the nature of grief

We played a game the other night and it reminded me of you, the way you died and I longed to hear your voice. I had wanted you to be my friend more at the end and you were in the best way you could. It hurt me to need you so much but I know how much you loved me. I wanted you to get well but I guess it wasn't in the cards. I miss you so much sometimes but it's a strange ache because I felt such a void when you were here. You were a void really, an empty space where emotions went to get lost. But at one point being with you was home. It was comfortable-it was a piece of me that no longer has a place to go. Did you think I would miss you? Did you think I would cry but not too much? Did you think that my pain and everyone else's would somehow be less than your was? Did you know we'd be angry and relieved and guilty and grieved? At the end tears visited your face more often than kisses, and sorrow was at the surface of your demeanor. Your brilliant mind brilliantly took you through the madness to find this deadly solution to your problem. I knew I couldn't help you and you knew it too so you pushed me away. Each call those last few months pacified me. Suicide-and your attraction to it, was the furthest from my mind. So when I got that call I was.....stupefied.

But why couldn't we have had
one last hug
one last laugh
one last conversation
one last good feeling?
Last are never lasts when you think they are.

I find myself searching for our friendship again-in other souls, other conversations. Sometimes I don't even know that I'm looking for it and it's not until days later I realize I can never have just that again, not that way.
It's funny how even when things are going badly you're still surprised when it's over.

Will these memories grow fonder with time or will the end stain them, the memories, a dark blue, so that laughter becomes morose and sad? My parents are getting divorced and my mom says that her past has been re-written. Have you re-written our past? Maybe just a little, and I may have to edit your part, just a little so that the memories are clear as can be somewhere down the line.