the horse and the realization

These last two Monday evenings at the beach I've had a delightful sighting. A gorgeous chestnut horse galloping the length of the beach and traipsing by the court where I play volleyball. It is ridden by a cop who seems to think his presence is in dire need at the beach, where lots of dangerous people go to sunbathe. Actually I think he just goes because he knows at that time of the day his beautiful horse can stretch his legs a little.

I have discovered something about myself. I am nervous around most people when it comes to performing. HORRIFICALLY nervous. I play ball worse, dance worse, sing worse, speak worse, etc. I hate performing. But I love doing all of those things. I have not been able to play normal on a Monday night this whole summer because I am playing with people I do not know. I get all angry and imaginative before the game and then when I finally get on the court I get all shaky. And then my game sort of goes out the window.

Also, I hate going to parties by myself. I don't know if this is a new thing, but I think it is.....in the past I believe I would always make sure I had a couple of drinks before going to a party but that is not something I can do anymore. This sounds a bit bad, and it is. I don't know how much this habit caused my current reluctance or merely masked it.

There have been times when I have actually gone all the way to a place, and stood outside the party and then gone home. I did that this weekend. I called the one person I thought would be there whose presence would give me comfort and when she did not answer, I went home. I think I know why I am like that, but I am not sure how to put it into words. At least not right now.