As time passes (weird how it does that), more and more of my single female friends are experiencing similar crises of acceptance, myself included, and it's left us all in a bit of a pickle.
Recently I finished reading the book, "He's just not that into you" and while it served it's purpose with me, giving me a satisfied renewed sense of self and a further jolt of patience, it did not eliminate one of the biggest fears that I live with today.
The book revolves around a disgustingly simple concept-which no woman I know actually disagrees with: the idea that a man would rather lose a body part than tell a woman that she's not the one. So instead he is eternally busy, or not able to commit to anyone at the moment, or does not want to ruin the friendship....so on and so forth. But of course, really, he is just not that into her. Makes sense to me.
But in my race to share the wonder with my all of my girls I was getting push back. "But I KNOW this guy was really into me, he just wasn't good at relationships with anyone, not even his own parents" and so on and so forth. I heard this from a few of my friends, And with a smile I remind my fill-in-the-blank, genius, wonderful, beautiful and wise friend whom I love dearly, that this too, was mentioned in the book. And that while indeed there are some truly valid cases where this sort of thing may be true, that 99.99 percent of the time, it's an excuse given to avoid the fact that the guy just doesn't think you are THE ONE. And that in the case where said- excuse MIGHT ACTUALLY BE TRUE, and this relationship is an exception to the rule, the book asks us that rather than think of ourselves as exceptions to the rule, we ought to think of ourselves as the rule. Why? Because, who really wants to date a guy who is bad at loving you anyway? Right?
But I get a lot of buts. And I try to entice them to read the book and truth is, some will, some won't and some already did but chose to deny the contents because, (and I am interjecting here, all me) the truth and alternative is just damn scary. If you're in my same boat, you will have seen this coming from about 3o miles away, but what it boils down to is if all the book says is right, than the reality is that there are not enough of the type of men we deserve/need to go around. (and to answer your question, Ingrid, I think it is both cultural and epidemic.)
And how does one live in a world where this is true? Especially if she wants to have children or familal close companionship into her 60s and 70s? All this is mentioned in the book of course, along with reallly supportive banter that makes you smile and feel hopeful.
But the truth is I am facing the fact that I may remain single the total of my life. And I am not really sure I can be content with that. I currently live in a state resigned acceptance-I experience happiness in bouts and sadness in bouts and I try to tune out my married friends who insist that it's my recognition of wanting a mate that is keeping a mate from me and tune out my younger friends who insist that I am not too young and that I will surely find someone before my body decides it cannot have babies anymore.
My resolve is to live life 'to the fullest' oh yeah, I did it, I busted out the cliche....and just keep going. I spend time with children regularly which acts as a temporary medicine and I try to keep the most wonderful people in my life in continual supply for my ups and my downs. I've trimmed the awareness down to a quiet dull roar in the back of my soul. I love my life truly. I have been practicing gratitude for everything, and that helps. My main thing these days is to make sure I have been into me. You know what I'm saying?
14 comments:
I hear what you're saying. It's hard sometimes, but I hear ya:-) Thanks for rolling with the subject.
thanks for explaining more of what's in the book. i don't think i'll read it. however, i do respect it a little bit more.
i, like your other friends, hate that title... even though i'm over the age of 28. despising the title has something to do with the concept 'Abdu'l-Baha brought to the fore about combatting a thought of war with a stronger thought of peace. doing so with my own internal dialogue has worked wonders on my self-esteem... often the worst things i assume other people think about me are actually the worst feelings i have about myself. so a title like "he's just not that into you," in my book would be a thought of war against my own self... a violent act against my sense of self-worth.
but i see there are some valid points in the book about "reading" men. yes, if he's into you he will call and if he's into you he will find or make time. he will re-schedule. he will make adjustments to suit your needs. and yes, it's fairly destructive to self-esteem to hold on to false hopes.
but, i guess i wonder how can we be into ourselves and still let "he's just not that into me" play a part in our thought process? how can we be kind to ourselves in the process and know that we are worthy of someone being into us, so that we in turn, act worthy when we see someone who really turns us on?
hmmm...
i know that we differ in regards to the title of the book, kari. i understand that the title of the book is a bit more emotional for some than others.
you have been very open about your decision not to read the book but i have to say that i do not think the title of a book imposes a thought of war upon a woman. you may disgree with me but i believe that the contributing factors of anyone's interal wars are much more complex. in all honesty, i think that infering that it does is a really extreme suggestion.
upon their own "indepent investigation" of the book, a large majority of women see it just as clarifying as "too much sugar is not good for you." it uses a pop culture "catch phrase" (so to speak) to gain the reader's attention, to open women up to hearing the truth (according to a man's perspective--which i think we are lucky to have and which you have also voiced in the recent weeks) about dating situations and in turn, does them a service by encouraging women to stand up for their own inherent and often under-valued worth.
i have to say that it saddens me that people can't get past the title. greg behrendt AND liz tuccillo convey the same ideas in the book that you've relayed in your latest blog post and here, in your comment. greg AND liz also utilize a great sense of humor that gets women to laugh out loud, take a detached look at various dating situations so that they can empower themselves and demand a higher standard a behavior. the intent of this book is clearly stated to help women attract a quality partner that is willing to return the same basic respect and consideration that they would expect from their friends, family, etc.
and it is with the sincerest love and intention that i will suggest that you, and anyone else who may share the same view, contemplate upon why the 6 word title (out of an estimated 50,000 total frank and encouraging words within the book) trigger internal thoughts of war?
kari, i think that it is a maybe a matter of definition-of the meaning an individual person places on those words. To me: 'he's just not that into me' does not mean-"he thinks I am a piece of crap" nor does it mean "I am a piece of crap" It JUST means he is not romantically in love with me the way I deserve to be loved.
I mean, when you think about it, I have probably had a crush on at least 10 guys in my lifetime, re: I have been 'into' about 10 guys in my lifetime. But all the rest of the hundreds of men and boys I have met, I have not been into. I have been friends with many of these men. I have even loved them very deeply and had wonderfully healthy relationships with them, just not of the romantic variety. So when I personally think about the actual phrase 'he's just not that into me' I remember all those hundreds of men that I have 'not been into' and I immediately identify with the concept. It's neither more nor less than that.
It's not about being worthy or deserving of love-it's recognizing the very simple fact that we are not meant to romantically love or be with MOST of the people that we meet.
Now of course the pitfall to this fairly simple concept that ought to have nothing to do with our sense of self-worth is that no matter how you slice it or dice it, on occasion the 'unrequited' version of being into someone occurs. I've seen enough of this in my life and others' lives that my heart and soul identifies with the pain of this very resoundingly.
But once you've had a chance to grieve, AND see clearly about the person who 'didn't love you back' ask yourself if you wouldn't much rather be free to meet someone new, and unbelieveable as it may be-BETTER for you and not the least because they love you with their heart and soul, something the previous person you gave your heart could not do.
Ultimately, though Kari, this book does in fact really truly challenge you in that it practically demands that you love yourself, PARTICULARLY in spite of the way others treat you. It asks that you disregard the assholes. It asks you not to internalize others negative or neglective treatment of you. It's something we all do and know we shouldn't-letting others affect how we think of ourselves or confirm our own negative opinions of who we are. As the book would probably say-stop it right now. Or at least realize that someone not being into has nothing to do with misogyny or even anything to do with how absolutely hot and amazing you are, and you are, my dear friend, you are!
Also, from a Bahai perspective, I think this book encourages detachment. We all know how hard it can be to love humanity, and especially individuals with whom we may be hoping to develop something special with who happen to reject us, passively or straight up. But when you can really allow yourself to become detached from these situations it is that much easier to move on, and also to not harbor anger or frustration.
That is truly what this book is about, I think. To me anyway. I think you would like this book, Kari. Honestly, I do. It is a loving affirmation of self, and at the same time, it is a very blatant look at the reality of romance in our day and age, for women. And any book that manages that level of painful truth while still making you laugh is practically miraculous, because, let's face it, romance rips our hearts out everyday. It's the emotional equivalent to giving birth, ouch! Again, I repeat, know what I'm saying?
This book has always sounded really interesting (and kind of funny in that "oh yeah, that's probably true" kind of way) to me, and even though I haven't read it. Actually, now that you know I have no experience with the book I'll share that I think the title in itself is an important lesson. If you think that he might not be that into you, he's probably not. You have other, probably better uses of your time when that is realized (usually only after a few days), and for the sake of your own happiness it's time to forget about him. I do want to read this book though, now that you guys have been talking about it I really think it probably has some sage wisdom in there.
But what I wanted to say was that I don't think it's a woman's fault for not having a man, just by virtue of the fact that she wants a man. I honestly think that men and women come together by fate, destiny, luck, divine intervention, whatever you want to call it. It just...happens. It's timing, it's not anything having to do with you, or him, or anything like that. It's just that the pieces come together all at the right times and bam, there it is, you KNOW.
I was completely resigned to the FACT (heh) that I would never care about a man. Seriously. I just had a really hard time caring, even when I was dating someone. But then, all of a sudden, there was this person that I really cared about, and he cared about me, and our mutual feelings and respect for one another just shattered that false belief that I had in myself (the one that told me I was incapable of loving or caring sincerely about a man, or that there was something wrong with me or something I was doing wrong that prevented me from attracting a quality dude who would actually make an effort).
Bottom line, the only advice I have for you is to have faith. God is protecting and helping you at all times. The hardest thing is to believe that's true. But I think equally hard is to know that no matter how much effort you put into it, it won't bring you closer to something that really only happens by divine magic. Sorry if any of this sounds BS to anyone out there, that's just what I've learned.
I love that, Lacey! And thanks for saying it's not a woman's fault for not having a man. Hear Hear! I also like what you say about divine magic. I am reminding myself of those things with every prayer.
Huh. Yeah, it's interesting, this title. i, like Leslie, i think, feel like it lets me off the hook - exatcly because of its language. The "just" is really important, i think. It reminds us that there's really no more meaning beyond that. It doesn't mean something about you. It doesn't mean anything about him. He's just not that into you. Most people are not that into each other. You and he are simply one more example. i can dig that. It leaves space for him to appreciate you as a human being and, if your self-worth is dependant upon the opinions of others, thereby leaves space for you to go on appreciating yourself as a person. Rah rah.
Many many people in my life are getting married, etc. right now (this year). Lots and lots of people get married all the time. i'm pretty sure not all of them were in a state of ambivalence about finding a partner. Granted, a state of neediness in that department is likely to cause trouble, but God wants us to get married - He put it in His book, remember? Why would we think that a prerequisite to abiding by that ordincance is pretending that we don't want to? That seems silly. i think Lacey hit it on the head. Faith. We say to God "God, you know that thing you said you want us to do? Well, i want to do it." And, if what you want is really what God wants and not some MTV version of a relationship that has nothing to do with anything holy or healthy, then why wouldn't God say "ok."? i mean, maybe there will be some things to work out first, but, really, i think we need to trust our Maker on this one.
Further, i think that in exploring what God means by healthy relationship, we may find that, in fact, there are plenty of men who are perfectly equipped to create exactly the kind of relationship we should be building and that, really, what we've been looking for is something to fill in all the holes we've created in response to what we see around us. We're not going to find the perfect man. If we did, it wouldn't matter because we're not perfect women. We need to find people we can work with, who are on the same page, and who we wouldn't mind making babies with. i'm not saying we shouldn't be choosy, but i do think that our tendency to sit around coming up with more and more qualifications for our future husbands does us and them a great disservice. They, just like us, are struggling to become their ideal selves. We have to find a compatibility of struggle, i think, not a consistency of qualities that we find appealing.
It seems like the only way to really be clear-headed about this is to step back, recognize what we're up to, and give it to God. Give it with clarity (Shoghi Effendi said to be specific in prayer) but give it to an Entity Who actually knows what the hell is going on between men and women and actually knows what we need, instead of trying to figure it out in our own beleaguered minds before we get out in the field. God wants us to get married. If He didn't, why would so many people like Lacey, who said 'yeah, probably not', now be happily wed?
Rah. Rah.
I want my girlfriends to feel empowered in their femininity and in their ability to love and be loved. Whatever helps us get to empowerment - I am all for. I think its an internal process that can, of course, be affected by external forces. But, ultimately, its about how we feel about ourselves and what we know to be true about ourselves. We should know that none of us is fundamentally flawed, but all of us have to grow in our relationship skills. It's part of what life is about, knowing and loving God by knowing and loving and becoming unified with His servants. And probably the most intense unification process is going to be with our partner or potential partners.
I think women have the power to change space as they travel through it. When I believe myself to be wanted, men give me a totally different vibe and it doesn't even matter what I'm wearing or how my hair looks or even if I've showered that day. If I believe myself to be unworthy, guys don't pay attention and if they do, I don't notice it.
If we truly believe ourselves to be gems, then there's more likelihood that we will seek out and find men who treat us like gems. And when we come across men not willing to treat us like gems, if we are strong in ourselves, we won't hold on to them for too long. But, getting to this point of strength isn't easy. I remember starting when I was 19, I held on to hopes for a particular guy for YEARS... There's no way he's reading this so I will go ahead and tell part of the story. He would go back and forth between me and another woman. I laugh now 'cause the two of us ladies lived down the street from one another and it was like a game of ping pong. How ridiculous it seems now - how painful it was then. It took me the following 10 years and lots of painful experiences and reflection to get to where I don't hold on to anything until there's a compelling reason to do so, one that is stated clearly by both parties.
It's like a guy friend of mine recently said, "If he doesn't treat you like you're priceless right away, say good-bye right away. If he seems confused, say good-bye right away." Whatever gets us to the point where we honestly and internally believe ourselves to be treasures of inestimable value - I am all for. That road is likely to be different for each of us.
Abi - I'd love to know the citation for the Guardian's quote about being specific in prayer. I am very interested in prayer right now.
just imagine a human ping pong game on central avenue in wilmette... that's pretty damn funny.
all i can say is... after having read the book several times myself now- i have been able to clearly and quickly let go of past relationships that still held that "what if" factor in my mind. there is no "what if". and if there was-i should be getting a phone call from the past any moment now...
when you no longer waste time and energy on "what if's" waiting and hoping they notice-you are free and your space is clear.
that space allows for your kind of quality to appear. it allows for what you want to have appear, appear. you will be able to see it and recognize it immediately because you won't be bogged down with and overwhelmed in "but he might finally notice me" land.
and anyhow-having the freedom to not think about relationships that will never happen-gives you more energy, confidence, and clarity to carry out the rest of your life. you haven't used up all of your resources on a "what if, maybe" daydream. you can actually focus, work and accomplish your life without those added frustrations.
if you can't tell by now-i have been totally freed and released from the bondages of "hopeful daydream" because of this book and i am eternally grateful. my life is worth more than waiting around for something. i am the cause of my life. and my life is pretty damn cool. and as for men--it will happen when it happens.
i've been reading a book called "conscious courtship." i LOVE it. it's definitely worth looking at... written by a Baha'i who has been a marriage and family therapist for 20-30 years. he melds psychology, his own professional expertise and observations, with the Baha'i teachings on investigation of character.
it's all pre-marriage stuff, basically "the search" for a partner... from knowing one's self to making conscious observations and choices while you are getting to know another person. everything from positive self-talk to the real excavation process of discovering who you are, who that other person is and how you may or may not work together.
some of its entirely intuitive. once you read it, you'll be like "yeah i already knew that." or "i could have written that."
but, a lot of it is absolutely mind-blowing... like knowing the things that trip up married couples (beyond the cliches everyone talks about)... and things that can be addressed and worked out in the "investigative" stage and how that time can be used to build a conscious partnership.
First of all, thank you Leslie for pointing out this previous entry...i must've missed it! Second of all, i want to take all of your comments (post included) and make it into it's own book..."He's Just Not That Into You...But You Should Be" or something like that. haha.
Either way, loved the comments and am thankful to know you brilliant women!
Lacey, you said, "God is protecting and helping you at all times." Couldn't agree more. When i look at my previous encounters with like and/or love, i realize that i was truly being protected and helped, EVERY TIME. Sometimes, even when you think something is so right for you, it just isn't, and (of course) God knows that and helps you out. Pretty sweet :)
Also, Abi said "We're not going to find the perfect man. If we did, it wouldn't matter because we're not perfect women." I love that. Never looked at it that way, so thank you.
Also, I've read the book and love it.
-Juicebox
Awesome!
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