Wednesday, October 19, 2005
I'm TRYING SO HARD
not to be angry and bitter but why oh why can't I just be me and be free? that sounds cheesy. last night I decided to save cab fare and take the train at 1145 pm and walk the four blocks to my house. naive me, silly me..to think I could just be a woman, wearing a bulky full length sweater and jeans and slip on shoes, silly me to think that men wouldn't think i was a prostitute, because, after all, why would a woman be walking around at that time of night if she wasn't looking for a trick? i mean why don't i just buy a car or spend $25 on a cab, i mean, apparently that's what non-hookers do. i am mad for so many different things. i said prayers last night and fell asleep calm but now i am mad again. angry. pissed off. i mean, two cars, one full of white boys, 20-somethings, and another, an single asian man, actually followed me slowly in his car down the street trying to get me in his car until i called on a neighbor for help (glad he was there) and the neighbor chased him away. but come on. i just want to be invisible sometimes. ok now i want to rant, last night there was a black man on the train who was chanting while staring intensely at a white man 'racist, bigot, rapist, racist bigot rapist racist bigot rapist" the man he was chanting to was doing a fine job of ignoring him, but the chanting man got closer and louder. when he noticed i was watching he began to stare at me and chant "sell out, uncle tom, bigot, sell out uncle tom bigot" I stared him down and he stopped eventually. I realize people are unhappy misled frustrated mistreated and miserable and the insult did not seep in as much as it could have, at the time, because I felt he must be in so much pain that one semi-harmless chanting insult relieved it in a much safer way than if he kept it bottled in, and I am strong and know myself. But it's hard not to feel powerless in a bad way when most of the contact you have in an evening is degrading.
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7 comments:
Brainstorm write whatever comes to mind like not falling for other people’s shit the fact is people want to but they can’t categorize you they want to but they can’t marginalize you they want to but they can’t define you they want to call you black not black enough woman not woman enough slut stupid fat too smart too shallow too poor too rich too blessed, too analytical, too apathetic, too cheap bad dresser eater of fattening foods eater of too many vegetables they want to make you feel bad so they feel better people oppress without realizing depress without realizing they want to say if only you would listen to me your life would be better –they want to fix you even when you don’t need fixin, everyone has the answer to the problem only problem is I am their problem and their answer would eliminate my very existence. Fuck em all. Because I am the one who gets to say I, gets to define, insult and pacify myself I would make of myself a barrier with You- some battles are harder to fight some wounds take longer to heal no matter the number of scars you tote no matter the skill you’ve acquired sometimes things happen that knock even the strongest woman down.
It’s funny, but I know better now than to assume that because I survived 6 years of abuse, of being locked in basements, being beaten, sexually abused, and abandoned, because I survived the subsequent trauma of adjusting to ‘normal’ family life in adoption with a family who failed to understand and forgive my failing as a 7 year old screwed up kid, that I would feel less affected by lesser forms of abuse today. I guess maybe I am more, not less angry because of it. I am working on it.
leslie -
you handled all of last night's situations with amazing levels of grace and wisdom, depending on what each new situation called for. any one of yesterday's situations would weigh a ton on anyone.
i'm intrigued as to how you called on the support of your neighbor and what your neighbor did. i'm trying to cultivate relationships with my neighbors that would prove to be helpful alliances late at night. how did yours come about?
kari
aah horrible, so sorry your interactions were not positive. :-( much love...don't know what else to say. I feel that anger sometimes too.
oops. That was me, Sholeh.
right? it was bad, i have bounced back and recovered. life is life, you know? i have my friends, they are wonderful....and supportive. thanks!
You are right some people are "unhappy misled frustrated mistreated and miserable" but there is also "crazy" I wouldn't rule that out either.
You tell your story well.
Remember. those guys. they have forgotten all about it. It is only you --- aww you know what it is okay to be mad. they are jerks and are probably used to women being pissed at them.
I know I know.....grrg. Thanks, though.
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