Monday, October 31, 2005
i am so not into chocolate
goll durn people feeding me chocolate. i say no and they leave it at my desk and as the hours go on i eat and eat and eat first one, than two, now six. dagnabbit. i am watching firefly at home. joss whedon has such a distinct recognizable style, i love his characters. just saw the one where malcolm almost dies on his ship on account of a broken engine piece. so classic joss. loved it. i wish i was at home with this sugar high 'steada here at work, not working. guilt being pushed on back to the back of my brain. it is 329 pm and it looks about night time to me. yuk. we had a costume contest earlier. i was a judge. the winner was a tornado. she attached little toy cows to her and did twirlies around the office. she even made a small howling wind sound. it was pretty much the high point of my day. i just took a sales call for a woman who wants to order mugs or memo boards as a giveaway item for the dental office where she works. i gotta quote 300 pieces to her and hope that she is willing to pay the price i give her. it is actually more stimulating to write about it than to do it. if all goes well, she buys and i get a little closer to my $3000 a day sales goal. can i tell you that that sales goal is not likely!
november is the best month of the year
it starts right after halloween-it's when fall turns into winter, and winter is still beautiful and romantic. it is the month before christmas carols and lights and santa claus. it is the month of anticipation. it is the month of thanksgiving, where i get to eat my dad's yummy turkey and stuffing and pumpkin pie and i get to argue with brothers and sister that i don't see nearly enough. it is the month of my birth, it is the month of my adoption, it is the most celebratory month in my year, my life. and i love it.
umm. ok. 4 halloween parties.....lots of animals.
can i just ask, since when was a mouse or cat sexy? my cat addy, NOT so sexy. cute and cuddly, yes, but not sexy. i am much more a fan of the witty costume, or the imitator costume, than the sexy dog/cat/mouse or skirt costume. i saw a lot of short short skirts this weekend. and last night less than skirts, even. it was pretty bad. it always is. the state of things, they need to change, i'm thinking......but two of the four parties had AWESOME costumes. just awesome.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
oh me so handy/i'm no carpenter
I got my couch last night. It was actually a loveseat, since I had determined that would best fit in my place after having to get rid of my couch. Ii had to bribe my bro's fiance to drive me all the way out to the UPS facility at 9545 W. Fullerton. That is way the crap out there, by the way. Of course, when we got there, we couldn't fit the box in the trunk (duh) we had to take it out of the box and transport it in pieces. Then we had to squeeze me and her 7 year old son in the passenger side in the front, and her with her 6 month pregnant self drove. Precious cargo. We drove very carefully. I came home and assembled. I have assembled just about everything in my apartment. I actually enjoy it. I even took down the closet shutter doors and reassembled them correctly, my landlord had put them on crooked.
Overall assembly has taken me an embarassing amount of hours. But I did it all with no help. It really is my own place now. Happy happy. I like tools. Something to know, I guess.
Overall assembly has taken me an embarassing amount of hours. But I did it all with no help. It really is my own place now. Happy happy. I like tools. Something to know, I guess.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
I'm TRYING SO HARD
not to be angry and bitter but why oh why can't I just be me and be free? that sounds cheesy. last night I decided to save cab fare and take the train at 1145 pm and walk the four blocks to my house. naive me, silly me..to think I could just be a woman, wearing a bulky full length sweater and jeans and slip on shoes, silly me to think that men wouldn't think i was a prostitute, because, after all, why would a woman be walking around at that time of night if she wasn't looking for a trick? i mean why don't i just buy a car or spend $25 on a cab, i mean, apparently that's what non-hookers do. i am mad for so many different things. i said prayers last night and fell asleep calm but now i am mad again. angry. pissed off. i mean, two cars, one full of white boys, 20-somethings, and another, an single asian man, actually followed me slowly in his car down the street trying to get me in his car until i called on a neighbor for help (glad he was there) and the neighbor chased him away. but come on. i just want to be invisible sometimes. ok now i want to rant, last night there was a black man on the train who was chanting while staring intensely at a white man 'racist, bigot, rapist, racist bigot rapist racist bigot rapist" the man he was chanting to was doing a fine job of ignoring him, but the chanting man got closer and louder. when he noticed i was watching he began to stare at me and chant "sell out, uncle tom, bigot, sell out uncle tom bigot" I stared him down and he stopped eventually. I realize people are unhappy misled frustrated mistreated and miserable and the insult did not seep in as much as it could have, at the time, because I felt he must be in so much pain that one semi-harmless chanting insult relieved it in a much safer way than if he kept it bottled in, and I am strong and know myself. But it's hard not to feel powerless in a bad way when most of the contact you have in an evening is degrading.
Monday, October 17, 2005
ugh
It's 950am and the morning shield has fallen and the realization that I am thoroughly dissatisfied with my job has settled in. On several different levels. Also, dissatisfied with trying to converse with certain people. It seems like there is an undercurrent. Of course there is an undercurrent. But it seems like some people are determined to down play you and dismiss you with their discreet verbage. It's a numbers game, people. I just don't want to play.
Friday, October 14, 2005
redtailed hawk
one is sitting outside my office window with a dead pigeon, balancing on the branches of the tree. whoops he just fell!
his prey was too heavy. can't see him anymore that was pretty awesome.
his prey was too heavy. can't see him anymore that was pretty awesome.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
and then she screamed......
I woke up this morning to see a large centipede on the ceiling above my bed. (I googled centipedes-apparently they come out in the fall in droves and my garden apartment is like, the best place for them!) Since he was not moving and I was groggy, I did not feel any fear like I used to. I felt a bit repulsed (is that another form of fear?) but not motivated enough to find a way to reach it and kill it. I used to 'fear' spiders too....
But so anyway, I was just thinking about fear. How many different types of fear there are, and all the times in my life I have been afraid of irrational and also completely rational things. The near car accidents, the actual car accidents, falling/slipping down stairs, thinking about losing something or someone, being alone, doing something you have never done before, watching movies... Remember 'Watcher in the Woods'? Everybody I know who saw this Disney movie when they were younger swears to this day it was the SCARIEST they have ever seen. I must have seen it when I was eight, and man....but you know I believe if I saw it today it would not be scary.
Living alone makes me a little jumpy. Today I opened the back door and looming above me was this great imposing figure standing on the stairwell framed against the dawn light. My heart immediately went from 0 to 70. In the span of a second, I thought "Who or what is this creature at my back door, how did it get here through the locked gate and if I shut the door will it go away or disappear?" Then I realized it was the trash bin, and it had been moved from it's position slightly as it was emptied the previous day. Relief flowed through me and the humor of my mistake settled in and calmed the frazzled nerves, but I know this is not the last time something like this will happen.
A couple of years ago I actually rented "The Birds"1963 "The Haunting" 1963, "House on Haunted Hill" 1959 and watched them all again in an attempt to dispel some of the worse remembered fears of my life. I had viewed each at the tender age of 6. And for years the images would haunt me. (Ha ha, I said haunt.) I made my boyfriend of the time sit up with me through the movies, trying to recreate this romantic ideal-me afraid, he protecting. Yeah, he fell asleep, the bastard. 15 minutes into the first movie. I kept waking him and he kept stirring: "Huh? huh? Oh, it's ok, uh, Leslie" at which point he would pat me on the shoulder and fall back asleep. I was infuriorated.
And scared out of my wits. "The Birds-- not so scary, but the other two? DO NOT WATCH ALONE IN A BIG HOUSE AT NIGHT. That's my advice. Scary at 6, still scary at 25. I think that's how old I was when I last watched them. Maybe 24, I don't remember. Either way, I am not likely to re-watch them in my 30s in hopes of conquering fears again. Silly me, you know? Truly good films because of it, I must say.
The scariest book I ever read was IT. And the once recurring nightmare that spawned from my reading that book in high school has brought me to the realization today, of the number 1 most scary "thing" for me! Everybody has a thing they are most 'fraid of. As of today, I am aware that the concept of being seen by someone or something THAT SHOULD NOT be able to see you is the scariest thing for me.
In my nightmare, I was sitting in the dining room of my parent's house on a sunny summer day. The front door to the porch was open, and from my seat, I could see through my dining room, through the living room, out through the blinds of the windows on the front porch to see the cars pass by on the street, the neighbors across the street mowing, and I could even see a bit of cars that drove down the alley behind the houses across the street. Now, there is no way any person in that alley across the street would be able to see me. He/She might see a sliver of my house, but not view into the house three rooms back on a sunny day and see me. It would be too dark. You know what I am talking about. But It did see me. He was walking through that alley and he stopped and turned slowly, looking directly at me with a huge razor teeth grin and saw me looking at him. He lifted one large clown foot and stepped in my direction. He came traipsing through the bushes of someone's backyard and then down the hilly lawn of their front lawn and started to cross the street all the while staring at me and grinning. And growing as he did too, in height. He started off being 'normal man height' and grew to be about 8 or 9 feet tall-and he approached my front door and I couldn't move. I couldn't warn my family, most of which were sitting on the living room floor and would be eaten first.....they didn't know he was coming...That was the dream. I was so terrified. It happened several times over the course of years. I haven't had that dream for a long time. Inability to hide, I guess, if I could psychoanalyze that shiznit-I wanted to be invisible but the monster would always see me seek me out....
Anyway, I was on the train the other day and looking at the buildings as we flew by them and through the cloudy pained glass of one building, a silhouette of a figure stood there staring out. (And I remembered "Jacob's Ladder" when he sees those figures looking at him from the train....) And I imagined it standing there, waiting for my train to pass, because it knew I was going to be there.....and it was watching me even though it shouldn't have been able to see me. Ok, I am done. Let me give a literary shudder. There. Now I have to actually work......
But so anyway, I was just thinking about fear. How many different types of fear there are, and all the times in my life I have been afraid of irrational and also completely rational things. The near car accidents, the actual car accidents, falling/slipping down stairs, thinking about losing something or someone, being alone, doing something you have never done before, watching movies... Remember 'Watcher in the Woods'? Everybody I know who saw this Disney movie when they were younger swears to this day it was the SCARIEST they have ever seen. I must have seen it when I was eight, and man....but you know I believe if I saw it today it would not be scary.
Living alone makes me a little jumpy. Today I opened the back door and looming above me was this great imposing figure standing on the stairwell framed against the dawn light. My heart immediately went from 0 to 70. In the span of a second, I thought "Who or what is this creature at my back door, how did it get here through the locked gate and if I shut the door will it go away or disappear?" Then I realized it was the trash bin, and it had been moved from it's position slightly as it was emptied the previous day. Relief flowed through me and the humor of my mistake settled in and calmed the frazzled nerves, but I know this is not the last time something like this will happen.
A couple of years ago I actually rented "The Birds"1963 "The Haunting" 1963, "House on Haunted Hill" 1959 and watched them all again in an attempt to dispel some of the worse remembered fears of my life. I had viewed each at the tender age of 6. And for years the images would haunt me. (Ha ha, I said haunt.) I made my boyfriend of the time sit up with me through the movies, trying to recreate this romantic ideal-me afraid, he protecting. Yeah, he fell asleep, the bastard. 15 minutes into the first movie. I kept waking him and he kept stirring: "Huh? huh? Oh, it's ok, uh, Leslie" at which point he would pat me on the shoulder and fall back asleep. I was infuriorated.
And scared out of my wits. "The Birds-- not so scary, but the other two? DO NOT WATCH ALONE IN A BIG HOUSE AT NIGHT. That's my advice. Scary at 6, still scary at 25. I think that's how old I was when I last watched them. Maybe 24, I don't remember. Either way, I am not likely to re-watch them in my 30s in hopes of conquering fears again. Silly me, you know? Truly good films because of it, I must say.
The scariest book I ever read was IT. And the once recurring nightmare that spawned from my reading that book in high school has brought me to the realization today, of the number 1 most scary "thing" for me! Everybody has a thing they are most 'fraid of. As of today, I am aware that the concept of being seen by someone or something THAT SHOULD NOT be able to see you is the scariest thing for me.
In my nightmare, I was sitting in the dining room of my parent's house on a sunny summer day. The front door to the porch was open, and from my seat, I could see through my dining room, through the living room, out through the blinds of the windows on the front porch to see the cars pass by on the street, the neighbors across the street mowing, and I could even see a bit of cars that drove down the alley behind the houses across the street. Now, there is no way any person in that alley across the street would be able to see me. He/She might see a sliver of my house, but not view into the house three rooms back on a sunny day and see me. It would be too dark. You know what I am talking about. But It did see me. He was walking through that alley and he stopped and turned slowly, looking directly at me with a huge razor teeth grin and saw me looking at him. He lifted one large clown foot and stepped in my direction. He came traipsing through the bushes of someone's backyard and then down the hilly lawn of their front lawn and started to cross the street all the while staring at me and grinning. And growing as he did too, in height. He started off being 'normal man height' and grew to be about 8 or 9 feet tall-and he approached my front door and I couldn't move. I couldn't warn my family, most of which were sitting on the living room floor and would be eaten first.....they didn't know he was coming...That was the dream. I was so terrified. It happened several times over the course of years. I haven't had that dream for a long time. Inability to hide, I guess, if I could psychoanalyze that shiznit-I wanted to be invisible but the monster would always see me seek me out....
Anyway, I was on the train the other day and looking at the buildings as we flew by them and through the cloudy pained glass of one building, a silhouette of a figure stood there staring out. (And I remembered "Jacob's Ladder" when he sees those figures looking at him from the train....) And I imagined it standing there, waiting for my train to pass, because it knew I was going to be there.....and it was watching me even though it shouldn't have been able to see me. Ok, I am done. Let me give a literary shudder. There. Now I have to actually work......
Saturday, October 08, 2005
stood up
i got all fresh and clean and came to starbucks to converse with abi in china and she stood me up, or maybe she thinks i stood her up because i was 20 minutes late, but still.
i got bored and imagined this is what i would have said to her had she not stood me up and not been able to talk back but just listen:
It took me 25 minutes to walk here and I have to go to the bathroom but I don't want leave my computer so I will tough it out 'til I gotta go. Sitting in a coffee shop is so so strange, I feel pretentious with my laptop. Did you know Saturday mornings are preserved, apparently, for families with toddlers? And the line right now is pratically out the door. Did you perchance fall asleep? I ordered a 'vanilla creme' thinking I was being all daring and experimental and it turns out it's just a steamer. i drink those bitches all the time. But when I ordered lady barista was all like "Would you like some food to go with your warmness?" and I said no because I had surreptitiously eaten a banana and wheat english muffin before stepping out, and then the gentleman barista was like..."frozen or steamed?" and lady barista said, "Steamed" with such a finality and I think we all felt that "STEAMED" signified, yes, the end of summner and warmth and the beginning of coldness and winter. The lady barista smiled what I will call a wry snmile and I merely waited to warm my hands on the 'vanilla creme'.
People keep trying to wheel their unnaturally large strollers by me and my compu-briefcase purchased for 10% of it's market vaklue through my job, (that's a perk of working in the promo product industry) and apologizing for rolling over the strap, which refuses to stay anywhere but in the way, and they don't realize how much I don't care, because, well I don't really.
It is gray and cold here in Chi town. (Kari says Shytown) Not too windy. My new neighborhood has a lot of German bars. One Indian restaurant. Two italian restaurants. A modern Mexican fusion place, not sure about that but it looks posh. A bar/diner called the Daily that has just about everything on a menu you could want including shepards pie, tater tots, nachos, pizza and sandwiches and more! Never had shepards pie but that the menu has it is oh so fabulous.
Now I just need to find the all night diner and I'm set.
The library is not too far away, and I have seen several mail boxes, but no post office, yet. I live a mere BLOCK away from a bowling alley. One block! Now if I could only find some bowling partners. There is a movie theater close too. Woot.
I am looking around now. The families are not very inclined to stick around. They get their coffee and leave pretty quickly, eager to keep the rambunctious children on the move, changing scenery=distracted and quieter children. That is a guess. There were two three year old twin girls in here earlier. Matching pink wind breakers. Side pony tails. One holding a pastry the size of her head and frosting stuck on her cheeks. Father turns around from the counter where he gets his coffee, spys the girls several feet away and says "You girls sharing?"
Girl with pastry takes one small hand off her pastry and points to her sister "She doesn't have one." then puts her hand back on the pastry and brings it to her mouth for another large bite. Father looks on and says "hence, the SHARING!"
Twin sister, meanwhile, is oblivious. Clearly not interested in the pastry. More interested in the velvet chair. The floor, the other patrons, me. I smile at her, she smiles at me--father notices and smiles at me and they go away. His smile was not so much wry as, thanks for noticing, aren't they precious, I love them and you will too! and I do-- I love children. Can't help it. That was when I ordered my 'vanilla creme'.
Now it is more than an hour and half since our date and while Skype says you are there, you are not, if you were I would ask you if you could believe it has been more than a month since I have had a cigarette? You would tell me something then, what, I can guess but I will never know because instead of actually having this conversation, I am simply imagining it. I have made this trip to Starbucks worthwhile, even though I don't drink coffee and missed our date, I have begun research for my next article. The magazine is out now. It looks fabulous. Last night was the premiere party and I went with Kari, Misha, Tiffany, and Iris. And we looked fabulous. We saw a fashion show and I met the Editor in Chief face-to face. She is awesome. The magazine is officially a non-profit, from now on donating it's overhead to organizations whose goals and purposes align with the magazines'. Abi, if we were talking now I would tell you to go check out the website, www.pistilmag.com where you will not be able to read my article, but you could see some cool graphics and pictures and order a copy if you wanted.
The strollers are still streaming in, one family has settled in at the table in front of me and they have a three year old girl and a newborn. Newborns are sure funny looking. Anyhow, I think, it is time to trek it back to the apartment that I love so much. And maybe take a nap. Goodbye Abi. Goodnight. Until next time!
i got bored and imagined this is what i would have said to her had she not stood me up and not been able to talk back but just listen:
It took me 25 minutes to walk here and I have to go to the bathroom but I don't want leave my computer so I will tough it out 'til I gotta go. Sitting in a coffee shop is so so strange, I feel pretentious with my laptop. Did you know Saturday mornings are preserved, apparently, for families with toddlers? And the line right now is pratically out the door. Did you perchance fall asleep? I ordered a 'vanilla creme' thinking I was being all daring and experimental and it turns out it's just a steamer. i drink those bitches all the time. But when I ordered lady barista was all like "Would you like some food to go with your warmness?" and I said no because I had surreptitiously eaten a banana and wheat english muffin before stepping out, and then the gentleman barista was like..."frozen or steamed?" and lady barista said, "Steamed" with such a finality and I think we all felt that "STEAMED" signified, yes, the end of summner and warmth and the beginning of coldness and winter. The lady barista smiled what I will call a wry snmile and I merely waited to warm my hands on the 'vanilla creme'.
People keep trying to wheel their unnaturally large strollers by me and my compu-briefcase purchased for 10% of it's market vaklue through my job, (that's a perk of working in the promo product industry) and apologizing for rolling over the strap, which refuses to stay anywhere but in the way, and they don't realize how much I don't care, because, well I don't really.
It is gray and cold here in Chi town. (Kari says Shytown) Not too windy. My new neighborhood has a lot of German bars. One Indian restaurant. Two italian restaurants. A modern Mexican fusion place, not sure about that but it looks posh. A bar/diner called the Daily that has just about everything on a menu you could want including shepards pie, tater tots, nachos, pizza and sandwiches and more! Never had shepards pie but that the menu has it is oh so fabulous.
Now I just need to find the all night diner and I'm set.
The library is not too far away, and I have seen several mail boxes, but no post office, yet. I live a mere BLOCK away from a bowling alley. One block! Now if I could only find some bowling partners. There is a movie theater close too. Woot.
I am looking around now. The families are not very inclined to stick around. They get their coffee and leave pretty quickly, eager to keep the rambunctious children on the move, changing scenery=distracted and quieter children. That is a guess. There were two three year old twin girls in here earlier. Matching pink wind breakers. Side pony tails. One holding a pastry the size of her head and frosting stuck on her cheeks. Father turns around from the counter where he gets his coffee, spys the girls several feet away and says "You girls sharing?"
Girl with pastry takes one small hand off her pastry and points to her sister "She doesn't have one." then puts her hand back on the pastry and brings it to her mouth for another large bite. Father looks on and says "hence, the SHARING!"
Twin sister, meanwhile, is oblivious. Clearly not interested in the pastry. More interested in the velvet chair. The floor, the other patrons, me. I smile at her, she smiles at me--father notices and smiles at me and they go away. His smile was not so much wry as, thanks for noticing, aren't they precious, I love them and you will too! and I do-- I love children. Can't help it. That was when I ordered my 'vanilla creme'.
Now it is more than an hour and half since our date and while Skype says you are there, you are not, if you were I would ask you if you could believe it has been more than a month since I have had a cigarette? You would tell me something then, what, I can guess but I will never know because instead of actually having this conversation, I am simply imagining it. I have made this trip to Starbucks worthwhile, even though I don't drink coffee and missed our date, I have begun research for my next article. The magazine is out now. It looks fabulous. Last night was the premiere party and I went with Kari, Misha, Tiffany, and Iris. And we looked fabulous. We saw a fashion show and I met the Editor in Chief face-to face. She is awesome. The magazine is officially a non-profit, from now on donating it's overhead to organizations whose goals and purposes align with the magazines'. Abi, if we were talking now I would tell you to go check out the website, www.pistilmag.com where you will not be able to read my article, but you could see some cool graphics and pictures and order a copy if you wanted.
The strollers are still streaming in, one family has settled in at the table in front of me and they have a three year old girl and a newborn. Newborns are sure funny looking. Anyhow, I think, it is time to trek it back to the apartment that I love so much. And maybe take a nap. Goodbye Abi. Goodnight. Until next time!
Monday, October 03, 2005
chaotic
this is the state of my new home
i have no time no time.
but i'm still doing fine.
i love my new place
but i don't like being there right now because there is too much to do
-------
4 weeks no smoking-this is a milestone
-------
do you know what i do not like?
when you are trying to converse with somebody and they emphatically agree with what you are saying but by agreeing they inadvertantly insult you. someone called me ugly in this fashion the other day.
and they don't realize it is insulting.
they just think they are conversing all normal like.
whatever.
also, i do not like when people of the richer family backgrounds insist that illiteracy is the fault of the illiterate. they believe they know the world so well and that it is impossible for anyone in the United States to NOT learn how to read, so it must have been a conscious choice. ok. so i want to change their minds. i want to SHOW them the world is not easy and not fair for some. but how can i? i cannot, most likely.....but i feel like this closed-mindedness and ignorance is a big reason such disparity still exists. erg.
is it 5 o'clock yet? must clean old apartment. must unpack new place. lincoln square is DA BOMB.
i have no time no time.
but i'm still doing fine.
i love my new place
but i don't like being there right now because there is too much to do
-------
4 weeks no smoking-this is a milestone
-------
do you know what i do not like?
when you are trying to converse with somebody and they emphatically agree with what you are saying but by agreeing they inadvertantly insult you. someone called me ugly in this fashion the other day.
and they don't realize it is insulting.
they just think they are conversing all normal like.
whatever.
also, i do not like when people of the richer family backgrounds insist that illiteracy is the fault of the illiterate. they believe they know the world so well and that it is impossible for anyone in the United States to NOT learn how to read, so it must have been a conscious choice. ok. so i want to change their minds. i want to SHOW them the world is not easy and not fair for some. but how can i? i cannot, most likely.....but i feel like this closed-mindedness and ignorance is a big reason such disparity still exists. erg.
is it 5 o'clock yet? must clean old apartment. must unpack new place. lincoln square is DA BOMB.
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