I feel like between me and Kari that the topic of age has been definitely killed, but let me kill it some more..... This weekend, one of my best best best friends was in town. She is a soul mate, for sure. We met junior year of college. She was a philosophy major and I was a journalism major. I can't tell you how many nights we spent smoking and philosophizing, how many hours we devoted to figuring out ourselves in the world we lived in and the world we thought we wanted to live in.
We went to the campus this Sunday and walked around at night. We saw a fox. An actual fox. Just chilling in front of a bush by Kresge. We visited our old haunts and felt................a weird sense of longing combined with utter relief-that it was not our life anymore. I have fond memories of the horror and joy college was. I have been thinking a lot about that time in relation to how satisfied I am with where I am in life now. I am not pleased with my career. I certainly thought I would be further along there. But admittedly I have made great soul headway, but when people ask you what you have been up to lately, you can't usually say, " Well, I spent the last five years dealing with myself. We-myself and I, that is- have come along way in terms of spiritual and emotional health.." My friend is a lawyer now. Making 6 figures. I am so not jealous. Another is in China, another three bestest of best friends are getting their doctorates, and my last best friend owns a marketing research company and is editor in chief of this great nationwide Latino publication. Like I said, so not jealous.
But what I want to get to, is that now, not at 23, not at 25, but now, am I aware of some actual change and growth in me. Significant. A certain part of life is over now. I take note because I don't want to HAVE a mid-life crisis. I want to acknowledge, love and appreciate life at every stage. I don't want to look back and realize I didn't notice! Or look back and regret. Just know where I am and figure out what I need to do to get to the kind of tomorrow that works for me.
I am noticing. I like to be alone now, I used to hate that. I am not afraid to go to a movie alone, stay in on Friday, or go out to eat with a good book. I am, for the first time, friends with people both older AND younger. And it's beautiful. Once, I could not have done it--My mother instilled me with the iron belief that adults and children are not friends, she was not my friend, and would never be. She sings a different tune now, but all through school I remember having a certain amount of awe for people more than 2 years older than me, and slight contempt for people more than 3 years younger than me. Don't ask me why those particular boundaries. I don't know. Not everybody feels or felt this way, but that too, was something I had to come to realize. I don't want to keep saying, "I am going to go do things." Because rather than say that, I am just gonna do. There are other things of course, more personal realizations. It's all good.
I am contemplative.
That is all.
(no more about the age thing. until my birthday when I fully expect lots of parties and love)
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