im pretty sure this is me venting a little

i am very cranky today. my natural state of being is 'lazy' and i have not been very respectful of that lately. i have even said the f-word a few times today, and i am not a swearer.

do you ever feel like you are sliding over ice (very thin and breakable) when trying to communicate with someone? i called a company to determine if they produce a certain type of steel and instead of answering my question i was given a spiel and i was completely unable to recover and determine whether what the person was saying was in any way an answer to my question. i re-asked my question and was given another spiel with a slightly defensive edge to it and again i was unable to find the means to clarify the encounter. finally i just told him i did not understand what he was saying and asked him for his email-maybe the written word will pull me out of the icy waters i've fallen in.

either way, i am cranky and i've just told my teammates that i cannot make the vball game tonight, which makes me feel relieved because now dirty clothes can get cleaned and food prepared for the week and sleep acquired but makes me feel guilty because i am the only girl who showed up last time (it's upper inter 4's) and my other female teammates do not show they will have to forfeit-and we are a decently good and competitve team. plus, i like vball so i miss it when i don't do it.

all i know is i need to be honorable to my natural state of being very soon...perhaps in the form of a few days off from work??? i do get that whole 4 week thing to think about. grr. argh.

Double booked

I made plans to see this bluegrass band in my 'hood tonight with an old roommate of mine who is moving to NY in a couple of months. I also made plans to see a Brazilian band downtown with a new friend of mine. I had not heard from Bluegrass friend, and after I called and left two messages, decided she was standing me up and I fatefully made other plans-not out of spite but because I genuinely wanted to spend time with this other friend and listen to music.

Secretly, I knew I wasn't being stood up but I was frustrated that she never returned my call (note: we never spoke about the event, I had just left a message asking if she wanted to go a month ago and she did not return my call until late yesterday) I meant to have gall and when she did call me to tell her I had made other plans but I sheepishly called the other friend and canceled, asking forgiveness. Then I called Bluegrass friend and re-established, or, just established, our plans.

I am happy to see her tonight, we only see each other once every 4-6 months or so....and she was once a very good friend. But I am not happy about my insecurity and behavior and ultimately, my attachment to the situation in general.

I will not go into detail but every once in awhile life jerks you back to the past in a such fierce way that you begin to question yourself and feel all uncomfortable in your skin and *gurg*, I like it not.

New name

Let's face it, I haven't been a waitress for several years. And I am no longer disgruntled. I am quite content, really. This blog has taken the place of my diary, er, journal (last regular entry was circa 2003) and while I can pretty much guarantee the raw stuff that usually goes in the journal (much more grown up word than 'diary') did not and does not make the cut for this blog, the blog has still accomplished the feat of soothing my overly obsessive mind at times and given clarity to turmoil over the years.

So hence, the new name....delineations. I think I may still have to revive the journal, some thoughts should remain raw and uncut.

But it was time for a change. Not a big one. But a change.