End of the year! End of the year!

I'm sick. I think I am developing the flu. I am hormonal. I am fresh off the press of my best friend's wedding. I am in love with life. Giddy for no apparent reason. Exhausted. Maybe my giddiness has to do with delirium from the fever.

I am hungry. It is the end of the year! The end of the year! My brother is convinced that this is our year. I am too. I was all smiles and friendliness on the plane and made a plane friend. I was all smiles and friendliness on the train after the plane. Especially when the street performer got on. I knew him.

I'd seen him for years on the streets of Michigan Ave, in all his silver statuesque glory. He was an ok MJ dancer, but his commitment to standing still was impressive. At first, I wondered why his silver costume was so thick and heavy, even in the summer, but eventually I got used to it.

Ten years I think I have been seeing him....which is why when he got on just a couple stops after O'Hare I was inclined, in all my happiness, to talk to him and thank him for years of delightful entertainment and for building for me a Chicago downtown experience full of nostalgia.

But before I could open my mouth he began to speak. His voice, heard for the first time by me, was resonant, easily carrying over the full but not crowded train car. Was he asking for money? Not entirely surprising, but a small disappointment. But no, he was not asking for money. He was preaching, and we became his unwilling subjects.

I began to feel trapped as he insisted on my evilness...he spoke of being saved and how the only way we could go to heaven was to accept JC as our savior. Not the false gods Buddha, or Muhammad or Mary. Who was Mary, he asked? He talked incessantly, each minute seeming an hour. The couple behind me, also fresh off a plane and loaded with suitcases, looked amazed to be having their very own Chicago crazy experience. They hid smiles behind their winter gloves and determinedly continued to stare at their subway maps.

He kept mentioning that by the time we were in our graves it would be too late, and we would NEVER get out of that place of double hockey sticks if we died before recognizing JC as the only God...and I felt....really dirty. Because it really was hatred and ignorance being spouted, intolerance, really, and judgment, and assumption. And I found it hard to stay connected to the Love of God in that moment. My world was shattered a bit because I never would have thought this man would be so....black and white and forceful about his world and opinion. I did not think I would ever be fearful of having a conversation with him because he might remind me of what an awful person I am.

Suffice it to say, my happiness was dampened for as long as it took for me to get home and into the warmth of my own apartment. I still have it with me....the happiness. Along with the flu....

Happy Holidays!

tshirt dress?

Dear Fellow Airport Patron,

Thank you for confirming my heretofore previously unfounded belief that the tshirt dress is not a dress. As evidenced by your ass hanging out where your stylish big bag was causing your dress to ride up, it is proven that the tshirt dress is a shirt.

If you were wearing leggings and not thin tights, your ass would have been covered...better. And if shouting down the way would have helped save you some embarrassment, I wouuld have done it. But at this distance, more people would have looked at my shouting...

Getting My Money's Worth

This is what is called *getting my money's worth.*

It's cold and rainy outside, but not cold enough for the delightful waterproof winter boots I bought so I decided to wear my other boots. And sure enough, before I got the full four blocks to the train, my toesies were soaked to the skin with winter rain. I thought it might happen, but that it would be better than the sweaty hot feet that would eventually make my new waterproof boots smelly. I am not sure this is better now.

Oh the challenges of being a pedestrian in Chicago. Oh. Oh.

As far as getting my money's worth, I recently found a job worth applying for and since I have not had a chance to update my computer and/or fix it, I have had to find (again) creative ways to get access to a modern, working computer to update my resume and write cover letters. Sadly, today, this meant I was for the internet cafe, where I had to pay $21.95 for unlimited all-day use, or $18 for 2 hours. I knew I had about 2 hours of work in me, but would it be enough time? Would I end up feeling inspired and articulate, or just focused enough to tweak the changes and reset passwords and just think about writing? If I got inspired, I knew I would need more than 2 hours, but it is also Saturday night so why the H-E-double-hockey-sticks would I really want to spend more than 2 hours here?

But it's my future! So I invested the $21.95, which seems so steep when everywhere has free wi-fi. But I finished my changes, I DID feel inspired and wrote what I feel is a delightfully ok cover letter, and I was all ready to go about 2 hours and 35 minutes into it. Then I thought to myself, that's like $10 an hour to be on the internet. That feels yuck yuck. And I have no pointless internet surfing to do!

So I am blogging. That is my solution. I am hungry. My feet have been wet for about 4 hours now. (I went a bought a dress for Kiyos wedding next week before I came here) But I want it to be at least less than $10 an hour for me to be here in this quiet and dark cafe....staring at a white screen listening to the passing cars in the rain outside. If I stay another 22 minutes it will be $7 an hour.

Sigh. I really am postulating. I actually want to go home, make dinner and watch a movie. Actually I think I will do that.

Bye.

Sometimes Life is Bittersweet

I've had an insane amount of clarity lately. My twin brother keeps telling me this is our year, and I am inclined to agree with him, although what it will look like, I will not begin to imagine.

Every moment of every day I am in touch with my emotions, the driving factors behind them, my desires and goals and weaknesses and strengths and every second I have a two-hour conversation in my head waiting to happen.

Suffice it to say, I am eternally grateful for my blessings, my friends and my enemies. I am so glad to have suffered and to continue to suffer for growth and wisdom. I read not too long ago that joy is a natural state of the heart and not something affected by external influences and that could not be more true for me.

But the sadnesses in my life are also ever present, missed opportunities, choices made blindly that led to something lost, it keeps me somber, and grounded. It keeps me perserverant. It keeps me determined. It keeps me thankful.

I wish I could express in words what I am feeling...my soul expands and envelops life in one single movement. I can't wait to hug my friends.