But my inspiration has been stagnant...for years, really, a ditty here and there.....my poetry books are nothing but dust gatherers these days, but if I were anything other than exhausted, these are the things/thoughts that would turn into poems.
sour strawberries
floating sadness
beauty that makes you nervous
dreaming truths
forces of crap
music always music my heart
laughter-think about it hard until it loses meaning and becomes just what it is.....
and always so on and forth-expressions elude me tonight.....
goo'night
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Thursday, March 23, 2006
SIGH
You know how you have those dreams that are, well not necessarily realistic per se, but are GOOD dreams, where things you want to happen in real life are happening in the dream? And then, inevitably, your alarm goes off and you are in denial about the approaching day so you slam the snooze and roll over, with just enough delicacy to avoid that jolt into alertness/wakefulness. You return to your dream for 9 or 10 minutes more and even though the story line was interrupted it smoothes back into place with only slight variations, kind of like a page you folded over in a book-the words are bent slightly under the fold but the overall meaning remains the same…You press snooze a few more times until the folded page no longer lies calmly back down, but jumps up at you, distorting the dream enough so that it is no longer pleasant and the nagging feeling that you are going to be late for work because of a dream starts to tug at you and sleep finally falls away from you like a torn dress as you jump out of bed with an ashamed look on your face.
And then you GO to work and keep wondering why things are so dull and lifeless, and you long to be in the reality of the dream again, where things were vibrant and fabulous. Each dull task you do your mind wanders off to dream land and your bed calls your name from across the miles. Of course when you finally do get home, the magic dream dust has worn off and floated away and your waking state has reconciled itself to the reality of the moment. But when you go to bed again, just before you traverse the land between here and there, you remember the dream, the feeling, and the dream dust is all around you…..and maybe you smile but the next morning you know--with certainty--that that dream, that particular one, is gone for good. Maybe another will take its place, maybe not. Either way, it will still be hard to get to work on time.
And then you GO to work and keep wondering why things are so dull and lifeless, and you long to be in the reality of the dream again, where things were vibrant and fabulous. Each dull task you do your mind wanders off to dream land and your bed calls your name from across the miles. Of course when you finally do get home, the magic dream dust has worn off and floated away and your waking state has reconciled itself to the reality of the moment. But when you go to bed again, just before you traverse the land between here and there, you remember the dream, the feeling, and the dream dust is all around you…..and maybe you smile but the next morning you know--with certainty--that that dream, that particular one, is gone for good. Maybe another will take its place, maybe not. Either way, it will still be hard to get to work on time.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
take a deep breath and go!
Sooo.....this weekend is packed in a good way. As soon as the stores open I am going grocery shopping and for a brisk walk at Lake Michigan, then home to shower and pretty up...then off to my bros place to babysit for the first time a certain Kayla Bayla, light of my life. Hooray! Then straight off to a bday party tonight. ( I have to break the fast somewhere in there-prolly at my bros place, should I bring food or trust that he has something that I want to eat?pondering...)Then tomorrow it's off to theFlower and Garden Show. Which is funny because I don't even like flowers....just kidding, well. I have a thing for murdering plants. But I had so much fun when I went to the FnG show a few years ago that I have been dying to go again! Anyway, then the New Year celebration Monday night. Too much! Plus I am going to Santa Fe in September....for a wedding. Very exciting. I just reserved the hotel. At a resort in the mountains-it should be fantabulous. Just things to look forward to.....
O SON OF BEING!
Walk in My statutes for love of me and deny thyself that which thou desirest if thou seekest My pleasure.
-Baha'u'llah
oh! ok....
-Baha'u'llah
oh! ok....
Sunday, March 12, 2006
dance and grin
this is the BEST FAST EVER! yah, ok. it's my first one, but it really is the best, ok?
I am coming to an end, I feel, of a certain negative time in my life and gearing up to move on, so to speak. It is a problem that has plagued me for centuries (pardon my careless word exaggeration, but the feeling needed emphasis). I have seen a therapist about it, talked my friends ear's off about it, and pondered over it and it's overwhelming affect on all aspects of my life-and lately, of course, I have been reading and praying and meditating and fasting all the while going through this thing that a year ago would have had me on a bender, smoking and drinking and in general living in a frenzied state of attached denial-as opposed to my current more detached self now, state of love and giving, knowing that even though something worrisome is happening at the end of the month, that "Thou wilt never cause tribulations to befall any soul unless Thou desirest to exalt his station in Thy celestial Paradise and butress his heart in this earthly life with the bulwark of Thine all-compelling power, that it may not become inclined toward the vanities of this world."
Andrew, in his blog, spoke of "the power of sacrifice in the path of God, and of how liberating it truly is to lay ones desires down in favor of adhering to God's exhortations, admonitions, and statutes." And in all honesty, a year ago I would have maybe read that statement and said, "Yah,ok, like that stuff makes life better!"....but it has. I am so happy I chose this path. That is all.
I am coming to an end, I feel, of a certain negative time in my life and gearing up to move on, so to speak. It is a problem that has plagued me for centuries (pardon my careless word exaggeration, but the feeling needed emphasis). I have seen a therapist about it, talked my friends ear's off about it, and pondered over it and it's overwhelming affect on all aspects of my life-and lately, of course, I have been reading and praying and meditating and fasting all the while going through this thing that a year ago would have had me on a bender, smoking and drinking and in general living in a frenzied state of attached denial-as opposed to my current more detached self now, state of love and giving, knowing that even though something worrisome is happening at the end of the month, that "Thou wilt never cause tribulations to befall any soul unless Thou desirest to exalt his station in Thy celestial Paradise and butress his heart in this earthly life with the bulwark of Thine all-compelling power, that it may not become inclined toward the vanities of this world."
Andrew, in his blog, spoke of "the power of sacrifice in the path of God, and of how liberating it truly is to lay ones desires down in favor of adhering to God's exhortations, admonitions, and statutes." And in all honesty, a year ago I would have maybe read that statement and said, "Yah,ok, like that stuff makes life better!"....but it has. I am so happy I chose this path. That is all.
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