that's what i am sam. i got nothing pressing to talk about except i really like living alone and i still want a cigarette. i been playing this game with my friends where i say "hey, i want a cigarette" and they say "no" and i say "ok" --the urge is less frequent and certainly less severe than it was. it's been like three months you know. (who knew?) but i say it as soon as i urge it because than i purge it rather than dwell on it and obsess about it. it's my therapy, ay?
so i played this game once when i was in minnesota (over thanksgiving) with my minnesota friends, and they didn't know the rules. so when i said "hey, i want a cigarette" angela looked me in the eye with a determined expression and said "ok, leslie, this is what i'm gonna do," and she took out a parliment (loved the parles) light and said "i'm gonna light it and give you ONE drag, and you will see how much you hate it" and proceeded to light it....i then did the unthinkable. unthinkable for my minnesota friends at least--i refused. partly because i was pretty sure ONE drag WOULD be enjoyable and not icky, and even if it was icky, i would have to deal with icky, and i didn't want that. see, all this time, when i was saying i want a cigarette (and i'll say it again, you can damn well be sure) i was lying just a little. because i don't WANT a cigarette. i happen to enjoy not being stinky, and being able to take longer deep breaths and run for the train without feeling like death. i enjoy that my heart no longer does that weird skip-a-beat thing (oh yeah, it was time to quit) but i still want something...it's an urge i used to satisfy by smoking. now when i feel it i kind of want to eat. and it makes me ansty. and anxious. and i know when you are hanging out with me it is better for me to say "i want a cigarette" and for you to say "no" then it is for me to say nothing at all because then the tension in the room would rise about 4.5 degrees and you would be all "why am i so uncomfortable? i like leslie and all, but damn, it's all like, weird up in here" but you would be saying this in your head and then the tension would rise a few more degrees and we would start feeding into each other's anxiety and that is just not fun. nosiree. so, you know, learn the game, people. know the rules if yer gonna play. geez.
In other news, my twin brother and his lady are having a baby girl in february. one of my college friends is having a baby boy in April. I am so at that stage where my friends are starting to have babies. yikes and wow. My friend, the one having the boy, optimistically said that her son will be ring-bearer age by the time I get married. I was like, wow, man you are so psychic knowing not only WHEN I'll hitch it up but that I would even invite her and her son....ok JUST KIDDING. Of course assuming I ever get married and her little one is of the appropriate age and the future hubby has no other candidates.....crap now I am exhausted just thinking about that mess.
New topic: Babies are cute
New topic: My apartment is chilly
New topic: I am no longer a fan of reading
ok, that's a lie. but i am no longer a fan of reading books that movies are based on just before i go to see the movie. but i get so excited to see some of my favorite stories brought to life that i can't wait. i dip into the forbidden well and it (lately) has quite dampened the experience of a seemingly phenomenal movie (harry potter, lion witch and the wardrobe) never LOTR, nothing could dampen that. does that make me weird? recently some folks told me that they didn't really get into the books. i almost had a heart attack. those books were my saving grace in childhood, helped me escape an unhappy world. i am reading a really good book now. I actually bought it to send to abs in China but now I am riveted. RIVETED. I really should send it to her, it's called God Passes By. I love reading and I love words and I love perversion of words and slang butchering the english language and completely disrespecting grammar and editing rules on my blog and so on. so forth.
my cat has this thing where she likes to sit by me, or on me, when i am lying down watching tv, or--in this case typing on the laptop. she manages almost everytime to pick the spot where her butt is in my face, or close to it, and her tail blocks my view while she purrs purrs purrs. it's like she has no concept of my line of vision, or decorum. i mean, what cat doesn't have a sense of decorum? come on now. i'm supposed to pet you now?
(i think i'm a bit slap happy)
g'nite......har har
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Thursday, December 01, 2005
quit dousing my wonderment
i am a little annoyed at the people who like to remind me that i am young. when i was 18 i thought i was pretty grown, and when i was 22, i realized 'grown' is a relative term. i am aware that occasionally i make comments that highlight my relative youth when speaking to people who are older than me, but the deprecating "you're young" with the tone to imply "you are foolish" or "you just have the incapability to understand the way I do" is not so much welcome.
this is not a huge thing. just something i have thought to myself many times over the years. lately, b/c i have the blessing of being surrounded by people who have the ability to love and respect, for the most part, this happens less and less these days.
but now, just for speculation.... people who say "you're still young" when you tell them your age are usually no more than 5 years older than me. (people my parents age who say this are...exempt from this speculation) they say it not necessarily with condescension, not everytime anyway. most times its "how old are you?" "28" "oh, you're still young" as though this were the automatic response one was required to say.....but sometimes it's a sort of an unspoken "well just you remember that i am older than you" but ok, so, am I somehow proud of "turning" 28? Is there a pride in my voice when I say my age and people feel the need to remind me that nothing, in fact, has been accomplished to be proud of just because I survived another year of living? Maybe that is it, maybe that is why it offends me so....but I am thinking, when will these people, these 30 yr olds and 33 year olds and 29 year olds stop saying, oh you're still young?
at some point, (age 53, maybe) will they start saying, "you're getting up there?" or "you are the perfect age" These numbers lose their significance the more I think about them, certainly with each new birthday....from now on when people say deprecatingly, you're still young, I am going to merely say, well I am older today than I was yesterday and that is a new experience for me, and I like that!
Because I do.
I like my life and I like my age and I like thinking about yesterday and how it changed me today and how my age is one way of assessing time-positive things occur in time like growth and friendships and college degrees and house plants and seasons and the like. I am still young but I don't want to think of it as "still" because that implies that someday I will no longer be young (which is true) but that somehow, when my youth has passed, so will some form of carefree life....and that ain't no way of looking at things, you know?
anyway, i had a good birthday. tame. a friend took me out to an expensive dinner and i bought a pretty velvet jacket and danced a little and wore glittery jewelry and ate pumpkin cheesecake with a candle in it. did not eat the candle. loved ones called me (ABI called from China) and sang wonderful and varying happy birthday songs (didn't know there were so many) and I smiled a lot yesterday.
Hooray for getting older!
this is not a huge thing. just something i have thought to myself many times over the years. lately, b/c i have the blessing of being surrounded by people who have the ability to love and respect, for the most part, this happens less and less these days.
but now, just for speculation.... people who say "you're still young" when you tell them your age are usually no more than 5 years older than me. (people my parents age who say this are...exempt from this speculation) they say it not necessarily with condescension, not everytime anyway. most times its "how old are you?" "28" "oh, you're still young" as though this were the automatic response one was required to say.....but sometimes it's a sort of an unspoken "well just you remember that i am older than you" but ok, so, am I somehow proud of "turning" 28? Is there a pride in my voice when I say my age and people feel the need to remind me that nothing, in fact, has been accomplished to be proud of just because I survived another year of living? Maybe that is it, maybe that is why it offends me so....but I am thinking, when will these people, these 30 yr olds and 33 year olds and 29 year olds stop saying, oh you're still young?
at some point, (age 53, maybe) will they start saying, "you're getting up there?" or "you are the perfect age" These numbers lose their significance the more I think about them, certainly with each new birthday....from now on when people say deprecatingly, you're still young, I am going to merely say, well I am older today than I was yesterday and that is a new experience for me, and I like that!
Because I do.
I like my life and I like my age and I like thinking about yesterday and how it changed me today and how my age is one way of assessing time-positive things occur in time like growth and friendships and college degrees and house plants and seasons and the like. I am still young but I don't want to think of it as "still" because that implies that someday I will no longer be young (which is true) but that somehow, when my youth has passed, so will some form of carefree life....and that ain't no way of looking at things, you know?
anyway, i had a good birthday. tame. a friend took me out to an expensive dinner and i bought a pretty velvet jacket and danced a little and wore glittery jewelry and ate pumpkin cheesecake with a candle in it. did not eat the candle. loved ones called me (ABI called from China) and sang wonderful and varying happy birthday songs (didn't know there were so many) and I smiled a lot yesterday.
Hooray for getting older!
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