Coming Home

So I have just returned from Minnesota for my sister's graduation. It was my first time home since my parents announced that they were getting a divorce. In the weeks since their announcement there has been some drama, mostly trauma experienced by all involved. The trip home was....good, but some of it was not good. Yesterday I feel like I almost set off a bomb...and there was a span of minutes where I thought I was going to have to be involved in something that would be irreparable. It was just plain shitty. It's fine of course, but there is something heartbreaking about trying to go about your daily life when the people around you are falling apart. And it's hard not to want to be totally selfish about what you want-I don't know if I have the emotional strength to go home for Christmas. As can be expected, all my four siblings are reacting differently and my youngest brother's bitter sarcasm and unaffectedness is sharp and agonizing.

There is something, too, about being home, a mixture of fondness and anxiety, that I always feel when crossing the St. Croix bridge...there was a lotta crap that I experienced there as a child and going home I fear my past will overtake me-it haunts me, certainly. I always leave feeling like I just dodged a bullet. But I suspect if I did move back there, I could create new memories that squash the old ones, but I am not so sure. Last night I started dialing my friends, hoping someone would answer that could talk me through things in general, after a few calls, I finally spoke with someone for an hour who made me feel better-THANK YOU, you know who you are-I am so glad you were home. It meant a lot to me-you are so awesome you don't even know.

In other news, I took the MEGABUS. I love the MEGABUS. Got me there and back for $23.50. HOORAY for cheapness. And the bus was empty, and I read a good book and watched some good shows on my laptop. That was nice and relaxing. And speaking of money, I don't really have any. I keep not being able to pay bills on time because the lack of money-I determined this week that I need about $600 to magically fall into my lap in order for me to catch up....and when I got home this evening, I had a letter from the IRS.....uh oh, you say, but no! It was a letter informing me that instead of the measly $74 tax refund I thought I was getting, I am actually getting $791!!!!!Yes, thank GOD. Answered a prayer I hadn't even uttered yet. I knew it was whack when I did my calculations but I did my calculations like ten times and kept coming up with the same measly $74.......Of course, the next few weeks will still be a bit hard until I actually get that check, but still.