First Day at the Beach

Last Thursday marked my first day at the beach. It was about 65 degrees and cloudy and not a bit of wind, which turned out to be the perfect playing conditions ever. There was no sun to blind me, no wind to blow my serves every which way, and just cool enough that long volleys didn't end in me gasping for air about to pass out with heat exhaustion.

Also the guys who came out to play were great too, I wasn't the worst one there, which stroked my ego just a bit. And we were all pleasant and tolerant enough of each others mistakes while still exemplifying the desire to play hard enough that each of us got our volleyball fix by the time the sun set. We played straight for about 2 and half hours, three on three, barely any breaks between games. I felt.....very satisfied. I spiked some well, serves some great and bumped some awesome. I also made a lot of mistakes, which always motivates me to play more so that I can learn to make less.

I know what the summer has in store for me, too. Rainy days and windy days, stormy days and lightning over the water and drops that cool me down and wash my sweat away. Hot hot hot days and awesome sunset skies that go purple and pink and paint the clouds all manner of beautiful. Burnt skin and hot feet bottoms. Dehrydated bodies and sandy asses, which subsequently lead to sandy bags and sandy beds....Sore arms and stubbed fingers, cute boys and competitive girls. Ball hogs and players who think they are better than they are, sore losers and worse, players who think they are better than me because I am not thin, or because I am not a boy, or because I am not white. I can also look forward to late night nourishment on the patios in the hood, and reminiscing about the night and the past with friends, new and old, young and old, and from all walks of life.

It should be a good summer, including all the things I love about Chicago and all the things that keep me humble and remind me to be thankful.

And again...in case you forgot.....

False Advertising

I am beginning to look into the option of getting an MBA (small yay) and in anticipation of the future, borrowed a couple books from the library the other day, one was entitled "101 Ways to Score Higher on Your GMAT."

Great, right? I am so gonna smartify myself by doing all I can do to score HIGHER on the GMAT, starting with reading this book, right? Wrong. So far all the book has told me is how to be a good manager, which, consequently, has NOTHING to do with taking a test.

It tells me how to work with people, how to motivate them, and how to present myself favorably to my superiors, which are all good things. But none of which help me to score higher on a test.

I flipped ahead a bit and it seems that there may be some fodder for improving my test-taking abilities toward the end, but honestly. I am very glad that libraries exist so that disappointments like this cost me nothing more than a few calories burned in the walk to the holy place of books. I like walking too, so all in all it works out.

Random observances

Recently I switched from the afternoon to the early morning swim and much to my chagrin, it is more crowded. And also to my surprise, I am the fastest morning swimmer in my lane, as opposed to being one of the slowest in the afternoon.

But being underwater and being faster, I tend to creep up on other swimmers and I have discovered what I think is the primary reason I am the faster swimmer. A good portion of my morning swimmates do NOT kick their legs very often. It's weird and all I can think is that they don't even realize it. Their legs are dragging dead weights and all that comes to mind is when I used to take dance lessons and be absolutely convinced my arms were perfect only to be shown by the instructor that they were flopped back too far or drooping.

Part of athletic ability in any sport is having a physical awareness of where your body parts are and what they are doing and I have found that without coaching AND lots of practice, your form will never improve. I just hope that my form is a-ok.

Like that challenge of patting your head while rubbing your belly, people are perhaps not aware of their inability to do two different things at once, kick and stroke. I passed one woman, after watching her half-ass kick between pair of her strokes, and after I passed her again a second time I noticed her kicking more and I wonder if my fly-by had anything to do with it.

Oh well.

Also-pool etiquette. If you are getting ready to start a lap-look to the other swimmers and please notice before you budge in front of a faster swimmer. Geeez that is annoying.


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I saw on the news this morning the story of a woman whose eyes were gouged out and nose taken off by her good friend's pet chimp. OMG. HORRIFYING. Apparently a nearly 200 pound chimp has nearly 4 or 8 times the strength of a human of that weight. ALSO!! this particular chimp was fed XANAX-WTF??!! Why would someone give a chimp xanax????? And this chimp was known for being surly, escaping the house by using keys, driving cars, and in general being temperamental. I think the poor woman who owned that chimp was judgementally deprived....but now I am sure she feels AWFUL that her friend is permanently blind now and had to have material attached to her missing lips so that she will be able to speak normally. But holy cow this is a horrifying lesson to be learned. The woman whose chimp it was stabbed the chimp with butcher knife and hit him with a shovel but still the chimp persisted in his attack.

I also read that another man lost his genitals and nose after a chimp escaped from a zoo and attacked him.

Erm. Wow. I have a new very healthy respect for them, and a little bit of fear too.

Lately

Lately I seem to keep finding these jobs that are, without a doubt, perfect for me.
Almost as if they had my very own name written in the job title. And though this has happened to me before, in the past, and not culminated in anything notable, each time the rush is the same. The excitement is the same. The thoughts are the same.

I start to think, "There is no way I am not getting this job! They will see my resume and cover letter and want to call me immediately!" I begin to imagine myself in the role. I usually jump around a little bit because the excitement of finding myself out there, in print, reflected in the description of something that never before existed in my imagination, is sometimes too much to contain in my seated form.

I usually pace around a few times and start to imagine the new cover letter I have to write, what tone should I take? How flippant can I be? How super qualified am I?

And then after some time passes, I get it done. I send it off. And then I wait. And wait. And wait.

And in the past, sometimes, a call is made. A conversation is had. Sometimes a letter is received. But nothing has yet panned out. But do not mistake my writing tone. Disappointment is brief but flutters by faster than helicopter seeds on a windy day. Discouragement does not exist. The fact alone that I keep finding these things with increasing occurences is a sign. But the thing I note, while sitting here breathing fast and unable to sit still, is this, in and of itself, is life being lived.

That whole phrase, "Happiness is a journey, not a destination," comes to mind in moments like these.

And I know that I am happy because this is my journey and it's making me smile and wriggle and jump.

My Mountain

So for the past three months I have been waging a war on many fronts. I have had many battles, some lost, but overall I hope I am winning. I think the end is perhaps over the next hump but I am still climbing so I will not know for awhile yet.

Most of the war is of extremely personal nature, most of it is internal,things from the long ago past that continue to creep up and remind me of things I want to forget, but the irony is once it is won, the external evidence will greatly outshine anything anyone has ever seen.

I have recently had to admit that a recent dating experience was borderline mentally abusive, and if it had proceeded any longer would have caused some severe lasting damage. When I tell friends of conversations I had with this gentleman and the things he said to me, the look of horror on their face says it all. It reminds me of how easy it is with verbal predators to fall into their traps. They know how to control you through juggling your emotions and playing on your intrinsic empathies. This man sort of knows he is bad news and ironically he ended it but I've had to face my own roll in beginning to spend time with him in the first place.

I have also accepted the fact that I have many addiction dangers, food being the least and drugs being the worst of it all. I am currently substance-free and I am learning to appreciate the magnitude of that. Although, as a disclaimer, I have been drug-free for many years, maybe not so much alcohol-free.... It finally occured to me that I spend most of my time now with people who NEVER experienced those habits to this degree, and the rest of my time I spend with people who still experience those things, and neither group seems to identify with the other.

All this has done for me is kept me from seeing what a true accomplishment it is and continues to be-to be substance-free. None of my current friends can truly relate to that. Except one person, whom I rarely see....but that is neither here nor there. I am looking to try to visualize what a huge deal this is.

But the thing that consumes me, the thing that takes most of my guns and battalions, is finding and pursuing my career. I am still looking for a job. But now there is something different in my soul. An excitement. A determination. A specific and very honed focus.

I will not go into detail but let's just say that I have direction for the first time in over ten years!!! That is a long time. I am very much looking forward to the next few years of my life because I think they will be very special....especially once the war is completely won.