The thing about smoking is that it's oddly comforting. Nonsmokers have no idea. Think teddy bear or security blanket. It's something we smokers have in times of sadness or frustration or awkwardness, an object on which to focus when all else seems awry. The physical effect is deceivingly calming, but more than that, the act of smoking, of clutching the long thin strip of paper and tobacco in hand, putting it to your lips and inhaling, is a consuming act of doing that almost feels meditative. And when you've had this 'comfort' in your life for years, being without is...unsettling.
I became aware of this once unsuspected aspect of dependency the first time I tried to quit smoking. I would be walking to the bus stop and some guy would be leering at me and as I got closer to him, dreading the moment he might attempt to 'holla' at me, I would reach into my bag for a cigarette, only to remember I was quitting. I would panic and try to take a deep breath. He would 'holla' and I would chew my nic gum faster, as though this would make me feel less objectified. Then I would spend way too long dwelling on what an asshole he was all the while trying to ignore my craving.
Other times I noticed this strange dependency were during those uncomfortable lulls in conversation with people I was not quite good enough friends with yet for lulls to be comfortable--or with people I just knew I wasn't gonna like or be friends with anyway but I still had to try and be amicable for some reason or another. I would be sitting at a table, we would have exhausted the whole, "So, what do you do for a living?" thing, maybe even talked about the weather, and then we would be just sitting. Before, I would pretend my silence was about the cigarette. Now I have to bravely face these situations alone.
Before, if I was walking down a street and some man would get all leery, I could 'fumble' in my bag, pull out a cigarette and take my time lighting it. By the time this was finished, I would have walked past him, and sure, he might be checking out my backside, but of this I was at least, gloriously ignorant. I could somehow pretend that I was invisible to him, because he was invisible to me. The only thing in the world, in fact, was me and my cigarette. (I do have an iPod, now, so at least when some guy says 'Damn girl, (fill in the blank), damn!' now I can pretend I didn't hear him.)
And when the lulls in conversation came, I could be all like "Yo, it's not like you bore me, or I'm all uninteresting and have nothing funny or witty to say to you, it's just, I got this habit, and, well, it's calling my name right now, so if you will excuse me while I light up..." Without a cigarette in moments like these I feel bare naked.
Today I got to deal with another one of those moments--I suck at shit-talking. I don't like to lose, who does? But when I am playing a game and losing, I try to make the best of it. But I will never ever be that stereotypical black woman who can tell a person off. I just can't do it. Likewise, I can't spit game. Or whatever the term is. So when the other 'team' is shit-talking up a storm, AND my team is losing, I just feel kind of, well, shitty. But more because I know my silence (i.e. lack of ability to shit-talk back) will be taken for some sort of poor sportmanship. They start to think I am upset if I say nothing, but I'm not going to laugh it off because being teased and then laughing at my teasers seems sort of, masochistic, so I stare at them dumbly, and make feeble attempts to 'talk shit' back, but it feels pretty false to me and the whole thing puts me out, and then there you have it, I truly am being a poor sport man. This happened today and made me want to SMOKE.
I didn't, by the way, but I am not sure right now about this whole quitting thing. After I sat out a game or two a friend came over and was like, 'Man, I need a cigarette.' He was upset about something as well, and there was nothing I wanted more than to light up with him, our mutual lung poisoning an unequivocal vein of support between us. Which brings me to another thing, the fact that the tendrils of smoke that waft between smokers, is in fact, a bond of sorts, between humans who have become outcasts in society. We love our cigarette. And we understand each other better because of it. That is a grand feeling of camaraderie that I will also miss. I tell myself I will form new bonds, but out of solidarity, I will not form those bonds with people who are nonsmokers. Not like that, anyway, maybe other quitters, I don't know.
What I do know is it is bearing down on 3am and I have to get up at 6am for work. I have spent entirely too much time not sleeping. Tomorrow is day 7. We shall see where the day takes me!
4 comments:
Odelia - you're getting spammed all over the place... spammers, back off!!!
Here's one thought - and it doesn't serve the purpose of quelling (is that a word?) minute-to-minute awkwardness. But, since you mentioned the meditative aspects of smoking -- which I can relate to being that it's so solitary and allows you to take something in that's all yours. It brought to mind that some forms of meditation are all about paying attention to breath. There's one form I've been experimenting with, where you sit, cross-legged with your back straight (as though seated on a throne). Let your eyes fall soft, but not closed. And just breath in and out and pay attention to each breath. When another thought comes - as it's going to - just say "huh, a thought." Let it finish itself and go back to paying attention to your breath.
This method - wow - it makes me feel like my brain took a shower.
Kari
that was a really good post. very detailed and descriptive. and, once again, i am so proud of you for not smoking all this time!!! you're my hero right now. it takes a lot of self discipline and you should be proud of yourself for having that. :)
Thanks ladies! I have been given several different meditative breathing techniques but the one I find is currently working the best, in place of a cigarette, is breathing in deeply thrice,(I said thrice, haha, said it twice) holding it and exhaling. It is most like smoking, and achieves a similar calming effect. I will certainly try your meditation, Kari, as another form of relaxing at home, though! I have a feeling meditation and prayer are going to become a larger part of my life in the next year. The weird thing is, this quitting time HAS been much easier so far than last time. And the truth is I am more committed to quitting, even though I say I am not in the post, than I ever have been. So hopefully this is a good sign. Ironically, two really good friends have recently increased/began their smoking habit recently and I almost regret not being able to share it with them, because for most of our friendships I was always the smoker and they were the non-smoker, heck, maybe I influenced them, and now they smoke and I don't! But just wistful thinking. Thank you both sooooooo much for your support. I can't tell you what it means to me! It is ridiculous to think I need a cheer section, but I really do.
i am quite convinced that the friends i have in China i have because i am a smoker. i suspect that they would find me wholly uninteresting if i was not and i
doubt that i would have had many opportunities to befriend them. That said, i can feel my lungs
decaying inside my chest. i long to run and play with the other kids, but i can't brethe when i do. Part of that, of course, is that the China air is nasty, but i
sort of double my trouble by smoking whenever i have a moment's peace. Which brings me to my next
observation, which is that a moment's peace is significantly less peaceful without a cigarette. It feels more like a pause than a chance to sit a regather my self into a functional being. Lately, those moments have been desperately needed as i move
out of the "honeymoon" phase of cultural adjustment and into the "stress" stage. So all told, i'm glad i didn't quit smoking before i got here (it's a hella
cheap habit in this part o' the world) and i hope i can quit before i get back. Or shortly thereafter.
Here's to you, quitter. i'll try not to shit talk you. i know it stresses you out.
Abi
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