me and says Hey! Don’t go losing your today
Hiding your soul in your solitude
I’ve skipped from society, a talking heart keeps us true
Your face is my light, he says, The day shines better for the view
The birds talk among themselves Their words tell tales of you.
We are the winners If we unclothe our eyes
The scene is not what it seems The healing waits in our sky.
Hey there! Before you walk away Show me the smile that says I’m not alone
You see what you want in me This crazy life is my home.

Nickle bag of funk....

I saw Digable Planets last night at Grant Park. Bad ass. I got free tickets, too, life is good.

I finished Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince about ten minutes ago. I am.......at a loss for words. Can you be worried and scared for a book character? Am I a dork? Yes and yes, prolly.

Goodnite!

the clouds were pregnant with water...

and then it rained. and then it stopped. houston, we have a drought on our hands. i want to skip my game tonight so please, please keep raining!

I should be on tv.....

because then I could get a job. Let me explain. I have been "job-searching" and by that I mean, when the mood strikes me I visit one of three or four websites and see if there is anything available for which I am qualified and that would make me feel good about when the alarm goes off in the morning. So far the only journalism jobs posted are tv positions that, had that been my concentration in college, I would probably send my resume to them today with the full confidence it would not be received in laughter. It looks like either way my hopes of moving to MN are not to be realized. I will not move without a job and I can't find one....today I will make a pact to send off two resumes into the abyss. Time to step it up a bit.

I got my hair did today. I also now have contacts. It's very very very strange.

my home is a battle ground

my roommate is an absolute nightmare of anger and bitterness. i am going to have to take drastic measures and move out i think, before the lease is up. i can't take one more slammed door or rolled eyes, or snide, self-disparaging comment. i told my mom about the latest blow-out and she said "that pain is a normal and natural way that our bodies tell us we are putting something in that doesn't belong there. Whether emotional or physical, pain is our cue that something must change, something needs adjustment. So, we must pay attention to the pain. It's our ally, our cue to something important." I agree. Someone needs to tell her that. My roommate is in an unbelievable amount of emotional pain and instead of seeking help she takes ALL OF IT out on me. I'm so worn down. It's been one year of this. She will apologize tonight, she usually does, for her behavior. But what is going to stop it from happening again? She blew up at me and then wondered aloud why no one ever wants to hang out with her.........

random ramblings

i am free, therapist free, that is. big step because big changes commenced and are commencing. i am at the brink of a precipice, there is a sign to my right that says "The Rest of Your Life" with an arrow, and can you guess where it is pointing? what will i do with an extra $60 a month, i can think of a lotta things, lotta lottery tickets.......

we (abi and i) were on the phone for more than 2 hours last night, a record for me, and up well past my bedtime. we talked about many things, many things, boys, faith, future and probably food. i like talking about food. and then today i decided my $60 was better spent elsewhere so i walked into the room that has been a haven for tears and honesty for more than a year and said, no more! no longer....i am ready to move on and up and out.

wrote a poem yesterday. normally i share those things but this one's private. sealed stamp of approval from abi. but it got me remembering the days i used to perform spoken word and a thing abi said about blogging last night. my psychoanalysis of blogging (why do we do it? how honest are we? how honest are you?) is soon to come. i no longer perform my poetry for the same reason abi lately no longer blogs (i urged her to re-consider, but if i don't stand up, can i ask her to type out?)

i am going to get a couple anime flicks to watch. Princess M and Perfect Blue, they were good when i watched them years ago....will they resonate the same today?

i think only one person reads this. i don't hardly tell anyone about it and when i do, they usually forget in a week or two after i don't blog for awhile. i am comforted by that and yet am slowly considering getting the "word" out and trying to keep it out. i just like to write.
speaking of which, i will be freelancing for yet another couple of magazines this fall. soon i will be certifiably 'published' enough, and PAID. that will be fun. so bill, i am, in fact, writing these days. how about you?

(horoscope)

I get my horoscope emailed to me everyday and the horoscope of two old friends....been getting it since junior year of college (which is like 7 years ago, which sounds, well, makes me sound "old" right? but in truth, I kind of like the sound of it).

I know who the Cancer is, she left my life in a sudden storm and has since returned after two years of silence. The Virgo is gone, I don't even remember for sure which person that was, but it's become fitting again as I have a new Virgo friend whom I think will fit quite nicely in my life....

Uncannily accurate 50% of the time....(if I were speaking, would you hear irony in my voice?) I am a Sagitarius. (I like parentheses, they allow my weird brain tangents to make grammatical sense.) (is it annoying yet?) (are you at least smirking?) (what bothers me is that I can't remember right now if the period goes inside or outside the parentheses...darn journalistic education!).


Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, July 13:Dreams are often the stuff that goals are made of. So if your nightly retreats are starting to repeat themselves, it might be time to take the hint. Formulate a battle plan and just see how much you can accomplish.

For Cancer,Ever hear how oysters make pearls? Well, that loved one who's been anything but cooperative lately is your prospective pearl. Don't give up on them, even if they're going out of their way to make life difficult for you.

For Virgo,You've been asked to keep mum about a certain money matter, but you're really wrestling with your conscience about it. Follow your instincts while you're making your decision, and make it soon.

Oh no he didn't!

Twice in one day, crazy I know. I sell promotional products. While there is a certain level of casual banter that goes on between me and my clients, there is the expectation of professionalsm. I wear jeans to work, and I mostly interact by phone. But that still does not make it ok for good ole Joe to tell me he is getting a colonoscopy because of the blood in his stool and that he went to see the Nutcracker in order to have sex with his girlfriend.....too much is too much Joe. I appreciate the candor and the business, NOT the details. Not the details....

dreaming again

I went out with an old high school acquaintance last night. I think we could have talked all night. I enjoyed the time spent and one of the things we started to talk about floated back into my thoughts this morning as I awoke.

She was talking about recurring dreams about the neighborhood she grew up in. I have recurring dreams about high school and also....duh duh daaaaaahhh.....sharks and large bodies of water. I wish I was a dream analyst. I am certain it all means something. Last night I dreamt I was on a cliff (man-made) and we (???a group of scientists or environmentalists) were conducting an experiment where we tried to lure sharks into our little cove and then kill them by depriving them of water. Mind you, these were dangerous man-eating sharks. I think it worked but one of our sea lions died. Dreams dreams dreams pervade my existence distinctly and the feeling they often leave me with is proof that more of me exists than I know concretely. What is my subconscious saying? Why do I keep going back to high school and Kari keep going back to an old house from childhood? And you should know that the sharks did not have me scared, but that it was extremely important we defeat them...

More often than sharks, I dream about water.

If I stay in Chi-town, it is absolutely essential that I move closer to the lake-I think my sanity is directly relational to the nearness of me to water....also, walruses are my new favorite animals. I like walruses.

Into my life

I got a cat and my brother is pregnant. Well, his fiance is preggers and now there are two new things to love.......very exciting!