I actually have a lot to say but it is all a bit personal. I am wearing a business suit right now. I would like to eat a cheese sandwich. I am still teetering on the edge of changes-following and chasing some boldly, and cowering in a corner shying away from others like a little coward. At what point do you put your heart on the line and just tell a person something that could result in plunging you back into an abyss of self-doubt and irrational confirmation of worthlessness?
Seriously I may not be that fragile BUT I MAY BE. Hence the fear. HENCE. I could write about it forever and bring in all the old weapons, books I've read, therapist's advice, parent's advice, happily married friend's advice, but I will not. Partly because I do not have time but mostly because it does not matter. What matters is courage. And the tiny little secret wish that the person I need courage about will jump all over it and preclude my need to have the courage. Mostly because that is more romantic, and partly because I think it would be easier for me.
The voice inside my head says if he doesn't say anything it's because he has no desire to, and therein lies the issue. I mean, I had someone recently have the courage to ask me, but he wasn't the right one. I was like, um, can we take your question and put it on another person? But that was kind of rude so he was upset. Just kidding, I did not say that. We are friends now so I must have been nicer than that. Hmm, thought I wasn't gonna get personal. Even warned you about it. Shoot. There I go again. Ok I am done. Completely done. Finito. Please don't read this.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Pervasive Pennies for Thought
I once had an ex-boyfriend tell me with absolute conviction that he thought he could never, ever, ever have children because he was too afraid he would turn into his father. His father was a cruel and neglectful person, abandoning him and his sister when a son's love still held the shape of big, round, saucer eyes and a belief in real-life daddy superheroes. He was saying this in response to a story I had just told about my own personal recovery, years in therapy and hours upon hours of self-exploration, from the child abuse I experienced as a child.
I was 20 years old at the time of our talk, and our teenage love affair was nearly 4 years in the past, and not surprisingly, we had never got around to talking about that time in my life. So as we sat on the train to Chicago, reacquainting ourselves with one another, the stories unfolded and I remember very clearly and resoundingly rejecting his statement with something like encouragement mixed with disgust. 'But KNOWING,' I told him, is half the battle. Once you know that something like that has affected you, you can fight it. He did not believe me. I believed me, because I remembered clearly, still remember clearly, each new epiphany as it occured, and the dazzling joy just the realization caused, and the power and confidence it gave me. And the strength. I tried to talk him into it but after he miserably rejected everything I tried to tell him I got bored and decided that it was a really good thing we broke up all those years ago. I mean, who wants to date someone so stupid? Ah.....my twenties. Wise and knowledgeable and decisive and full of cockiness....so awesome.
It is now ten years later and he is happily married in Texas and.....planning on having babies. Go figure, right? Anyway I bring all this up because the truth is, my last big epiphany, the one that led me to the Faith and has kept me going like a steam engine in the 20s these last three years, has made itself known to me again and reminded me very strongly that knowing isn't enough. I forgot to work on that part of myself back then and here it is in all it's glory.
I would get into it in detail, but it's personal enough and complicated enough that I am not sure it would translate well in writing without divulging a lot of background story that would take far too long to write about. And I'm afraid it woould require me to reveal far too many minute details that are not necessarily things I want in writing until I publish my tell-all scandalous biography 10 years from now, when 40 will be the new 30 and I will be a super fabulous and famous person for inventing..oh I'm not telling you yet. Thought you could get that out of me...but I digress.
Let's just say this. I have a streak in me-my better friends all know what it is because sadly I have unleashed it on them-but they love me and continue to do so, which is good. But basically it IS a tendency towards wanting reassurance all the time, and just the knowledge of the need makes me feel ashamed and a little pathetic. My brain says 'you are too smart and good for you to not see the truth of the situation'. But my poor little neglected abused baby girl self does not see the truth. And she is a very noisy person sometimes.
I thought it was over but it came back. And I sort of freaked out on a friend the other day, and then with my tail between my legs I went back and apologized. Ultimatums belong in the trash, I think. (To paint myself in a better light, I did not actually give any ultimatums, just thought about giving one) I am not sure about how to quell it, these thoughts of ridiculuousness, except lots of prayer and maybe a visit to my old therapist. I think writing helps. It's why I put it here. Where I will read it again. And maybe someone else will read it and then provide words of insight and/or support. Which would be lovely. If not, that's ok too.
I was 20 years old at the time of our talk, and our teenage love affair was nearly 4 years in the past, and not surprisingly, we had never got around to talking about that time in my life. So as we sat on the train to Chicago, reacquainting ourselves with one another, the stories unfolded and I remember very clearly and resoundingly rejecting his statement with something like encouragement mixed with disgust. 'But KNOWING,' I told him, is half the battle. Once you know that something like that has affected you, you can fight it. He did not believe me. I believed me, because I remembered clearly, still remember clearly, each new epiphany as it occured, and the dazzling joy just the realization caused, and the power and confidence it gave me. And the strength. I tried to talk him into it but after he miserably rejected everything I tried to tell him I got bored and decided that it was a really good thing we broke up all those years ago. I mean, who wants to date someone so stupid? Ah.....my twenties. Wise and knowledgeable and decisive and full of cockiness....so awesome.
It is now ten years later and he is happily married in Texas and.....planning on having babies. Go figure, right? Anyway I bring all this up because the truth is, my last big epiphany, the one that led me to the Faith and has kept me going like a steam engine in the 20s these last three years, has made itself known to me again and reminded me very strongly that knowing isn't enough. I forgot to work on that part of myself back then and here it is in all it's glory.
I would get into it in detail, but it's personal enough and complicated enough that I am not sure it would translate well in writing without divulging a lot of background story that would take far too long to write about. And I'm afraid it woould require me to reveal far too many minute details that are not necessarily things I want in writing until I publish my tell-all scandalous biography 10 years from now, when 40 will be the new 30 and I will be a super fabulous and famous person for inventing..oh I'm not telling you yet. Thought you could get that out of me...but I digress.
Let's just say this. I have a streak in me-my better friends all know what it is because sadly I have unleashed it on them-but they love me and continue to do so, which is good. But basically it IS a tendency towards wanting reassurance all the time, and just the knowledge of the need makes me feel ashamed and a little pathetic. My brain says 'you are too smart and good for you to not see the truth of the situation'. But my poor little neglected abused baby girl self does not see the truth. And she is a very noisy person sometimes.
I thought it was over but it came back. And I sort of freaked out on a friend the other day, and then with my tail between my legs I went back and apologized. Ultimatums belong in the trash, I think. (To paint myself in a better light, I did not actually give any ultimatums, just thought about giving one) I am not sure about how to quell it, these thoughts of ridiculuousness, except lots of prayer and maybe a visit to my old therapist. I think writing helps. It's why I put it here. Where I will read it again. And maybe someone else will read it and then provide words of insight and/or support. Which would be lovely. If not, that's ok too.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
because i can't bear to tell him the truth
i decided to put it here, where he will not read it because he does not read my blog. yay!
basically for the past few weeks i have been trying to choke down this book that was very highly recommended by a co-worker/friend whom i value greatly. i can't help but HhhhhATTTEEEEEE this book in how boring it is and how uninterested i am in the plight of it's characters. he recommended it to me because he knows i like sci fi but guys, i don't like this kind of sci fi.
i feel so obligated to finish it but i just want to put it down and never pick it up again. partly because it is so full of science and mathematics without ANY of the wit and humor that a book like Cryptonomicon posesses, but mostly because i do not at all respect or value the unfolding of human development this author has chosen to create/chronicle in his fiction piece. i am done with reading about the struggles of a mankind whose highest accomplishments detailed in the vast and imaginative world of sci fi only amount to murder, pettiness, deceit and bitter hatred and grudges. to me this is not a feat of writing nor is it the sum of mankind's potential which, even in fiction should be more fully explored.
utilizing certain vehicles to propel a story and demonstrate elevation of consciousness is what i am looking for. not how we progress forward ever harboring the same material and base habits as our ancestors. im tired of the excuse-because it's always been that way.
who knew becoming a Bahai would eventually transform the way i take in a story! but it has....give me more i say!
but what to tell my friend about the book he loves so very much? i have to finish it. i have to. sigh. maybe the end will surprise me.
basically for the past few weeks i have been trying to choke down this book that was very highly recommended by a co-worker/friend whom i value greatly. i can't help but HhhhhATTTEEEEEE this book in how boring it is and how uninterested i am in the plight of it's characters. he recommended it to me because he knows i like sci fi but guys, i don't like this kind of sci fi.
i feel so obligated to finish it but i just want to put it down and never pick it up again. partly because it is so full of science and mathematics without ANY of the wit and humor that a book like Cryptonomicon posesses, but mostly because i do not at all respect or value the unfolding of human development this author has chosen to create/chronicle in his fiction piece. i am done with reading about the struggles of a mankind whose highest accomplishments detailed in the vast and imaginative world of sci fi only amount to murder, pettiness, deceit and bitter hatred and grudges. to me this is not a feat of writing nor is it the sum of mankind's potential which, even in fiction should be more fully explored.
utilizing certain vehicles to propel a story and demonstrate elevation of consciousness is what i am looking for. not how we progress forward ever harboring the same material and base habits as our ancestors. im tired of the excuse-because it's always been that way.
who knew becoming a Bahai would eventually transform the way i take in a story! but it has....give me more i say!
but what to tell my friend about the book he loves so very much? i have to finish it. i have to. sigh. maybe the end will surprise me.
Monday, August 04, 2008
I love ALAMO car rental
this is a shameless plug for alamo car rental, and while i am at it let me also give a big shout out to national car rental, the partner to alamo and really the big cheese when it gets right down to it.
i do not have a car. have never owned one in all my 12 years of driving eligibility. but i have rented before, quite a few times and never before have i experienced such ease and control, trust and freedom. maybe it's because i haven't driven a car in two years but the sheer joy i felt sitting behind that beautiful steering wheel and driving off the lot in less than 5 minutes after my arrival was incomparable. maybe it's because the day before i had been turned down by another car rental company for a reason that was purely my fault-but i live in a world where if you have the money and are polite you should be able to get what you want in customer service. and i had the money and i was polite and i did not get what i wanted.
i took care of business and the next day-one day too late to really execute my fabulous weekend plans, i decided to go ahead and salvage what was left of my time and make something magical happen. so i (trustingly) attempted to reserve a car at the same company that only moments before denied me. but they were all out of cars. not put off at all and actually a little curious with myself for wanting to even go back there (well, i am a creature of habit) i picked the alamo because they were the first on my list of car rental companies to go with.
within minutes online my reservation was secure. the next morning i awoke early and made my way to the rental location-when i arrived, half an hour early and eager, i saw they had tons of cars to choose from. at least 50. which was awesome. there was no wait and the lady behind the counter had that casual, 'hi, how are ya, honey?' kind of feel to her, she took my card and my DL, swiped with speed and folded with accuracy, handing me my documents to inital and sign and the charges and turned me around toward the back door. "just head toward the back fence, honey, and pick out your car!"
what!? no one will escort me? i can PICK a car-out of how many? i turned to her in askance and she swept me on my way, assuring me the keys were in the ignition and i could just pick and go. i wandered back to fence and wandered up and down the row of cars like a kid in a candy store. finally one of the alamo guys rolled by in a rental return and asked if i needed help. i repeated to him what i said earlier, "i can just pick whatever?" "yeah," he said. "how 'bout that one over there?"
i looked and it shined at me like the sun rising over the horizon. or wait, that was the sun coming up over the horizon and glancing off the chrome exterior...it was a 2008 chevy malibu with XM radio, cd player and a hook up for the iPod. what? i looked back at the man and he just smiled and drove off. i saw the key in the ignition, and i got in....and drove off. it was sooooo easy.
and so i enjoyed a weekend of driving around. did not get to go camping, but i did go to a waterpark. i did go to a different state and swim in water that was cool and refreshing. i did eat lots of junk food and i did drive drive drive.
(i also saw a dead rat, cat and dog in the road, the first was fine, the other two horrifying, especially the big ole beautiful doggy)
this morning i sadly returned the vehicle, again with the greatest of ease. i had reserved it for 3 days but turned it in a day early and i drove in the lot and a gentleman with a handheld device credited my account accordingly, in less than a minute, and then the shuttle bus took me back to the train station and all was wonderful, fine, and great.
i love alamo car rental.
ok i am done.
i do not have a car. have never owned one in all my 12 years of driving eligibility. but i have rented before, quite a few times and never before have i experienced such ease and control, trust and freedom. maybe it's because i haven't driven a car in two years but the sheer joy i felt sitting behind that beautiful steering wheel and driving off the lot in less than 5 minutes after my arrival was incomparable. maybe it's because the day before i had been turned down by another car rental company for a reason that was purely my fault-but i live in a world where if you have the money and are polite you should be able to get what you want in customer service. and i had the money and i was polite and i did not get what i wanted.
i took care of business and the next day-one day too late to really execute my fabulous weekend plans, i decided to go ahead and salvage what was left of my time and make something magical happen. so i (trustingly) attempted to reserve a car at the same company that only moments before denied me. but they were all out of cars. not put off at all and actually a little curious with myself for wanting to even go back there (well, i am a creature of habit) i picked the alamo because they were the first on my list of car rental companies to go with.
within minutes online my reservation was secure. the next morning i awoke early and made my way to the rental location-when i arrived, half an hour early and eager, i saw they had tons of cars to choose from. at least 50. which was awesome. there was no wait and the lady behind the counter had that casual, 'hi, how are ya, honey?' kind of feel to her, she took my card and my DL, swiped with speed and folded with accuracy, handing me my documents to inital and sign and the charges and turned me around toward the back door. "just head toward the back fence, honey, and pick out your car!"
what!? no one will escort me? i can PICK a car-out of how many? i turned to her in askance and she swept me on my way, assuring me the keys were in the ignition and i could just pick and go. i wandered back to fence and wandered up and down the row of cars like a kid in a candy store. finally one of the alamo guys rolled by in a rental return and asked if i needed help. i repeated to him what i said earlier, "i can just pick whatever?" "yeah," he said. "how 'bout that one over there?"
i looked and it shined at me like the sun rising over the horizon. or wait, that was the sun coming up over the horizon and glancing off the chrome exterior...it was a 2008 chevy malibu with XM radio, cd player and a hook up for the iPod. what? i looked back at the man and he just smiled and drove off. i saw the key in the ignition, and i got in....and drove off. it was sooooo easy.
and so i enjoyed a weekend of driving around. did not get to go camping, but i did go to a waterpark. i did go to a different state and swim in water that was cool and refreshing. i did eat lots of junk food and i did drive drive drive.
(i also saw a dead rat, cat and dog in the road, the first was fine, the other two horrifying, especially the big ole beautiful doggy)
this morning i sadly returned the vehicle, again with the greatest of ease. i had reserved it for 3 days but turned it in a day early and i drove in the lot and a gentleman with a handheld device credited my account accordingly, in less than a minute, and then the shuttle bus took me back to the train station and all was wonderful, fine, and great.
i love alamo car rental.
ok i am done.
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