mixed emotions

i had a cat for about 4 weeks, big with large claws. much to my sadness, he managed irreparably to destroy a $300 air mattress. i tried to keep it away from him but he got into the closet and got his claws into the material. i have a friend coming to stay with me in two days and my bed is broken and gives me terrible back pain and now i have nowhere for her to sleep. or me, for that matter. there is nothing i can do about it now but i am fighting an anger and disappointment. i wish i had some money to buy a bed or a new mattress. sometimes i regret decisions i make that make my life harder and then i feel terribly guilty about it. i am all mixed up about it. i am still recovering from joblessness and debt, which makes me very painfully aware at how destitute i have been in the $ department all these years. i have been blessed enough to have some things, but not enough to be able to replace them when they are destroyed. i have that song running through my head though....im coming up. i want the world to know. i just hit my shins a couple times along the way.

Not *really* ready...

I have, for the last two weeks or so, had my niece staying in town and been taking a hand in caring for her.

I love her terribly dearly.

(yes, there's a but...)


BUT!

There is something to be said for the preparation, mental, spiritual and otherwise, that goes into having a pregnancy, or, one step further, planning a pregnancy, then having the pregnancy, and then being a parent. Although I suspect that no amount of preparation will ever fully prepare you for parenthood, just on these few short days that she has spent living with me I have realized rather thoroughly how NOT ready I am to be a parent.

I repeat. I love this 4 year old with a great passion.

But I am thankful that my brother is such a devoted father and comes and takes her home at the end of our nights together.

Funny thing is, when she is gone, I will miss her achingly. So strange.

Anecdote:

Last week she very brazenly declared how much she detested apples, apple juice and anything else remotely apple-y. She spent about 10 minutes detailing it. She also told me about several other things she detested. But when we got to the store to go grocery shopping and I asked her what juice she wanted, she asked for apple juice.