i thought about it some more and let it settle in and i still just don't want to ask someone out. maybe it's because my mom, in all of her feminist reverie* asked my dad out and now they are divorced. not because he or she did anything or are anything terrible, but because finally my dad had to admit-he just did not love her. and i don't want to spend the next 30 years of my life with someone who says yes to me asking them out because i am basically a good person who they can also conceive to be attracted to. because that is not what i want in a life commitment with someone. and i believe that we all have this capacity to love mankind somewhere within us and sometimes it gets tied up with physical attraction and then we confuse that for romantic love. and i don't want confused, cop-out romantic love. i want the real thing. i want to be with someone because they were/are sooo amazed by who i was that they just wanted to be around me, get to know me and find opportunities to see me and be with me more.
and when it comes down to it, my crush, the person i think is amazing and i wish thought i was amazing in the same way, just isn't doing any of that. not asking me out, not trying to see me more, not even trying to learn more about me in any way when i do see him. and so i have to be done with that. sadly. or powerfully. you decide. he's so not into me. grr. makes me want to cry a little bit.
but i did the thing i meant to do months ago. not because i am desperate. although 5 years of singleness is certainly a motivation, but because i am at a point in my life where i think i can try something new and perhaps not be damaged or set back by it. i am not putting too much store in it for so many reasons, but i think it will at least serve to keep me detached, open, reflective and durable.
i joined match.com
we shall see if it leads somewhere. my dad-the same man who for years was convinced he was a man who preferred to stay at home and read the paper, has become a social butterfly and is more vibrant than he ever was all on account of a really wonderful lady he met on match. several others i know have also made some very positive connections. i would like to remain in the space of no expectation and view it as a distraction more than anything. but we shall see.
*ps i am an avid rip roaring feminist, proud of it, but i am not settled on man/woman relationships just yet, rolls to play, etc. i am not knocking a woman's right to ask a man out, but i am saying that sometimes our (man's and woman's) capacity to know ourselves is not always advanced enough to overcome certain aspects of human nature, thus clouding our ability to make choices that are, to say it bluntly, good for us. in other words, our desire for love and companionship can blind us a bit when faced with opportunity and instead of taking the time to ferret out the flaws or incompatible things, we focus on the good stuff until our hearts are irrevocably tied to someone who wasn't right for us to begin with, and therein lies the heartache. and i don't want that. i know i will get it because its part of life. but i want to try to avoid some things....
2 comments:
i love this post. you write about so much that think about and or feel. i hear you on the feminism and gender roles. talking to each other can be like preaching to the choir. however, i commend your courage to look deep inside yourself, see your own worthiness, face the fear and walk forward into the companionship/relationship/commitment unknown. you're simply amazing. and i've said it before but your mate needs to be equally so. you blow me away with your strength, girl:-)
wow thank you. that was really nice. i can't wait until we have our catch up talk....
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