So one of the most frustrating things I think about being human are the autopilot reactions and interactions one has when thrust into social situations that are in no way reflective of their actual self or character.
On an intellectual level, I believe that all human relationships circle around this struggle for love and recognition. And on a personal level, this is how I interpret the things I see and also what helps me forgive and empathize and also understand myself. In some cases,this exchange is a healthy and beneficial interaction but in just as many other cases it is a draining and unhealthy thing.
Although I am getting better at being healthy about it--drawing successfully on the love and support of God, family and friends enough to make it through a day--in certain areas I am still so very vulnerable. And I do not like that very much. I find that around certain people and definitely in certain situations, I do and say things that are geared towards conveying a certain unspoken message. In other words, I resort to passive aggressiveness. "BLEH, BLEH, BLEH," is what comes out. What I really want to say is: “Why do you not love me? How come you do not think I am so amazing? Why can’t we be friends and why am I not president of the company yet?”
The funny thing is, while it is happening, I begin to have an out of body experience where I can see myself doing it and I want to stop me, but since I am out of my body, I am powerless to stop it. Later, after I return to my body, I get mopey and repeat stupid observations to my friends as I try and nurse myself out of embarrassment and mortified memory. I recently realized I was sabotaging a friendship that I really did not want to sabotage. And now I am not sure it is mendable and though it is only conjecture that the person in question wants to be my friend, I would really like to work on being open and present no matter what so that the horrible autopilot passive aggressive monster goes away for good. Go away monster, please?
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