I made plans to see this bluegrass band in my 'hood tonight with an old roommate of mine who is moving to NY in a couple of months. I also made plans to see a Brazilian band downtown with a new friend of mine. I had not heard from Bluegrass friend, and after I called and left two messages, decided she was standing me up and I fatefully made other plans-not out of spite but because I genuinely wanted to spend time with this other friend and listen to music.
Secretly, I knew I wasn't being stood up but I was frustrated that she never returned my call (note: we never spoke about the event, I had just left a message asking if she wanted to go a month ago and she did not return my call until late yesterday) I meant to have gall and when she did call me to tell her I had made other plans but I sheepishly called the other friend and canceled, asking forgiveness. Then I called Bluegrass friend and re-established, or, just established, our plans.
I am happy to see her tonight, we only see each other once every 4-6 months or so....and she was once a very good friend. But I am not happy about my insecurity and behavior and ultimately, my attachment to the situation in general.
I will not go into detail but every once in awhile life jerks you back to the past in a such fierce way that you begin to question yourself and feel all uncomfortable in your skin and *gurg*, I like it not.
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