this weekend i slept a whole wide bunch and it was nice. think i was fighting a cold. also i went on a blind date. it was pleasant. nice fellow. no future romantically i think but perhaps a new friend? he is an astrophysicist, which was interesting enough. went to a talk and a party and vacillated between contentment and discontent-as to be expected when one is genuinely working to define love and interact with loved ones and potential loved ones at the same time. had a 2.5 hour conversation with a very beloved friend in Haifa. further solidified my newly developing belief and definition of love as action. good friends always help you clarify murky thought. overall it was a good weekend.
i have 'the good life' by kanye in my head and i am still at work. i have been in this building for 11 hours. it is time to go home. good night, good life.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Operation Growth-part 2
This weekend I am embarking on something a certain intuitive healer assured me was a waste of time, romantically. In fact, just to reiterate, or iterate, as it were, she said very distinctly almost 2 years ago that I was not dateable. Not a bit. I hadn’t even brought it up-she did. I had gone to speak with her about careers and food and when we were done she asked if we could talk about that elusive topic that cringes my soul and breaks my heart and I have to admit I was very eager to hear what she had to say.
And she said the thing that I feared most was indeed true. That I was not dateable. I was already marriage-material she said. A whole person. She said a bunch of other things about people who date that honestly, if I were to print it here and you were to read it and you were a single person who dated, you might feel a little hurt. Particularly if you were a male, because the things she said were about men in relationships. But ultimately, it was good news for me. I was wonderful she said, a good wife, she said. All sorts of other things. And…here is the kicker, there would ACTUALLY be someone out there for me. Eventually. When I managed to accomplish a couple of small things (like truly internalizing my wonderfulness, very small, really) and eating the right foods to increase my magnetism. She said it might happen in about a year and a half. I would have choices even.
That was 2 years ago. I may said that already. Anyway. What ended up happening is that I became fixated on a certain person. I decided he was the one. He was great. Then, after months of …nothing, I went to see the healer again. And she shook her head at me, lovingly and figuratively, of course. This one, she said, was just not into me. Words spoken then severed my attachment with a quickness, which made me realize how arbitrary the emotion I had for him was. I was loving love but not necessarily him-I was loving possibility but not necessarily him. I was loving hope, and definitely not really loving him.
Sigh. That was over a year ago. Around that time, and before that, I had started running, quit smoking, ate right, got a new job…..all these things towards making my life better and internalizing that whole wonderful thing. And here I sit today. And I’ve made progress, but perhaps not so much. I have a body that wants babies. I have a soul that wants growth, and a spiritual drive towards strength and acquiring as many virtues as possible while striving to live the life God set forth for me.
So the thing I do this weekend, and not to find love by any means but perhaps to practice courage and detachment, is to go on a blind date. Hm. We shall see. One friend said to me maybe I will find a husband. That is true. Another said to me, if you’re not uncomfortable a little bit then you are not growing. I think that is also true. It is also true that I have been single since 2003. It is also true that I am redefining each day what love looks like to me and how I want to practice it, and what I want from someone who would love me for life in that kind of way. I am not delusional about finding it. I know what to look for-my intuitive healer believed I would know. I think it could exist in my vicinity already and perhaps not yet be revealed. I do know that I want to continue to pursue discomfort that grows me in ways unimaginable to me in the moment at hand.
I am nervous. I am curious. I am going to live a little this weekend. And for all the people that are impatiently waiting for me to regale them with tales of horror or of burgeoning true love, I have to warn you, you might just get a little of me being philosophically boring. Or you might get what you hope for.
And she said the thing that I feared most was indeed true. That I was not dateable. I was already marriage-material she said. A whole person. She said a bunch of other things about people who date that honestly, if I were to print it here and you were to read it and you were a single person who dated, you might feel a little hurt. Particularly if you were a male, because the things she said were about men in relationships. But ultimately, it was good news for me. I was wonderful she said, a good wife, she said. All sorts of other things. And…here is the kicker, there would ACTUALLY be someone out there for me. Eventually. When I managed to accomplish a couple of small things (like truly internalizing my wonderfulness, very small, really) and eating the right foods to increase my magnetism. She said it might happen in about a year and a half. I would have choices even.
That was 2 years ago. I may said that already. Anyway. What ended up happening is that I became fixated on a certain person. I decided he was the one. He was great. Then, after months of …nothing, I went to see the healer again. And she shook her head at me, lovingly and figuratively, of course. This one, she said, was just not into me. Words spoken then severed my attachment with a quickness, which made me realize how arbitrary the emotion I had for him was. I was loving love but not necessarily him-I was loving possibility but not necessarily him. I was loving hope, and definitely not really loving him.
Sigh. That was over a year ago. Around that time, and before that, I had started running, quit smoking, ate right, got a new job…..all these things towards making my life better and internalizing that whole wonderful thing. And here I sit today. And I’ve made progress, but perhaps not so much. I have a body that wants babies. I have a soul that wants growth, and a spiritual drive towards strength and acquiring as many virtues as possible while striving to live the life God set forth for me.
So the thing I do this weekend, and not to find love by any means but perhaps to practice courage and detachment, is to go on a blind date. Hm. We shall see. One friend said to me maybe I will find a husband. That is true. Another said to me, if you’re not uncomfortable a little bit then you are not growing. I think that is also true. It is also true that I have been single since 2003. It is also true that I am redefining each day what love looks like to me and how I want to practice it, and what I want from someone who would love me for life in that kind of way. I am not delusional about finding it. I know what to look for-my intuitive healer believed I would know. I think it could exist in my vicinity already and perhaps not yet be revealed. I do know that I want to continue to pursue discomfort that grows me in ways unimaginable to me in the moment at hand.
I am nervous. I am curious. I am going to live a little this weekend. And for all the people that are impatiently waiting for me to regale them with tales of horror or of burgeoning true love, I have to warn you, you might just get a little of me being philosophically boring. Or you might get what you hope for.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Mighty Me
Had a damn good swim this morning. Half a mile. 18 laps. Feeling all strong. Maybe it's because I did those flip turns. I actually swam 4 full laps with 8 proper flip turns. Like a fish. Definitely like a pro. Well. Kind of. I only got water up my nose once. Look out triathlon, here I come!
Monday, October 13, 2008
last nights dreams
so many bloggable things these days. yet today i pick the dreams because they were vivid and tangible. visceral. rememberable. (yes it's a word. what?) to put it briefly, my dreams last night involved me climbing through ceilings and up stairs on a quest that i knew i was bound to conquer. i was very strong and...not quite human. but we will not dwell on that. i woke up feeling pretty good.
from the dream dictionary:
Stairs
To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs, indicates that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual/emotional/material journey. It also represents material and thoughts that are coming to the surface.
To see spiral or winding stairs, signify growth and/or rebirth.
Ceiling
To see a ceiling in your dream, represents a mental or spiritual perspective. It may also symbolize the limit you have set for yourself.
Climb
To dream that you are climbing up something (ladder, rope, etc.), signifies that you are trying to or you have overcome a great struggle. It also suggests that your goals are finally within reach. Climbing also means that you have risen to a level of prominence within the social or economic sphere.
from the dream dictionary:
Stairs
To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs, indicates that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual/emotional/material journey. It also represents material and thoughts that are coming to the surface.
To see spiral or winding stairs, signify growth and/or rebirth.
Ceiling
To see a ceiling in your dream, represents a mental or spiritual perspective. It may also symbolize the limit you have set for yourself.
Climb
To dream that you are climbing up something (ladder, rope, etc.), signifies that you are trying to or you have overcome a great struggle. It also suggests that your goals are finally within reach. Climbing also means that you have risen to a level of prominence within the social or economic sphere.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Monday, October 06, 2008
addiction
i know i am usually pretty forthright in my writing, revealing more than many would. but suffice it to say what i do write about sometimes barely scratches the surface at what i think or experience. lately i have been going through something that is more than what i would write about here.
suffice it to say i have been feeling some urges lately. not to smoke. which is interesting. but definitiely to go on a HUGE bender and get myself so drunk that i barf for three days straight. i haven't done it yet. i wish i could. this whole eliminating of the unhealthy addictions has done wonders for thrusting me face-to-face with the dregs of pain that i have been holding deep in my belly for many years. right now i am contemplating going to my favorite restaurant and ordering so much food i literally go into a food coma. this is my addiction rearing it's ugly head. go away. we don't want you here.
suffice it to say i have been feeling some urges lately. not to smoke. which is interesting. but definitiely to go on a HUGE bender and get myself so drunk that i barf for three days straight. i haven't done it yet. i wish i could. this whole eliminating of the unhealthy addictions has done wonders for thrusting me face-to-face with the dregs of pain that i have been holding deep in my belly for many years. right now i am contemplating going to my favorite restaurant and ordering so much food i literally go into a food coma. this is my addiction rearing it's ugly head. go away. we don't want you here.
Friday, October 03, 2008
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Question on Costumes
I don't know quite when it started, perhaps way back when, when for several Halloweens in a row I was grounded, on restrictions, and not allowed to even dress up, much less go get all the candy, but at some point I developed a high standard of the holiday, and subconsciously concluded that I would try and take as much advantage of it in my adult life as possible. So much so that each year I fret and worry and wrack my brains all over the place trying to determine the 'perfect' costume. I am not a fanatic, I know enough of those to know I don't fit into that category.
As for costumes, I take a pass on sexy and have never been particularly interested in gory or scary. I am a supporter of witty or interesting. This year I am not sure that my idea falls into either category but it definitely will allow me to live out an only recently realized latent childhood fantasy....but I will get into that later. Or not.
When I was a child I believe I was a clown once, and a scarecrow-and I loved being the scarecrow because I thought I was the Michael Jackson scarecrow from The Wiz.
In college I once got the brilliant idea that I and three of my friends would dress as each of the four major elements, hopefully representing our actual astrological signs and everything. Unfortunately I did not have enough friends who thought that was cool. But I went out as FIRE and my friend Heather went out as WATER. We did realize while those two elements were fairly simple to concoct, AIR and EARTH, as different from each other, would have been more challenging so we were totally fine with our limited choices of friends to pull into the fold....no tears there.
I was Athena one year, my hair just the right length to make spikes of a sort all over my head. At least twice in the last 8 years I have been totally lame and put on a long pretty dress and called myself 'long pretty dress lady' or something of the sort. But my two ALL-TIME favorites were a capitalist pig and a sky scraper.
Check this out-I got a pig nose, tail and ears, top hat. Borrowed my friends 'waiting tables' tux and a bling bling plastic dollar sign necklace.
Then, as a sky scraper, dressed all in sky blue, carried around a paint scraper, and scraped myself all night. Sigh. Brings me to my question.
Can you ever repeat a costume? My thought is no but after trying to continually come up with ideas that work for me I wonder....can I revisit the pig after some time has passed? I would like to.
I bring all this up because I had been thinking about it, but then tonight something happened. I was leaving my chiro and walking to the internet cafe, when I came upon a glorious new and large HALLOWEEN store! I have actually been trying to find the bits and pieces to my idea for this year's costume for the last few weeks, mostly going online because I thought that at least one part of the costume could not be found in regular stores. I was wrong. Tonight I have made wonderful headway towards completing a costume that I thought I was going to have to give up on entirely.
Very excited. Now I just need a party to wear it to and some friends to enjoy it with. I hope I can get both. Because going to parties alone is sometimes kinda lonely, even when you know the people who are gonna be there.....
As for costumes, I take a pass on sexy and have never been particularly interested in gory or scary. I am a supporter of witty or interesting. This year I am not sure that my idea falls into either category but it definitely will allow me to live out an only recently realized latent childhood fantasy....but I will get into that later. Or not.
When I was a child I believe I was a clown once, and a scarecrow-and I loved being the scarecrow because I thought I was the Michael Jackson scarecrow from The Wiz.
In college I once got the brilliant idea that I and three of my friends would dress as each of the four major elements, hopefully representing our actual astrological signs and everything. Unfortunately I did not have enough friends who thought that was cool. But I went out as FIRE and my friend Heather went out as WATER. We did realize while those two elements were fairly simple to concoct, AIR and EARTH, as different from each other, would have been more challenging so we were totally fine with our limited choices of friends to pull into the fold....no tears there.
I was Athena one year, my hair just the right length to make spikes of a sort all over my head. At least twice in the last 8 years I have been totally lame and put on a long pretty dress and called myself 'long pretty dress lady' or something of the sort. But my two ALL-TIME favorites were a capitalist pig and a sky scraper.
Check this out-I got a pig nose, tail and ears, top hat. Borrowed my friends 'waiting tables' tux and a bling bling plastic dollar sign necklace.
Then, as a sky scraper, dressed all in sky blue, carried around a paint scraper, and scraped myself all night. Sigh. Brings me to my question.
Can you ever repeat a costume? My thought is no but after trying to continually come up with ideas that work for me I wonder....can I revisit the pig after some time has passed? I would like to.
I bring all this up because I had been thinking about it, but then tonight something happened. I was leaving my chiro and walking to the internet cafe, when I came upon a glorious new and large HALLOWEEN store! I have actually been trying to find the bits and pieces to my idea for this year's costume for the last few weeks, mostly going online because I thought that at least one part of the costume could not be found in regular stores. I was wrong. Tonight I have made wonderful headway towards completing a costume that I thought I was going to have to give up on entirely.
Very excited. Now I just need a party to wear it to and some friends to enjoy it with. I hope I can get both. Because going to parties alone is sometimes kinda lonely, even when you know the people who are gonna be there.....
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