that's what i am sam. i got nothing pressing to talk about except i really like living alone and i still want a cigarette. i been playing this game with my friends where i say "hey, i want a cigarette" and they say "no" and i say "ok" --the urge is less frequent and certainly less severe than it was. it's been like three months you know. (who knew?) but i say it as soon as i urge it because than i purge it rather than dwell on it and obsess about it. it's my therapy, ay?
so i played this game once when i was in minnesota (over thanksgiving) with my minnesota friends, and they didn't know the rules. so when i said "hey, i want a cigarette" angela looked me in the eye with a determined expression and said "ok, leslie, this is what i'm gonna do," and she took out a parliment (loved the parles) light and said "i'm gonna light it and give you ONE drag, and you will see how much you hate it" and proceeded to light it....i then did the unthinkable. unthinkable for my minnesota friends at least--i refused. partly because i was pretty sure ONE drag WOULD be enjoyable and not icky, and even if it was icky, i would have to deal with icky, and i didn't want that. see, all this time, when i was saying i want a cigarette (and i'll say it again, you can damn well be sure) i was lying just a little. because i don't WANT a cigarette. i happen to enjoy not being stinky, and being able to take longer deep breaths and run for the train without feeling like death. i enjoy that my heart no longer does that weird skip-a-beat thing (oh yeah, it was time to quit) but i still want something...it's an urge i used to satisfy by smoking. now when i feel it i kind of want to eat. and it makes me ansty. and anxious. and i know when you are hanging out with me it is better for me to say "i want a cigarette" and for you to say "no" then it is for me to say nothing at all because then the tension in the room would rise about 4.5 degrees and you would be all "why am i so uncomfortable? i like leslie and all, but damn, it's all like, weird up in here" but you would be saying this in your head and then the tension would rise a few more degrees and we would start feeding into each other's anxiety and that is just not fun. nosiree. so, you know, learn the game, people. know the rules if yer gonna play. geez.
In other news, my twin brother and his lady are having a baby girl in february. one of my college friends is having a baby boy in April. I am so at that stage where my friends are starting to have babies. yikes and wow. My friend, the one having the boy, optimistically said that her son will be ring-bearer age by the time I get married. I was like, wow, man you are so psychic knowing not only WHEN I'll hitch it up but that I would even invite her and her son....ok JUST KIDDING. Of course assuming I ever get married and her little one is of the appropriate age and the future hubby has no other candidates.....crap now I am exhausted just thinking about that mess.
New topic: Babies are cute
New topic: My apartment is chilly
New topic: I am no longer a fan of reading
ok, that's a lie. but i am no longer a fan of reading books that movies are based on just before i go to see the movie. but i get so excited to see some of my favorite stories brought to life that i can't wait. i dip into the forbidden well and it (lately) has quite dampened the experience of a seemingly phenomenal movie (harry potter, lion witch and the wardrobe) never LOTR, nothing could dampen that. does that make me weird? recently some folks told me that they didn't really get into the books. i almost had a heart attack. those books were my saving grace in childhood, helped me escape an unhappy world. i am reading a really good book now. I actually bought it to send to abs in China but now I am riveted. RIVETED. I really should send it to her, it's called God Passes By. I love reading and I love words and I love perversion of words and slang butchering the english language and completely disrespecting grammar and editing rules on my blog and so on. so forth.
my cat has this thing where she likes to sit by me, or on me, when i am lying down watching tv, or--in this case typing on the laptop. she manages almost everytime to pick the spot where her butt is in my face, or close to it, and her tail blocks my view while she purrs purrs purrs. it's like she has no concept of my line of vision, or decorum. i mean, what cat doesn't have a sense of decorum? come on now. i'm supposed to pet you now?
(i think i'm a bit slap happy)
g'nite......har har
5 comments:
hey are you back in minnesota now? how is it?
kari
p.s. i'm very proud of your refusal of cigarettes. what a display of integrity and self-respect! much respect due.
It sounds like you have the nic' licked. I found it was the way my mind would find a way around the resistence to smoke and justify the hell out of it that made quitting so hard for me. But once i knew my chemicals and brain were up to something, it became like a verittable breeze. If of course the breeze lightly whispered "Damn, a cigarette would go great with that black bean burger and fries you just ate."
Best of luck
Gavin
mmm...french fries! thanks yo. yep, in minnesnowta. tis lovely. broke the bank on gifts this year. damn. hope i get a HUGE tax return....
i can read your blog! in VIetnam, i can read your blog. And my heart aches with missing you. i have some comments. what you said about language - like words stolen from my soul. New comment: You should send Abs the book (she won't be home for anoher 3 weeks, though, so no hurry) New comment: you and i must come together to Vietnam because i think you would LOVE it. New comment: i love you SO much and i can't wait until i can talk to you again.
ok i am almost finished with it. now i know i have a deadline. gotta go-read....
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