In the dawn of this new life....

I am in Minnesota this morning, sitting in the quiet morning sunlight, the calm before the storm, and contemplating my travels to this point and the convictions that got me here.

On Sunday, my father will be marrying a new woman, and the family that I struggled for 11 years to make my own will soon change and the things I once took for granted will forever be gone from my life. Being a foster child at the age of 7, I remember, unlike some other children adopted in infancy, dreaming about the perfect parents. I remember imagining a field of flowers, with two smiling adults, tossing me around and laughing. Beyond this image, I knew with a surety that love and happiness would surround me, and my 7-year-old brain never made it more complicated than that.

When I got my wish, when I got not only parents, but a sister and another brother to boot, not to mention a soon to come baby brother as well, I couldn't really believe my luck. For the first time in my life I had my own birthday cake, new clothes, a Care Bear who I could hug to sleep at night, and plenty of people to make that dream of love come true.

The reality settled in, however, and though love grew out of familiarity, the stress of moving with complete strangers whose expectations did not match my own began to catch up with all of us. What followed was 11 years of trying to understand each other, all the while trying to play the roles we thought we were to play, mother daughter father brother sister...when I left, my understanding of love was different. I knew that love wasn't a field of flowers and laughter. But I knew it could be dedication, and good intention, and forgiveness, and tolerance.

Since I left home 13 years ago, I have grown to love my family even more, in part because of who I am, in part because of what they have continued to be for me-facing the outside world is a sure-fire way to realize how much you have been given in life at home. But now, years later, the marriage I thought was the backdrop for my dream life, my dream love, my perfect parents, is over. All the things I knew of romantic love have been challenged. Though I am writing about this now, this is not sudden. It has been gradual and I am very certain when I say, this is better, and this is right. I am also certain when I say had this happened when I was still a young girl, this would have been devastating to me.

Now I am filled with calm resignation, gladness and wonder. I sat down to the computer this morning, my dad's super fast internet connection (yay!), and my eyes fell upon his vows. My father is in love, really in love, for the first time in his life. Although he would beg to differ, my truth is such. My father is a new man. A wonderful man, full of love and devotion, some of which I wanted for myself back when, but all of which I am glad he will be able to share with this new woman on Sunday.

Today all the family flies in, tonight is the rehearsal dinner, tomorrow the boat ride. Like I said, the calm before the storm. In the dawn of this new life, I am timid about the path, but certain about the end result. I am now redefining family again, for the second time in my life. The first time was filled with pain and sadness because of a naive expectation, deserved though that expectation was. I am older now, wiser, thank goodness, and capable of seeing the good through the tough and the sad and the bad. I don't think there will be any of that badness and sadness this time around, but there will be adjustments. Holidays will be different, more people will be there to get to know...but I am confident that it will bring new perspectives and new joys so all is well.