I actually have a lot to say but it is all a bit personal. I am wearing a business suit right now. I would like to eat a cheese sandwich. I am still teetering on the edge of changes-following and chasing some boldly, and cowering in a corner shying away from others like a little coward. At what point do you put your heart on the line and just tell a person something that could result in plunging you back into an abyss of self-doubt and irrational confirmation of worthlessness?
Seriously I may not be that fragile BUT I MAY BE. Hence the fear. HENCE. I could write about it forever and bring in all the old weapons, books I've read, therapist's advice, parent's advice, happily married friend's advice, but I will not. Partly because I do not have time but mostly because it does not matter. What matters is courage. And the tiny little secret wish that the person I need courage about will jump all over it and preclude my need to have the courage. Mostly because that is more romantic, and partly because I think it would be easier for me.
The voice inside my head says if he doesn't say anything it's because he has no desire to, and therein lies the issue. I mean, I had someone recently have the courage to ask me, but he wasn't the right one. I was like, um, can we take your question and put it on another person? But that was kind of rude so he was upset. Just kidding, I did not say that. We are friends now so I must have been nicer than that. Hmm, thought I wasn't gonna get personal. Even warned you about it. Shoot. There I go again. Ok I am done. Completely done. Finito. Please don't read this.
6 comments:
ur entry has me excited, nervous and laughing all a the same time. i say do it! all we have is the right now. i wish i had a crush to come out to but you do so jump in.
aww thanks. sadly i have no guts at the moment. i think i am back on the 'he's just not that into you if he's not asking you out'. plus he's like totally cute and way smart and mature and so accomplished and i know has women who are after him. its like a mountain and i have no safety net. or harness. or carabiner. sigh. ingrid. talk to me tomorrow and you shall find me a grave man. (yes i just quoted shakespeare, what?) moments are sooo SCARRRY.
Right now, this entry is me circa 1997. I completly get what you are saying. "Why would ___ want me? I am just me." It takes some time to realize that the reason _____ would want you, is because you are who you are. You are an incredible woman. It will get easier when you can own that fact.
Patrick
I second that, Patrick. All those words you used to describe him, describe you too...(all but the women after you part). I think you're friggin' amazing and guy deserving of you needs to be just as amazing.
Did you do it? Hmm? hmmm? Did you? i think you should take it on as an exercise in courage and give it no more meaning than that. Of course, i have not been emotionally attached to another person in...well...we won't get into that.
ps. lmpdzapf. That is the word i must typr to leave you this comment. lmpdzapf. just practicing. Want to get it right.
did i mention how i love you all so dearly? here's the next truth. i haven't necessarily lost my resolve. but i am waiting for the right moment. is that disguised cowardice? prolly. but i really am sitting on the belief that he should pursue me a little...more disguised cowardice? more than likely. right now i am content with where i am at, and no abi i did not ask him a damn thing. beleeve me-you of all people-will know when it happens. fo sho.
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