Be careful what you wish for....

Monday morning when I went into work I felt a bit of culture shock. Perhaps because the weekend was so....in my element. I was with friends and people who love and honor me and I laughed and slept and worked out and had time alone. So when the first person of the morning inevitably asked me how I was doing I gave the cursory and truthful, 'I'm ok.'

My feelings were parallel to that of a person who had just come back from vacation or from very far away, I felt alienated and out of place. But nevertheless I hunkered down, thinking to myself that I really do have to keep to this job search I have been doing, and that maybe I should just take a vacation day after all, for no other reason than being there made me feel less than.

I knew I was pms'ing and I was surprised at 430 pm how much work I had gotten through. I began to begin my closing tasks, getting sidetracked, as I always do, by new incoming calls. But when, at 445 pm, I got laid off, I was not entirely shocked. I had a little outburst where I confessed to my layer-offers personal matters that were not their business, but besides that I was cool. Literally cool.

When I got fired two years ago, and laid off for the first time 9 years ago I was not fine. I cried for days and felt REALLY bad about myself. I was plunged into a state of despair. And so I marvel today at my current state of calmness and determination. I can already tell you that I am, though still pms'ing, pretty sure I will not really feel like hearing from people that they are 'sure I will find a great job' because 'I am so capable.' This time around those words will not really be comforting because I finally know, after 9 years of this 'adult in the world' life that I have been living, that this is the one thing I am ABSOLUTELY sure of, is that I am capable. Yet being sure of that has not yet found me a a great job, nor is it the safety net one can rely to keep a job.

I also do not want people to just send me tons of 'contacts' or jobs that I must feel impelled to sort through merely because I am unemployed. Nor do I want advice that implies I should 'take anything' because I need money. See, I've played that game before and each time it has led me to dissatisfaction and yes, to the same place I am now.

I also do not need to be reminded of the state of the economy. Because saying so belies the undercurrent of thought that you think that I might think that the reason I am not finding a job is because I am not good enough at job searching, so you remind me that it's not me, it's them, that sort of thing. And though I must lend reality some level of authority, I by no means wish to let myself be motivated by negativity or comforted by it.

Though I am fully aware of my financial situation and the fact that one needs money to buy food shelter etc, I no longer want to be ruled by that philosophy, either. I want to be ruled by the philosophy of self-worth and idealism. The idea that I deserve to work somewhere that makes me proud to be there, a place that honors and values me for my full capacity, one that FITS me and pays me accordingly. Finally, after 31 years, I am in a place where I can recognize what I deserve and I have the strength, patience and determination to go after it and continue to go after it until I get it.

I want my friends to understand and my acquaintances to respect and strangers to see that picking a job to me this time around will take on the same importance of picking a husband. I will not settle, because, as I said before I already did that and know what it feels like. I'm looking for a new game.

And so with a touch of cynicism, a ton of conviction, and endless determination I set out to find my next adventure. Wish me luck, say me a prayer and give me hug, because that is what I need most from you.