Emotional Disconnect

My life is changing again and not clearly for the better, or rather, it is a leap into the unknown at the moment. For the last couple of years I have been lucky and blessed to have something in my life, something of which I cannot speak plainly at this point in the world of blogging, but suffice it to say it is something I will deeply miss. And in the foreknowledge of change I have been standing on the precipice of sadness and fear, which is not usually a place one prefers to be. But this coming change, along with the reading of a certain model of oneness has brought about some seriously new seriously deep self-awarenesses that I did not used to own.

For example, I recently realized that I have a deep rooted fear of people discovering I am worthless (wait, doesn't everybody?) but that this fear is driven by the very strong belief that it is true and so I am always semi-consciously trying to impress people I've just met with my perceived and yet disbelieved worthiness to delay their discovery of the truth. I also use the fact that I have a very short list of 'bosom' buddy soul mates as a sign that I am in fact, not worthy of more friendships, never mind the power and strength of these very important friendships. I always assume one should be surrounded by love as much as possible. So much do I believe these things, that when I begin to bond with a person who does not subsequently become a dependable person who calls me all the time, invites me to their birthdays or ask me how I am doing or if I want to hang out on a Friday night, that I immediately catalog the reason for this as being "I am not worthy of their friendship." Of course then I hate that person for awhile and imagine all sorts of ways I can hurt them the way they've hurt me. This, of course is a problem for several reasons.

But let me digress for a moment here and comment on something ELSE that also just occured to me almost this very minute, that I have a latent (and arguably true) belief one should be surrounded by love as much as possible. Let me also point out that through no one person's particular fault, from age 0 to age 7 I was not surrounded by proper love at all, mostly I was just locked in a basement or beaten or abused. Then, in an attempt to create in me strength and resilience, the parenting I received from 7 to age 18 was that of intellectual reasoning, firm resolve and strictness. Rarely admiration or affection at that time--never was I certain that the me that I was deserved anything, certainly not the wealth of loving support and inherent belief in my greatness that I have since seen many other parents give their children. I knew I was loved intellectually but never grew sure of my right to it and always longed for the reckless abandon of affection. I think that this lack has lent itself to a perceived exacerbated need in my present life to attempt to manifest lots of love to make up for the past. According to a therpist I once had, though, this can never be regained, not from people anyway, not to make up for a childhood now past.

It is this belief of needing to be surrounded by love and the other, that I am not deserving or worthy that has me on this endless road of frustration and essentially self-inflicted pain. In the past, I let people mistreat me because I thought that was the only way for me to find love, sounds crazy I know but crazy is as crazy does. I used to spend time with people whose favorite pastime was to humiliate me because I thought I could make them be my friends. I have also let bitterness stand in the way of true human camaraderie with people who, though not meant to be my bestest of friends, could and would provide unlooked for love and support, just because they did not call me to hang out with them regularly, or canceled plans with me when I was so much looking forward to it. I never recognized that hurt as something not belonging to the situation at hand. But now I do, which is of course, very liberating.

I have a handful of friends who are my soul mate best friends, all of which love me deeply and their love gives me strength, they are most of them in different states or countries which can be challenging, of course, and my family and I have grown into an affectionate love that did not previously exist, and I still think that I will quest for love as much as I can, both in giving and receiving, but I think the journey will be less painful, more eye-opening and accepting. I am blessed, I know, to be on this path. And I look forward to things as yet unknown.....