DISCLAIMER: what you are about to read may be construed as cheesy. a cheesy topic. one that no matter what adj's I use will sound very strange, boring and annoying to some ears. (if it were spoken aloud, that is.....)
I don't know if it is a cliche or not but you know how the Eskimos have so many words for snow? We should have more for love. I have been contemplating my emotions (well throughout life I do this on a daily basis) and pondering the nature of some of my feelings for some people in my life.
These thoughts have led to the perhaps more universal topic of how does one comprehend the emotion of love. How is it described and defined?
How would you describe it?
I think I have "feelings" for this guy I know, but he isn't so handsome, I would cuddle with him, but not sleep with him. I'm sure if I tried I could come up with completely valid, adult reasons (aside from lack of physical attraction) that I should never date him. Yet I feel so strongly about him. I also had not too long ago an intense physical attraction for another man but had no desire to be his friend at all.
Neither of those things amount to the love I think exists out there but have never really experienced and I would never diminish the emotions felt with all past relationships and friendships for that matter. I have so much and I physically FEEL it in my heart sometimes, sometimes I feel it in my stomach. Sometimes I go crazy with love to feel but have not the outlets to give. (working on it, you know?)
Does anyone else feel it this way? I simply wonder.....
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Friday, January 07, 2005
Lunch Break Fodder
I am having a hard time reconciling my belief that we (all people, but women especially) can choose our own external images with freedom and independence(better adj to come later) with the mounting evidence that perhaps our desire to do so is subconciously motivated by the white/male/super/power structure as a means to keep us subjugated.
For example, does wanting to straighten my hair mean I have a desire to be white? Or that I can only be beautiful if I more closely resemble a white woman? And what about my friend who wants a nose job? She is already stunning to look at and has her own business and is a writer besides--does this financially exorbitant and unnecessary choice reflect an effort to show the world (or her jealous boyfriend) that she is not as successful as she really is? I mean, after all, she has a big nose!
I have been reading Naomi Wolf, for about a year now....slow anger reading, I think. And this is some food for thought!
For example, does wanting to straighten my hair mean I have a desire to be white? Or that I can only be beautiful if I more closely resemble a white woman? And what about my friend who wants a nose job? She is already stunning to look at and has her own business and is a writer besides--does this financially exorbitant and unnecessary choice reflect an effort to show the world (or her jealous boyfriend) that she is not as successful as she really is? I mean, after all, she has a big nose!
I have been reading Naomi Wolf, for about a year now....slow anger reading, I think. And this is some food for thought!
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Dashboard Dreams 2
I am no longer angry. I made it home after all and the world did not end just because I was sleepy all the next day. Funny how that happens, right?
But I find myself struggling with the blaring truth of the matter. My anger rests in fear (doesn't it always?) of driving. Of being in cars with certain people. After much speculation, I can only conclude that my fear is of death and injury. But is it really? Am I afraid of dying? I don't think so--loathe to experience physical pain, maybe, but of my death not fearful at all. I am afraid of living, I think.
Of the kind of living that goes with the knowledge that others died while I survived. The kind of living that goes with rebuilding muscles and mending bones, of sight loss or hearing loss-I could elaborate on this but I know that in the end these are things, in and of themselves, that I will deal with in time and I will survive it and even find happiness again.
What I really what I want talk about is the financial debt it could put me in.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness may have been right, but living with mass debt is no picnic. Quite stressful, and has already affected me physically without the aid of a car accident. I wonder if maybe I weren't so soldered to material things if it would matter....I don't know, confusion.
What is money, right? I guess I see it as having two choices....I could attempt to change my whole nature of being and just not mind that all the money I make goes straight to people who are not me and will threaten me with owing them more money if I don't pay up as quickly as they want me to, OR I could accept the fact that I want certain "comforts" and security and work my butt off extra hard and long just to get to a place where that is a possibility.
I still play the envy card on a fairly regular basis, even though I've worked so hard in the past year to put that behind me. I am envious of people "born into" money. People whose parents paid for school. People who have worked as hard or less hard than me and have way more to show for it. Case in point: Paris Hilton. Not trying to hate, but come on!
I had this roommate in college who called herself a Rich Bitch. She was and she wasn't. Was rich, not so much a bitch. I actually liked her a lot. But she came home one day from her Buddhist religion class the day they talked about karma and she said (somewhat tongue-in-cheek, perhaps) that she must have been really good in a past life to get where she was today.
At the time I rolled my eyes and went into my bedroom and cried, because according to her deductions, that meant I must have been a pretty bad person in a past life. (I mean, if you know me, you know what my childhood was like) Of course, I don't understand karma but I am fairly certain her understanding missed the mark a little.
The point is I notice that an inordinate amount of people with money seem to believe they have it because they are better or more deserving than your average person. The question begs, do people without believe the opposite, that they don't have it because they are less deserving? On some subconscious level, maybe. People (ME) without definitely feel frustrated and trapped at times. I am just one female, supporting myself....what must it be like for families? Disabled? Seniors? They not only live without or less, they live with the knowledge that climbing out the hole may be nearly impossible for them.
I have the dream, the dashboard dream, if you will, that someday I will make enough money to pay ALL the bills and save money and afford creature comforts besides. I dream that someday I will be able to buy a car or a stereo, or take myself out to eat in a nice restaurant once a week. Frivolous? Probably. But my belief that I will acquire the earning power to do these things is perched on the edge, like a nickle on the dashboard. Don't stop too fast, or my dream will fly to the floor and get lodged between the seats.
But I find myself struggling with the blaring truth of the matter. My anger rests in fear (doesn't it always?) of driving. Of being in cars with certain people. After much speculation, I can only conclude that my fear is of death and injury. But is it really? Am I afraid of dying? I don't think so--loathe to experience physical pain, maybe, but of my death not fearful at all. I am afraid of living, I think.
Of the kind of living that goes with the knowledge that others died while I survived. The kind of living that goes with rebuilding muscles and mending bones, of sight loss or hearing loss-I could elaborate on this but I know that in the end these are things, in and of themselves, that I will deal with in time and I will survive it and even find happiness again.
What I really what I want talk about is the financial debt it could put me in.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness may have been right, but living with mass debt is no picnic. Quite stressful, and has already affected me physically without the aid of a car accident. I wonder if maybe I weren't so soldered to material things if it would matter....I don't know, confusion.
What is money, right? I guess I see it as having two choices....I could attempt to change my whole nature of being and just not mind that all the money I make goes straight to people who are not me and will threaten me with owing them more money if I don't pay up as quickly as they want me to, OR I could accept the fact that I want certain "comforts" and security and work my butt off extra hard and long just to get to a place where that is a possibility.
I still play the envy card on a fairly regular basis, even though I've worked so hard in the past year to put that behind me. I am envious of people "born into" money. People whose parents paid for school. People who have worked as hard or less hard than me and have way more to show for it. Case in point: Paris Hilton. Not trying to hate, but come on!
I had this roommate in college who called herself a Rich Bitch. She was and she wasn't. Was rich, not so much a bitch. I actually liked her a lot. But she came home one day from her Buddhist religion class the day they talked about karma and she said (somewhat tongue-in-cheek, perhaps) that she must have been really good in a past life to get where she was today.
At the time I rolled my eyes and went into my bedroom and cried, because according to her deductions, that meant I must have been a pretty bad person in a past life. (I mean, if you know me, you know what my childhood was like) Of course, I don't understand karma but I am fairly certain her understanding missed the mark a little.
The point is I notice that an inordinate amount of people with money seem to believe they have it because they are better or more deserving than your average person. The question begs, do people without believe the opposite, that they don't have it because they are less deserving? On some subconscious level, maybe. People (ME) without definitely feel frustrated and trapped at times. I am just one female, supporting myself....what must it be like for families? Disabled? Seniors? They not only live without or less, they live with the knowledge that climbing out the hole may be nearly impossible for them.
I have the dream, the dashboard dream, if you will, that someday I will make enough money to pay ALL the bills and save money and afford creature comforts besides. I dream that someday I will be able to buy a car or a stereo, or take myself out to eat in a nice restaurant once a week. Frivolous? Probably. But my belief that I will acquire the earning power to do these things is perched on the edge, like a nickle on the dashboard. Don't stop too fast, or my dream will fly to the floor and get lodged between the seats.
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