Un-pause

So I got a job last week and afterward I cried for two days in a row. And you know, that's not a normal reaction so I commissioned myself some time to think about the tears and here's what I came up with:

1. Residual fears

2. Inexplicable feelings of failure

3. The strong desire to avoid complacency and see clearly at all times

My latest guilty pleasure has been watching American Idol and it's an agonizing and delightful pass-time, I tell you. I love to hear the unsuspecting beautiful voice but I am also endlessly fascinated by the seemingly high level of delusion of some of the contestants. They really believe in themselves. Or maybe, like a certain acquaintance of mine who has a wicked sense of humor, they just think it's funny to be on national television and are willing to subject themselves for that reason alone. Perhaps this is my imagination but sometimes it seems, behind all the bravado and hoopla that at least some of them know they can't sing well, but they want it soooo bad, that the strength of their desire, the force of the dream itself, will somehow magically pull them through. Their hope alone will charm the judges and mask the lack of tone in their voice.

It makes me think of how my parents lead me to believe that I, too, could do anything I wanted when I grew up. My parents, of course, have a candid honesty about them, the Aries that they are, and I believe that if I had any notion I was a fantastic singer and ought to try out for something like that, that they would have just said no. My mom always wanted me to be a writer. Just a few weeks ago, when the job search was pissing me off, she reassured me that when the book I was not writing took off, that I wouldn't have to worry so much about the day job. But seriously, I digress.

What I mean to say is that I too, believe in myself, or my future, rather. Strongly believe. And that if I too, want IT bad enough, and I have the courage to go for it, that I will get IT too. IT, in this case, was a job that would render me financially stable. I didn't mean to cry when I got a job, but the thing is, as perfect as the job itself seems, the pay is lower than what I made at my last job. And I feel like I've been on this ride for long enough and I'm tired. I still look for a moment when all my dreams come true. Oh boo hoo, right? I should be jumping for joy, right? I am thankful, though. I get to practice seeing the bright side of the coin (I majored in self-pity in college, thank you very much)and taking this on as a challenge.

But the pleasure I have is guarded and I've realized just how damaged I was by my last job. I became complacent and I managed to be ok with getting up early every morning and going to work for people who didn't like me and didn't trust me and didn't respect me. I comforted myself by saying-You're building character and learning patience love and restraint. But the toll it took finally caught up to me and the reality of precarious living settled in the form of tears when I tried to negotiate a better salary and came up short.

I am better now. Better and cautious. Prayerful and conscientious of the part I played in my last employed experience. Eager to employ lessons learned and remain aware. For a second I feared I was that girl-the one who just got out of an unhealthy relationship and snapped up the next boy who came along just because he was nice though not really right for her. Better than the last one is not always good enough you know.

But here are the things I look towards- 4 wks paid vacation, quarterly bonuses based on team-work performance, that, if acquired, will put me above my last job's salary, good health coverage, good location, and the knowledge that these people were really impressed by me. My recruiter who facilitated the process could not stop telling me how PICKY these people were. I made it through an apparently highly selective process and seemed to knock their socks off. I gotta say, my low self-esteem is convinced they won't like me, but my sensible brain says, but they do! It's a London-based business and it's NOT A SALES JOB. They have offices in Milan, Munich, Shanghai and New York and if I'm awesome enough someday I may get to go to those places.

So the search is over and I no longer have to feel guilty about staying at home after work rather than high-tailing it to the library to send off resumes. I no longer have to feel pulled in several directions with the activities I am participating in. Like Kari says, now I only have two jobs, service to the Faith and, well, the day job. I get learn how to budget (for real this time) and maybe start playing vball again and in general moving on with my life. I can un-pause.

waiting for maybe

i have sweaty palms and there is an empty nothingness where my stomach should be and my heart beats faster than normal and i keep swallowing and my attention span is terribly short. there are so many things, intangible and possibly imaginary, that ride on the approaching moment that i feel a little like death. if the moment should pass and the outcome not be to my desire, i know other moments would come but OH IT WOULD BE SO NICE TO BE DONE SEARCHING!!!!

I know what my oldies are going to be

A friend gave me a $25 GC to Itunes and I have been thoroughly enjoying picking out songs. Also, some months ago when I was more gainfully employed I decided to make my siblings a CD of songs from our childhood....it was a smashing success for a Christmas gift for all but my youngest brother-who is 21 and was just too young to remember most of the songs we all thrived on.....but let me tell you what.

What?

Some stuff I love:

En Vogue
The Boys
Johnny Gill
Babyface
After 7
The Jets
Troop
The Sounds of Blackness
Tracie Spencer
Tevin Campbell
Mary J (OF COURSE) Blige
Billy Ocean
DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince (Summertime)
ABC
Bel Biv Devoe
Shanice
Atlantic Starr
El Debarge

I know the list could go on. Ahh memories!

in my building/where did the time go?

just discovered recently that the building I work in has free wireless....which solves my access problem somewhat. If I bring my laptop to work I can do some job searching during my lunch hour. problem is is that i just spent an hour writing a response on my last entry and visiting some sites i haven't seen in awhile....where did my hour go?

boo....

but i want you to think about it

i am going to do something that could very well be the death of my 'blogger ego'. I am going to ask a question and i want some answers. i am guessing that at the most maybe 3 people visit here regularly, with maybe 3 or 4 more visiting more sporadically. if you should be one of those, humor me! if i had a roommate i would have come home tonight and asked that person. i could call a few of you and ask, but since it is friday i doubt many of you would answer your phones and i could try to remember to ask later but i will forget.
here it goes:


If you died right now, and were given the option of coming back to this earth-would you? I am not talking about reincarnation (well I am) and I am not asking you to think about the 'afterlife'. Assume it's great, but that since we live in eternity you will have an eternity to enjoy the afterlife, is there anything that would ever make you choose to come back to this? As a human. Suffering the same, less or worse than you do now....I think about it sometimes.

I think about it for different reasons-misery or wonder mostly....and I usually think that if I could I would come back to see real space travel or what human beings can accomplish in the future or... how we will handle global warming. It's sick but today I actually thought to myself-"what if global warming got us to the point that earth was mostly water? what would that be like?" I would want to see it. We would adjust. There would be tragedy and sadness. But there is that now. Then we would use these amazingly inventive minds and create a way to go on in a WATER WORLD!......and I want to see it. I have't seen the Al Gore movie yet and I think I probably should but I guess what I am saying is even as miserable as I feel sometimes, wallowing in self-pity and longing for release from money trouble, or lonliness, or conflict or loss, through all of my hardships, sheer human existence has always fascinated me. I'd go see the dinasoars too if I could. I would for all the pain, try it again, I think. At least, that is my answer today.

are we there yet?

the year of 2006 is over. i have a job interview tomorrow and a suit that is a tad too big. i wonder what will happen this year...i sort of can't wait to find out.