Un-pause

So I got a job last week and afterward I cried for two days in a row. And you know, that's not a normal reaction so I commissioned myself some time to think about the tears and here's what I came up with:

1. Residual fears

2. Inexplicable feelings of failure

3. The strong desire to avoid complacency and see clearly at all times

My latest guilty pleasure has been watching American Idol and it's an agonizing and delightful pass-time, I tell you. I love to hear the unsuspecting beautiful voice but I am also endlessly fascinated by the seemingly high level of delusion of some of the contestants. They really believe in themselves. Or maybe, like a certain acquaintance of mine who has a wicked sense of humor, they just think it's funny to be on national television and are willing to subject themselves for that reason alone. Perhaps this is my imagination but sometimes it seems, behind all the bravado and hoopla that at least some of them know they can't sing well, but they want it soooo bad, that the strength of their desire, the force of the dream itself, will somehow magically pull them through. Their hope alone will charm the judges and mask the lack of tone in their voice.

It makes me think of how my parents lead me to believe that I, too, could do anything I wanted when I grew up. My parents, of course, have a candid honesty about them, the Aries that they are, and I believe that if I had any notion I was a fantastic singer and ought to try out for something like that, that they would have just said no. My mom always wanted me to be a writer. Just a few weeks ago, when the job search was pissing me off, she reassured me that when the book I was not writing took off, that I wouldn't have to worry so much about the day job. But seriously, I digress.

What I mean to say is that I too, believe in myself, or my future, rather. Strongly believe. And that if I too, want IT bad enough, and I have the courage to go for it, that I will get IT too. IT, in this case, was a job that would render me financially stable. I didn't mean to cry when I got a job, but the thing is, as perfect as the job itself seems, the pay is lower than what I made at my last job. And I feel like I've been on this ride for long enough and I'm tired. I still look for a moment when all my dreams come true. Oh boo hoo, right? I should be jumping for joy, right? I am thankful, though. I get to practice seeing the bright side of the coin (I majored in self-pity in college, thank you very much)and taking this on as a challenge.

But the pleasure I have is guarded and I've realized just how damaged I was by my last job. I became complacent and I managed to be ok with getting up early every morning and going to work for people who didn't like me and didn't trust me and didn't respect me. I comforted myself by saying-You're building character and learning patience love and restraint. But the toll it took finally caught up to me and the reality of precarious living settled in the form of tears when I tried to negotiate a better salary and came up short.

I am better now. Better and cautious. Prayerful and conscientious of the part I played in my last employed experience. Eager to employ lessons learned and remain aware. For a second I feared I was that girl-the one who just got out of an unhealthy relationship and snapped up the next boy who came along just because he was nice though not really right for her. Better than the last one is not always good enough you know.

But here are the things I look towards- 4 wks paid vacation, quarterly bonuses based on team-work performance, that, if acquired, will put me above my last job's salary, good health coverage, good location, and the knowledge that these people were really impressed by me. My recruiter who facilitated the process could not stop telling me how PICKY these people were. I made it through an apparently highly selective process and seemed to knock their socks off. I gotta say, my low self-esteem is convinced they won't like me, but my sensible brain says, but they do! It's a London-based business and it's NOT A SALES JOB. They have offices in Milan, Munich, Shanghai and New York and if I'm awesome enough someday I may get to go to those places.

So the search is over and I no longer have to feel guilty about staying at home after work rather than high-tailing it to the library to send off resumes. I no longer have to feel pulled in several directions with the activities I am participating in. Like Kari says, now I only have two jobs, service to the Faith and, well, the day job. I get learn how to budget (for real this time) and maybe start playing vball again and in general moving on with my life. I can un-pause.