Operation Growth-part 2

This weekend I am embarking on something a certain intuitive healer assured me was a waste of time, romantically. In fact, just to reiterate, or iterate, as it were, she said very distinctly almost 2 years ago that I was not dateable. Not a bit. I hadn’t even brought it up-she did. I had gone to speak with her about careers and food and when we were done she asked if we could talk about that elusive topic that cringes my soul and breaks my heart and I have to admit I was very eager to hear what she had to say.

And she said the thing that I feared most was indeed true. That I was not dateable. I was already marriage-material she said. A whole person. She said a bunch of other things about people who date that honestly, if I were to print it here and you were to read it and you were a single person who dated, you might feel a little hurt. Particularly if you were a male, because the things she said were about men in relationships. But ultimately, it was good news for me. I was wonderful she said, a good wife, she said. All sorts of other things. And…here is the kicker, there would ACTUALLY be someone out there for me. Eventually. When I managed to accomplish a couple of small things (like truly internalizing my wonderfulness, very small, really) and eating the right foods to increase my magnetism. She said it might happen in about a year and a half. I would have choices even.

That was 2 years ago. I may said that already. Anyway. What ended up happening is that I became fixated on a certain person. I decided he was the one. He was great. Then, after months of …nothing, I went to see the healer again. And she shook her head at me, lovingly and figuratively, of course. This one, she said, was just not into me. Words spoken then severed my attachment with a quickness, which made me realize how arbitrary the emotion I had for him was. I was loving love but not necessarily him-I was loving possibility but not necessarily him. I was loving hope, and definitely not really loving him.

Sigh. That was over a year ago. Around that time, and before that, I had started running, quit smoking, ate right, got a new job…..all these things towards making my life better and internalizing that whole wonderful thing. And here I sit today. And I’ve made progress, but perhaps not so much. I have a body that wants babies. I have a soul that wants growth, and a spiritual drive towards strength and acquiring as many virtues as possible while striving to live the life God set forth for me.

So the thing I do this weekend, and not to find love by any means but perhaps to practice courage and detachment, is to go on a blind date. Hm. We shall see. One friend said to me maybe I will find a husband. That is true. Another said to me, if you’re not uncomfortable a little bit then you are not growing. I think that is also true. It is also true that I have been single since 2003. It is also true that I am redefining each day what love looks like to me and how I want to practice it, and what I want from someone who would love me for life in that kind of way. I am not delusional about finding it. I know what to look for-my intuitive healer believed I would know. I think it could exist in my vicinity already and perhaps not yet be revealed. I do know that I want to continue to pursue discomfort that grows me in ways unimaginable to me in the moment at hand.

I am nervous. I am curious. I am going to live a little this weekend. And for all the people that are impatiently waiting for me to regale them with tales of horror or of burgeoning true love, I have to warn you, you might just get a little of me being philosophically boring. Or you might get what you hope for.