Let's reiterate

I am struggling to find words to express my current state, and I am sitting at my friends computer torn between socializing and expounding, between developing deeper bonds with the outside world or exploring a deeper bond with myself.

I want to iterate, although there is no re there as I am certain I have not yet made this clear with anyone on the blogosphere... I am by no means thinking I will find 'the one' on match. Mostly because I still technically have feelings for someone who is not on match, someone who I think is safe to call a peripheral friend, whose friendship I still want to take to another level, of friendship at the least, and life-long companionship at the most, but as mentioned before, neither of these things are happening and rather than become overly attached and wasting time longing or contemplating and being stuck in my head playing and re-playing each of our interactions, I would like to focus on my own self and the matter of courage.

Courage to live outside of where I've been comfortable-stretch the boundaries of comfort and see where it takes me.

In light of this I have made a new promise to myself to challenge myself to do something outside of my comfort zone each week. Something that falls in line with the core of who I am and what I am passionate about. I am passionate about the Faith, about music and movement, about volleyball, children, relationships and nature. I am not comfortable making certain transitions or functioning at a weakness in front of others. I am not comfortable feeling vulnerable, but I recognize that sometimes the vulnerability is the very thing that one needs on occasion to carry you to the next stage of life....

So I joined match in order to practice at engaging in new interactions with people, practice at saying no and being said no to, practice at being honest and not compromising, of not being so excited at being noticed that I let that guide me rather than what I want and deserve and what feels right. And, not to mention, too keep from getting too weepy over the one that I would prefer. Subsequently, since he is the measure against which all others are set, my standards are very high and the last few interactions have been fairly simple to engage in....people are being really sweet and nice in rejection. Perhaps later I can blog more specifically but I am being unsocial at the moment.

I also decided I need to start singing in front of people, no matter how bad I sound. So I did karaoke this weekend, and not safe karaoke at a friend's house surrounded by friends, but at a crowded bar surrounded by strangers, all of whom could seriously blow, I am not kidding. And I did not have to be drunk to do it- in the past when I drank, I needed the liquid courage to sing OR dance. It has been a SLOW journey in that, to dance and now....this, in front of anyone without the aid of substance.

This coming week I am not sure what it will be, of what I will do that is brave and uncomfortable....well I have some ideas. But breaking it out is what I am all about. Woot.