My Mountain

So for the past three months I have been waging a war on many fronts. I have had many battles, some lost, but overall I hope I am winning. I think the end is perhaps over the next hump but I am still climbing so I will not know for awhile yet.

Most of the war is of extremely personal nature, most of it is internal,things from the long ago past that continue to creep up and remind me of things I want to forget, but the irony is once it is won, the external evidence will greatly outshine anything anyone has ever seen.

I have recently had to admit that a recent dating experience was borderline mentally abusive, and if it had proceeded any longer would have caused some severe lasting damage. When I tell friends of conversations I had with this gentleman and the things he said to me, the look of horror on their face says it all. It reminds me of how easy it is with verbal predators to fall into their traps. They know how to control you through juggling your emotions and playing on your intrinsic empathies. This man sort of knows he is bad news and ironically he ended it but I've had to face my own roll in beginning to spend time with him in the first place.

I have also accepted the fact that I have many addiction dangers, food being the least and drugs being the worst of it all. I am currently substance-free and I am learning to appreciate the magnitude of that. Although, as a disclaimer, I have been drug-free for many years, maybe not so much alcohol-free.... It finally occured to me that I spend most of my time now with people who NEVER experienced those habits to this degree, and the rest of my time I spend with people who still experience those things, and neither group seems to identify with the other.

All this has done for me is kept me from seeing what a true accomplishment it is and continues to be-to be substance-free. None of my current friends can truly relate to that. Except one person, whom I rarely see....but that is neither here nor there. I am looking to try to visualize what a huge deal this is.

But the thing that consumes me, the thing that takes most of my guns and battalions, is finding and pursuing my career. I am still looking for a job. But now there is something different in my soul. An excitement. A determination. A specific and very honed focus.

I will not go into detail but let's just say that I have direction for the first time in over ten years!!! That is a long time. I am very much looking forward to the next few years of my life because I think they will be very special....especially once the war is completely won.