A good run

It's that moment when your feet hit the pavement and you find the right pace, that moment when you begin to feel like you can run forever because the wind is at your back, the road before you is wide open, and for some reason, a body out of practice yields a strength and endurance you think it has no business possessing...it's in that moment, that you feel like you can do anything. And you can.

Confirmation

I have struggled to explain, articulate, clarify the feeling I have had brewing in my soul these past few weeks/months. I still am struggling, and at some point, it is my hope to be able to put it down on paper in as eloquent a way as possible. Now is not that time. But I need to say something. I need to see it manifest through the tips of my fingers, to help draw shape and form to emotion, because soon, very soon, I anticipate a call to action on the very things in my heart that I can barely contain at this moment. Let's call it confirmation. Let's call it light after 35 years of darkness. Let's call it joy in the face of defeat and strength in the face of weakness. Let's call it, I don't know....my every hapiness and confidence returned. A lot of things have fed into this moment, this growth. Greenlake this year was perhaps the tipping point, where I was asked to do something that in as many years as I have been alive would have triggered abject shame, fear and self-hatred, but instead showed me how far I have come to finding what everyone else has known all along. My friends can thoroughly attest to my struggles and my barriers, and I wish I could write the very moment down of triumph for you to experience as well, but to do so would be to overshare and divulge, when I am looking to maintain my boundaries, even to an audience as minimal as those who read my blog. My career path is finally being validated, my strengths are revealed and I know where I am starting to go and it is all very exciting. Other things will happen, good things. I am looking forward to them all.

The Awkwardness of Laughing at Death

So, as a former sales person, reporter, waitress and current producer, I have learned well the varied nuances of communication and listening skill that enables me to do my job well. I am not always very good at communicating or listening, but suffice it to say, if I set my mind to it, it can be done.

I am also very aware of my failings, my nervous fillers and bullshit fillers and in general, my go-to fall back phrases, that for the omniscient observer, or really intuitive friend, indicate that I am either NOT listening as well I should be, either because I don't understand something, it is hard to hear, or I have boldly and perhaps ignorantly decided that what you are currently saying has no bearing on what I need to move forward. I am a deeply flawed individual, my friend. I am working on it.

Sometimes I laugh to fill in the space, other times I say 'oh wow'. This has become an unfortunate habit with my current task of speaking daily to health and safety professionals who work in an indsutry where fatalities are very real. It is not uncommon for me to receive an email that states "I apologize, I cannot send XYZ because we are investigating a fatality that happened yesterday." And it is serious. And sobering. And yet, several times now I have been in conversation with these professionals and inadvertantly laughed. AT THE WRONG TIME. When they are talking about death. They have not yet seemed to mind, but I hope I can get that horrible habit of mine fixed before it's too late.

I really wanted to talk about why people irritate me but that would be a really useless and soul-limiting thing that would not benefit me or anyone....

So instead I will talk about how much I hope that my African Violet plant recovers from the neglect of my half-hearted love and eventually blooms flowers again.

Right now we are at the point where I have eliminated the leaves that were yellowing and I have her at my desk so that I remember to water her regularly instead of not regularly.

I coo and coddle her with my mind (instead of my words, to avoid crazy looks from my worker neighbors) and let her know with my eyes how much she is loved.

It is possible she will remember with bitterness her time in the office window over there, where I could not see her, and where the old adage came true, 'Out of sight, out of mind.' I kept forgetting to water her, and even setting Outlook reminders on my calendar could not remedy the drought that was her bed.


I thought I was doing her a favor, giving her unencumbered access to sunshine, but according to the internet, she doesn't need that much sunshine after all, and can exist just as well on my desk under the flourescent lights as she can over there, out of my line of sight.

She is looking good, albeit a little sparse. Her bed of dirt is moist, and her leaves are green. I love her. I was a bad parent for awhile. But, God-willing, that shall change.

Sneaky Google

I really hate the way that Google has latched itself on to all these things like youtube and blogspot. I used to have passwords for these things that were specific, unique, safe and, most importantly, MEMORIZED.

But one by one any site that I use that is now inextricably linked to Google has at point or another confused me so thoroughly that without realizing it, I changed my passwords to my favorite and most used sites, inadvertently created at least three new accounts, and I am now completely unsure which NEWLY COMPLICATED password I have set for myself for a variety of sites.

(insert swear word here) Google!

Oops. Did I mention I am super sleepy and cranky today?

List of Things I Don't Want to Do the Night Before Taxes are Due

1. My taxes




Oh.





That's pretty much it.

Just wondering

Is it acceptable to respond to people on dating websites the way you would in person?

Or, because it is a dating website, do you have to be all strategic and selective? Generally speaking, in the real world, if someone says "Hey!" I say "Hey," and if someone says "What kind of cheese do you like?" I say "Gouda!" Or something like that.

But here, oh god, here......in the interwebby world of romance...

I feel bad talking about some of the guys who approach/contact me...which is why I haven't. But every once in a while a guy who is decidedly younger than my preferred range of age will send me a message. And sometimes...he will send me LOTS of messages before I have decided whether or not to respond....and I just want to say..."Hey Kiddo!" and leave it at that.

Just.... "Hey Kiddo!" and see what they say.

When they seem nice, and fairly attractive, I feel compelled to respond.. But what I actually do is check their profile, check FB, then go wash dishes.

I did meet a fantastic guy in the real world and he seemed into me but after a few days of silence on his end, I have to conclude that he was actually NOT into me. Good thing I didn't do anything humiliating like show up on his doorstep with a dozen roses. Get really drunk and leave a thousand messages on his phone like "Why! Whyyyyyyyhayhayaeyeyuh haven't you called me?"

Yep. I am totally well-adjusted and handle rejection well. (Lemme just go toss out these wilting roses...just kidding!)

Is this what you think of me?

I told a co-worker that I went on a date the other day and she began asking me all about him. I told her how we met (at a wedding) and how the date itself transpired (brunch and a walk by the river), and without missing a beat, she asks me if he was single.

Is he single? As in, did I just go on a date with a married man? Or are you interested in dating him?

Either way.....really?

I mean, wait, no......really?

Packing Dilemma

I hate that every single dress I own (which is a modest 9) has been ruthlessly showcased on FB because my stupid friends think every meal or outing has to be immortalized (which is fine) and publicized (which is less fine).

It makes actual special events, like one's father's birthday, hard to pack for. I begin to wish I had a new dress, I begin to contemplate buying one, I begin to justify the not-planned-for, added stress to an already stressed out budget, I begin to imagine being able to fit in a trip to the mall between the warmly anticipated brunch date (am I paying for that too since I asked him?) and the actual surprise birthday dinner.

Social media makes fashion hard.

And clearly keeps me up past my bedtime.

This happened....just now.

Came home.

Threw on a favorite pair of sweats.

Thought to myself:


UGH.

GROSS.

WHAT HAPPENED? (Must be that burger you ate)

MUST HAVE GAINED FIVE POUNDS.

WHY DO THESE FEEL WEIRD ON MY THIGHS AND TUMMY?

IT'S YOUR FAULT, I say to me.

I shrugged it off and checked FB. I told myself I would get off FB in just a few minutes, but an hour went by. I finally got up to wash dishes. I still have to pack tonight. I sank into the couch and checked FB again. WHY AM I LOOKING FOR A DISTRACTION? NOTHING IS HAPPENING ON FB.

I stood up.

Reach my hands for my pockets. Only to realize these dang sweatpants are on backwards.

Switched back, feeling fine and somewhat chagrined at how mean I am to myself.

#workingonthat

"The earth is but one country-mankind, it's citizens."

In my ever growing certainty that the concept of "us v. them" is poisonous, and should be eradicated from our mindsets as human beings, I share with you an important piece of learning from my job today.
It is yet another sign, or evidence, in my mind, that the teaching and influence of Baha'u'llah is wafting over all of mankind unbeknownst to us.

In reading background research about improving safety in the workplace today - for an Health and Safety in Mining Conference I am putting together - I read that one of the keys to increasing interpersonal trust (and improving safety) in the workplace is by minimizing the "we-they" mentality....oh really???

No kidding.

Employers can make this happen by promoting the following "C" words in themselves and others:

Communication
Caring
Candor
Consistency
Commitment
Consensus
Character


It even talks about consensus in ways that sound eerily like the pre-requisites for consultation from the Bahai Writings.

Super awesome. Why can't everyone learn this stuff??

Operation Edit #2

I have a confession to make-I have not really been working on this at all. But I am starting to now. 2004 is halfway done. Then on to 2005.

What's interesting about reviewing your own thoughts are seeing the ways in which you have changed, and the the ways in which you haven't. It's very humbling.

Cheers!

When Positive Positioning Doesn't Work

You know, I have been in sales/customer service pretty much nonstop since 2001.

I've learned some things. What I haven't learned is whether some of the strategies and sales approaches that are used have names or whether there is a 'sales language' that is used for teaching sales tactics.

I have only read one book (it was awesome) that was indirectly about being a good salesperson and to be honest, I have always abhorred the idea of identifying as a salesperson. I mean, they are a bunch of greedy manipulators  right? Actually, some of them are upright, moral citizens who possess strong values. Some of them.

I am not in sales now. But everyday I come into contact with others on their individual career paths and learning curves and let me tell you, after 12 years or so, I feel strongly compelled to guide the misguided.

It's conceited of me, I know. And in most cases, I refrain from speaking, knowing the futility of giving unasked-for advice to strangers. But then I remembered that I have this blog. So maybe here is a space to get it all out.


Just maybe.


The other day I was visiting America's Best, which has been my eye vendor of choice for the last three years, namely because they are nearby and have a $99 'membership' deal that offers discounts on products and 'free' eye exams for three years. For some reason, I thought my three years were up, and because I am trying to save money for a few months, I decided to wait until closer to summer to get my annual eye exam and order a 6-month pack of contact lenses.

Glasses on girls are hot, after all. I don't mind rocking 'em out for a few months until beach volleyball season.

But I got a call from the store last week-my three year membership was actually ending in a few days. Quickly I checked my budget-if I can get that 'free' eye exam, I may just be able to order those lenses now instead of later, and just not worry about it for another 6 months. So I set up the appointment for the following day.

The exam went well. My prescription changed only slightly, lowered, in one eye. The young woman handling the order for my lenses was so bright and sunny and happy, but as she tried to enter my order into the computer it soon became apparent there was a problem. It was her first multi-focal lens order and she didn't think she knew how to enter it into the system. After some time, and help from a manager, it turned out that the brand of multi-focal lens that I needed had been removed from their ordering system, accidentally. A similar lens to mine had been discontinued, hence the possible mix-up.

So I was going to have go home without placing an order. They would call me the next day to easily sort it out. Would I still qualify for the discount afforded by my membership since, through no fault of my own, I was unable to order my lenses that night? Why YES, said the manager, he insisted on it.

When I got the call the next day, from a different manager, I was told that my preferred brand was on back order (not discontinued) and would not be available until May. I could go with a new brand, or just wait and maybe try some sample lenses until then. I was then told that they would be able to waive my exam fee.

Over the course of the next few days I was told this countless times. When I ordered my contact lenses, my exam fee would be waived. But I just had an exam, and it was 'waived'. Or rather, three years ago, I paid $99 and hence every exam in that time period did not come with any additional cost.

As you may well know, eye doctors only require you to get an exam every 12 months, so I would not NEED an exam for another year. When I pointed that out to them, they told me that when I ordered my lenses, my exam would be waived. It didn't make a lot of sense, since I was clearly ordering my lenses well before a need to have another exam.

But wait, I wondered, is there something I can do right now that will save me money? They clarified that the club membership was $99, whereas just an exam (without membership) was $79. So did that mean if I paid $20 right now, my membership would be renewed for another 3 years and I wouldn't have to pay the $79 when I needed another exam in 12 months?

No, she said. You would still have to pay that. We went back and forth for awhile where I tried to determine just what she was talking about. Until it occurred to me what was happening.

See I know how to deliver information in such a way so that my client or potential customer thinks they are saving money or getting a deal, when in fact, they are just getting what we offer to begin with. If I have a potential client who is looking to secure an exhibitor-level sponsorship but feels cautionary about the $9K investment, I tell him that as a bonus, we will give him the attendee contact list, which is something we only give to the silver-level and above sponsors. But really, they all get the attendee contact list. It means nothing to us, but can be a lot of potential revenue to them. But positioning it like this makes it feel like they are getting something unique and special.

Some people would consider this lying. Or withholding information to use as a tool (weapon?) to cause a desired outcome. It only works if your potential customer isn't aware of all the potential benefits available to begin with.

I have decided this strategy should be called Positive Positioning. Maybe there is a name for it already or maybe I heard that once somewhere but don't remember. You manage the emotions of the client in such a way as to more successfully or quickly close the deal. As an astute sales person, you are much more likely to be successful using this tactic if you can adequately read your potential client, and discern what they know and understand about the transaction.

With AB, the deal is, you pay $99 and for the following 3 years every exam is free and you have a discount on your eye products. Pretty straightforward. If you do not want the membership, the exam is $79 dollars.

There is no getting around that. Yet over the course of many conversations in the span of two days, the employees I spoke to kept saying they could 'waive' my exam fee.They did not seem to understand that what they were saying did not make sense, which was funny, and baffling to me. Kudos to the company for trying to capture business more effectively...but guys?....I'm not stupid.

(On a side note, it is entirely possible that I am the dense one and there is something about this special deal that I was missing, despite my intense efforts to clarify what was being communicated. I am humbly welcome to being corrected-but either way-positive positioning can be a valuable tool if you do it right.)

Operation Edit

Remember when the internet was invented and we all just willy-nilly started our own blogs and were amused with our own highly witty musings that were all typed up with a shameless disregard for punctuation and grammar?

Yep. I do too.

I'm gonna go back and make some edits. Almost 10 years of writing.

Wish me luck.

A memory brought on by a tv show tonight...

Have you ever noticed, at the funerals of friends that have passed away, that their parents tend hold on to you a little tightly. It's as if, in having you there, they have a piece of their lost child, a piece they never really knew about, but loved so deeply all the same.

The power in that moment--the scary--is being treated like family by someone you have only met moments ago, and yet known, through the eyes of a best friend, intimately...and for years.

Internet Dating Antics

I think we learn a lot about ourselves when trying to online date, for example, how open-minded we truly are, how much of our ego makes the decision when deciding to send a 'wink' or accept a request to talk.

I harp so much on men who only date beautiful women and yet, online, I have a REALLY HARD TIME being open to and accepting a conversation with a man I don't find initially attractive. I know, from real life experience, that men I do not initially find handsome do in fact, become beautiful to me on account of their character or mannerisms, but, unfortunately, this can never be discerned on an internet dating site.

But where do I draw the line? I am committed (call it a New Year's resolution, if you will) to putting myself out there for the whole of 2013, or at least until I have a boyfriend. I am going to be 36 this year and my baby box is starting to get stale, so I'm drawing on courage, humility, and the willingness to open myself up to rejection and potential heartache in order to make some changes in my life.

But does that mean the man with bad skin, who looks much older than his professed 40 years, is a 'good match' for me? He mentioned he liked to play volleyball but he lives in Milwaukee and I wonder if he means crappy church ball, like 79% of the population that says they love volleyball. In order to eliminate him from my "I should give everyone a chance because I don't want to seem shallow and quick to judge" list, I considered sending him a message about whether he preferred a 5-1 or a 6-2 defense and how often he played doubles at the beach, but instead, I just ignored his message and deleted him from my list of potentials.

This time around (yes, I have done this before), I have a few ground rules. If he sends me a message but does not actually personalize it, or mentions his propensity for casual sex, or is completely outside of my age range, he does not get a response. Unless he is young and earnest, than I kindly tell him he will find a special lady but that I am not it, and good luck. I did that the other day, and this very young man came back with another note basically saying "please give me a chance!" I still said no, but I felt bad about it.

Anyhow, today I got a message from a man in Macedonia. Forty-three years old. Only wants women between the ages of 28 and 38. Can I just tell you, that it is 100% unanimous amongst my female friends and family, that a man who refuses to date a woman within his age range is immediately suspect. Traditionalist dogma, inequality, power trip, ego-driven are some of the terms that come to mind.

The implications of such a thing, to me, seem to immediately fly in the face of my own personal beliefs about the purpose of marriage. I believe that the purpose of marriage is to establish and promote unity, fellowship and harmony, the conditions of which are total equality and justice within the partnership, with both parties equally serving the other to travel further along their spiritual paths.... and to have babies.

But aside from all that, Macedonia?

So yes, this guy goes on my "no-reply" list. It's kind of like a "no fly" list except these men can still fly. And I am not the FBI.

(Here is where I mention that I was also contacted by a man in his 50s whose profile told me he lives in Australia, and is married, and is completely open with his wife about needing intellectual conversations with other females. No reply.)

A Different Kind of Jinks

Before I walked away, I asked each of my five co-workers and my boss if they needed anything.

"Batteries, if you don't mind," said one.

I took one last look around before taking the long way up to the front desk, key card in hand, to grab a mini-notepad. Walking quickly past the sales team on the other side of the office, I stopped for a brief chat with Charles, the sponsorship sales kid, before hurrying along my way to the front.

When I got there, the head of human resources, a large, jovial man, was maneuvring his way around two large boxes while a pretty young woman was stooped over behind the desk, changing into her heels.

"Hello, how are you?" he asked me as he worked his way to one side of the boxes.

"I'm great," I said. "I just need a notebook."

"You know where it is...help yourself." He began talking to the pretty woman who was now hanging her coat as I reached into one of the closets behind the desk to grab a small notepad. I began to walk away and did an immediate about face.

"Oops! I forgot batteries!" The head of human resources pulled a packet out of a drawer and handed them to me. I looked at the girl as she prepared to sit at the desk.

"New hire?" I asked.

"No," he said. "All of our team is out sick today so I called a service, she is just here for the day."

When got back to my desk, I looked at the other two co-workers in my pod who have NOT been out sick for several days with the flu in the recent weeks.

"Guys, the whole human resources team is out sick today-crazy right?" I said.

As though we had practiced it a million times before, we each reached for our mini hand sanitizer bottles. Like a synchronized swimming team, we popped open the lids, shook some liquid into our hands, set the bottles down, and rubbed our hands together while shaking our heads.

Maybe, just maybe, it will pass us by. One can always hope, right?

One new thing a day...

I find myself amazed at my long-legged, beautiful co-worker, whose vibrant and vivacious energy is simultaneously delightful and oppressive. She possesses an excitement for life that is so common for newly-graduated 20-somethings who are experiencing city life for the first time, and learning the nuances of the professional world with raw emotion. She grows before our very eyes everyday.

Today I learned that she had never heard about Nelson Mandela, or apartheid, or that white people even lived in South Africa. This from a comment about a South African band she recently discovered (made up of young white men) that she wanted to tell me about, and a song she wanted to play for me.

"I didn't even know there WERE white people in South Africa, that's crazy to me! So I looked it up and now I know all about the different cultures that are there, it's so interesting.." And she went on about how she would like to visit and learn more, and she was so surprised at what there was to learn that she didn't know. And she committed to educating herself.. I love this young woman.

But I am amazed, as I mentioned earlier, at how little she knows about things like apartheid, and Jim Crow and other basic parts of world and American history. It makes me wonder what they are teaching in schools. I knew about all of this as a teenager, and I wonder if it is because I am a person of color, from a mixed race family and diverse community, or is it because my school simply educated us about these things? Where and when did I first hear the name of Nelson Mandela?

Is this phenomenon in part the reason why so many ignorant people claim that racism is dead? Do we lack the basic knowledge about our country's history and outcomes and side effects of these traumas? This is the knowledge that would perhaps offer a widened perspective on the state of race relations today. I don't know.

But it's something to think about, certainly. If we are a nation of undereducated individuals, how do we change that?