confession

i like the song man in the mirror. i also grieve for the MJ that was.

i ordered knives today so when it comes time to get my own apartment oct 1, i can cut things.
food things....just so we're clear.

???

Apparently I have been a Baha'i for many many years. In fact, I am currently pioneering in Colombia. Yessiree. Lately I been feeling a little tired, but now I know why! It's all the traveling I have been doing. I knew I was a little too dark for the Chicago sun! Anyway, that is the call I received today concerning my card, and why it is taking so long to get to me!

It's funny cuz I ain't never been to no new country, not even Canada or Mexico. Excuse me folks, I got some calls to make......

things here and there

I just had a moment. Staring off into the distance. Thinking about my cat. She gives me great comfort and lots of love. I fondly think of her while I am at work. This attachment I have is a new thing to me!

Speaking of attachment, I surely need to work on Detachment. My Tuesday Epiphany is this: when things happen to make me feel insecure, sad, hurt, angry or frustrated, I often turn to the nearest human being for affirmation and comfort, regardless of whether they are equipped spiritually or intellectually to calm my fears, make sense of my confusion, or offer genuine understanding and condolence. This habit of mine can inadvertantly lead to backbiting or misunderstanding and severe judgement from the person with which I was trying to bond. If I can successfully learn to look inside and above for support in these instances, I believe I will gain the strength I need to let harmful words roll off my back instead of sinking into my soul and festering, and this skill I hope to attain will also help clarify my purpose and fortify my resolve to pursue the things that will get me to my goals in life happily....but for now, let me just say...arrrrgh! From now on, I shall confide more regularly to my cat instead of random humans. At least I know she will say one thing and one thing only, mraowww....

Duck Duck.....

I had a great time @ Greenlake. Lots of stimulation. Lots of people. Excitement. Learning, empowering and inspiring speeches and what not. I also learned that I am still clumsy as heck even without the aide of chemicals and toxins. Right now I have my phone sealed in a bag with silica packets taken from sample vinyl padfolios we got laying around the office-rumor has it that silica will suck all the moisture out the phone thereby restoring it to its former working order. It (my phone) decided to go for a swim in Greenlake without me. Now I have to deal with the consequences. I also lost my glasses, but a kind man/saviour returned them unharmed to Lost and Found.

But as I sit here I realize I missed out on a great opportunity. I was surrounded by Minnesotans. And I have been doing this survey with Minnesotans and non-Minnesotans for many many years:

In college a friend and I discovered that only us Minnesotans have played the game Duck Duck Gray Duck. Non-Minnesotans, or crazy people, as I like to call them, play this strange copy-cat game called Duck Duck Goose. "Gray duck, what's a gray duck?" they ask with exasperation. If you don't know, I'm not gonna tell you, crazy person.

Anyway, since then, I have never met a born and raised Minnesotan who says Duck Duck Goose, nor have I met a non-Minnesotan who knows about the illustrious Gray Duck. I so could have explored that this weekend! I could have had flyers made, something. I surely missed out. Anyway, if you read this, and you are from Minnesota, holla. Crazy people can holla, too. Are you a goose person or a gray duck person? I must must must must must know........

endless summer nights coming to an end.....

(Do I write too much about nothing?)

My arms are wide open trying to grasp at what I cannot hope to hold on to-- summer, in all it’s gloriousness is fading away. The leaves are already beginning to turn brown as the breeze blows across the sand rearranging the stamps of human existence. The children who played here earlier, running to and fro, throwing balls; and the men and women laying out, moving here and there to catch the best ray or to grab the bottle of water at their side; the volleyball players and dog walkers, all have left their own unique sand prints. All evidence of daytime lives blow away as the sun sinks slowly behind the skyscrapers and deep blue night settles resolutely over the world.

The lights in the buildings along the lakeshore cast another kind of warm glow over the beach, trying to reach the water but…….not…….quite…..getting……there, and the waves that caress the sand seem careless and clueless about the attempted merger. The water remains black at the shore and dusted with starlight further out. The moon has risen orange in the sky, large and luminous, creeping out above the water and shining in a fierce and hollow imitation of the sun it said goodbye to on the way up.

The air is cooler here than it was last week. The sidewalk adjacent to the sand is still full of people trying to make it home before night takes full hold--bikers, runners and bladers all sweating away their worries, and strollers like me hoping to crystallize the moment in eternity. Cars are whizzing by on LSD, their speed implying a deliberation and purpose I cannot mimic. And though the world around me hustles and bustles I am at one with the calm of the water. I am living now. I am living and breathing here and now. This moment, taken with surety, is mine to keep, forever in a corner in my mind. This is my life. These are my memories, my impressions. And now I share them with you.

Could it be more perfect?

I am going on a boat cruise tonight, 3 hours, out on Lake Michigan. I have been sailing already, to the beach once or twice a week this whole summer, gone to several summer festivals, summer danced my arse off twice, rediscovered beautiful life-long friendships, made some new friends, been to a swimming pool, this weekend I am going to Wisconsin to get some of the nature that I miss and love, I have been clubbing like a rock star with actual stars, read a TON of really good books, spent amazing time with awesome brothers and a sister, learned I was going to be an Auntie, walked the Brooklyn Bridge, traversed Coney Island and met Ayveq the Walrus, and discovered how much I love Baha'u'llah. All in all it's been a great summer.

I have been keeping my eyes wide open so as not to miss it. Every winter, I sigh and lament and wonder where my summer went and why it ended so soon. This time, I have actually consciously been pausing a bit every few days to drink in the sounds, the smells, the feelings. I am hoping to store a bit of the good stuff in my soul to take out and use when the days are dark and dreary. I also had a revelation the other day, I don't hate winter. I thought I did. But if I didn't have it, I would miss it. How's that for weird? I still wouldn't mind moving somewhere without a winter for awhile, but I will take that as, and if, it comes, naturally. I prefer the tranquility of Minnesota winters to the sludge and wind of Chicago winters, but what are you gonna do?

Back to summer days, though, few things could make this more perfect. My student loans miraculously being paid off would probably do it. As it is, I won't have them paid off until I am like 59 years old. On the other hand, I can actually say with all honesty, I put myself through school. All by myself. But at quite the cost, because my school was so dang expensive, but now I am just rambling. stop leslie stop. stop. ok. Summer rocks! I can't wait to get out on the open water and feel the breeze in my eyeballs! er, hair, breeze in my hair....

Musings from near 30-somethings while waiting in line to ride the roller coaster or Bon Jovi Rules

Me: Shot through the heart....
Me and Kiyo: And you're to blame! You give luuuuuu-0-uve a bad name, I play my part and you play your game, you give luuuuu-o-uve a bad name.
Gavin: Like Francis or Ethel....
Me: Huh?
Gavin: You know, a bad name! You give love a bad name!

Oh the laughter.

Are we getting old or what? Not only were we singing Bon Jovi (knew all the words) in public surrounded by hundreds of people, but we didn't even care! I remember when parks were all about checking out the cute boys and giggling. And NOT singing in public. Also, the fear/fun ratio has changed dramatically. I am going back, because I believe in conquering all fears. But I believe the raspy raw throat I have today is a tribute to the fact that things change and things that used to be a blast sometimes turn into things that make you want to pee your pants.

Linktastic

Once upon a time I had a boyfriend who knew Linux better than he knew English. He could speak the language of computers oh so well. It was.....sexy???? Mmm, maybe not so much. But he definitely opened my eyes to the world of websites, or rather, the possibility of having my own. He started this bloggy thing for me, anyway. Then, I dumped him (it's fun to say that, dumped), and I no longer have a computer whiz brain to pick when it so moves me to do things all technical-like on the computer.

But I enjoy the fact that at least I know how to go into my template and cut and paste, thereby adding linky links to my site. I just added some. You should check it out. I realize I am all woman-power right now with them, but I do not think this is a bad thing. It just so happens that I do not currently know of any men's magazines I want to link to and I do not have any male friends who have said, Please, please link me to your blog! Technically, Abi and Kari didn't ask either, I asked them, and let's pretend Margaret Cho did because I'm cooler if you think she talks to me. (hehe) Oh, and I would like to claim friendship with Ms. Waxman because she is awesome and I support everything she does, from sex education to her presidency at Feminists for Free Expression ( http://www.ffeusa.org/). But I will honestly just tell you that I met her once and spent some time with her and if I lived in New York, I would probably ask her out to coffee to chat some more....

But what I want to do, not right away, but eventually, is figure out how to put pictures on here. I know some of y'all must know how to do that, so one day, one of you must tell me. But not today, because my camera is broken.

kicking and screaming

much as i am loathe to admit it, when i make awesome sales, i feel giddy and excited. I have already sold more than $7000 worth of products today and it's not even noon.......go me.

Invasion of the Colored People!!!!!

I know I already posted today. I know I should be working. I know a lot of things. Like how not happy I am with the Chicago Tribune today.

"Although booming immigrant populations increase the need for schools and social services, Sylvia Puente, director of the University of Notre Dame's Institute for Latino Studies in Chicago, said their value to the economy is often overlooked."We are increasingly dependent on low-wage labor," she said. "Installing drywall and your restaurant tab would cost much more without them."

ARE YOU FRICKING KIDDING ME??????? This in an article about the growing population of Latinos in Chicago. I mean, fine, it's a newsworthy story. But now really, who in their right mind...oh wait. I live in CHICAGO, I forgot. That's how it is.

"We have a lot more coming," said Juany Garza, who this year was elected Aurora's first Mexican alderman. "People who are here are bringing more people, their close families."Demographers say the rapid growth of Hispanics, combined with lower birth and higher death rates among an aging white populace, is propelling the metropolitan area toward becoming a region where minorities are the majority.

"I don't see anything that will stop it," said Kenneth Johnson, a demographer at Loyola University Chicago.

Stop the presses, folks, and grab your guns. We took this land from dem dere Injuns and we shore as hell ain't gonna let no one else take it from us!

Grrrr. I say. Arggh. Anyway, I am not sure if this link will work, but if you care, you can cut and paste and read for yourself. How do I fight this type of battle? So subtle, yet blaring. But I bet a great number of folks who read this article today didn't see anything wrong with those quotes. It just sounds soooo bad to me. Who wrote this crap? Who edited it? Who was copy-edited it?

http://www.chicagotribune.com/business/chi-0508110205aug11,1,67511.story

Heads High

I forgot how much I love dancehall! Reggae makes a morning commute not only tolerable, but enjoyable. My foot tapped all the way to Evanston. I was sad to have to take out the earphones when I reached my cubicle, but I had a BIG smile for the nasty bossman and while I am not sure if I am interested in scoring brownie points, the pearlies couldn't have hurt. Ipods are awesome, I also added Les Mis and Christina Aguilera--I am such a girl.

It's raining, so SummerDance may not take place/be all that fun tonight. But I am looking forward to seeing Funkadesi, as I have heard so much about them. Last night we won our volleyball game, so we made it through the first round of playoffs. The other team was really snarky, too. They yelled at each other a lot and were really anal about the points. I look forward to playing even more competitively in the fall, since I have decided, officially, to stay in Chi-town for another year. What better way to excercise? Also, I am pondering quitting smoking next week or so, except it makes me REALLY crabby so I will have to assess the feasibility of quitting when I am already annoyed at certain other things on a daily basis....like maybe I should wait to quit when I have my own apartment/sanctuary? New job? Am I making excuses? The point is I am thinking about it....

Nonsense

This is me talking nonsense. Nonsensenonsensenonsensenonsensenonsensenonsense....the word has no meaning for me now.

My roommate and I had THE TALK. Or rather, I finally caved in and told her what I thought about the way she treated me. She was receptive and I was relieved. Then yesterday she told me she decided to turn down the job offer (more than 30 thou she would have made) because she had a gut feeling. She has been unemployed for three months. She is there all the time. When I get home from my nine hour day at work, she is there on the couch, or in the kitchen, or baby-talking my cat. I just want some alone time, or better, time with a person I can tell my day to, unwind to, confide to--but when I do this with her she usually gets angry. And I have been supporting her ass in more ways than one for longer than that. I can't afford financially to take care of her and mentally I am just done. I knew when I asked her to move in that there would be problems, I never imagined it would come to this. Ok, I didn't really want to talk about this when I started typing. My home is NOT my sanctuary. That is all, I look forward to when it is. GRIPEgripegripegripegripegripe.

I guess the reason I even started to talk about this is because I realized it has been entirely too long since my last impromptu dance party at home. I didn't realize it was such a needed release until it stopped happening. I don't mind dancing in public (I think I am doing that tomorrow) but I really let go and get down at home sometimes with certain good friends, sometimes alone (but let's face it, I'm self-conscious in public) But ever since the roomie has been stuck at home broke and depressed it hasn't happened. Sometimes she won't even leave the house for like, 4 days.....

It just feels wierd to let go and get all jubilee when there is a doom and gloom person in the next room who could walk out at any time and so pointedly not look at you that her "lack of gaze" is like a big huge spotlight of reproach. She seems so uncomfortable at my carefreeness and then I feel like I shouldn't be all displaying it...I desperately need a release. And it's a strange concept to me that someone could exist in this world and in my space and that I would not be friends with, enjoying their company and what not, because I am pretty good at finding common ground if I need to, and bonding for the moment. And here I am in my own home, in all it's intimacy, and I feel so alienated and uncomfortable. That's all I'm saying.

I'm just saying, that's all, just saying!

Also, I want to talk about some issues I been discussing with me and mine, that to come soon.....or never, we'll see.

CAEEERS AND FEARS

I’ve reached an age in my life where reflection has taken on a multiplicitous ( I think I made this word up, better for meaning than duplicitous) nature. I remember my past self, and I remember remembering my past self, and so on back to the age of 4 or so, (each day a new me emerges, you see) and the reflections and projections I made at each of those times. I have had a good life. A beautiful life and at times a terrible life and I am hyper-aware how each moment has shaped today’s me. Changes are usually subtle and unnoticed except when they are not, like my decision to declare and my college choice, and, thus far, my career choices.

Something I have been increasingly aware of is how the past five years of waiting tables and being in sales has changed how I relate to people and how I think the thoughts in my head. My spiritual self is rearing and snorting in protest at some of those changes, my intellectual self is FASCINATED to see how easily what I thought was ‘core me’ could so easily be changed, so malleable what I thought was stone. It is hard to explain, and certainly I am grateful to the experiences which have nevertheless pushed me well along my way to independent adult-hood and provided much fodder for those best-selling novels I will someday write, but there is in me a way of thinking now, an automaton smile and a knowledge of how to manipulate, ever so subtly, PEOPLE, to get what I want. (Except it is not what I want, but what my bosses all want, more money, more business, more renown, but I need to eat so I do it.)

Here is the conflict, or the irony, though, I have also learned to be more sensitive to other’s feelings and address them “accordingly,” even when I didn’t understand remotely why they might feel that way, only to have these same people shower me with gratitude and unexpected kindness and/or respect. I have learned to remove myself emotionally from situations that may have hurt me in the past in order to ‘get the job done’ effectively. Example: Mr. Man needs 200 t-shirts for a company picnic in 4 days. (standard production is, of course, 7 days) He calls me and from the start begins to verbally abuse me and threaten me with taking his business elsewhere if I don’t give him what he wants yesterday. I used to get scared about that, thinking “what will my boss think if I ‘lose’ this order? And I got flustered and frustrated that the client is putting such a rude pressure on me. NOW I empathize. I think about how his ass is probably grass if he doesn’t get this order completed and he is thinking about his boss as I am thinking about mine. In the past, if someone spoke to me like that I would walk away or give them a piece of my mind.

Now I take a deep breath and smile and tell them I understand how frustrated they must be. I then tell them I will do everything within my power to help them. And you know, sometimes, it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes my company (or, before, the restaurant) would pull some miraculous feat outside of the norm and actually print 200 shirts and have them delivered yesterday, and sometimes my company would not. But even when it did not, my reassurances to the man, or woman, in distress, would calm them down. Afterwards they would thank me profusely and be kind to me ever after. Lots of times they even came back to give my company more business.

Strange how that works, huh? So I am thankful for the lesson. Shower them with kindness….serve with humility….

I decided against being a daily news reporter years ago because of the amount of anger the readers would direct our way when I was a reporter (intern) at the St. Paul Pioneer Press for a few months. But I loved the fast-paced environment, and I loved the challenge of taking an actual event and turning it into a story on paper. I still love that, getting the front page story, coming up with things I thought people should know about and then getting to write about them. But (this is the ultimate motivation behind what I am writing about) I was paralyzed with fear to take on people’s anger. My self-esteem was fragile and it was difficult not to internalize it all. So I quit. And I had a brief stint in the magazine world as well, but when things didn’t work out, I didn’t fight for it. I wasn’t ready. And ironically, these last five years have made me ready! I can face you, anger and hate, I can, and I can be resilient and strong in the face of adversity, and this is exciting news. I mean the world IS an angry place and people I think can place entirely too much importance on trivialities, but I/we still have to live in it and live our lives living in it. No excuse to hide away, you know?

So with all that said, I am not going after the newspaper job. Not yet, maybe not ever. But I am writing (for magazines) and I am no longer afraid to believe I deserve a chance at the career of my choice. Run-on sentences aside, wish me luck in the search!

it's august

and I fear the summer is coming to a close all too quickly. my boss boss is out of town and his brother boss has taken over leadership for a few days and I am reminded again why I don't like being here. He is a micro-managing king and he thinks I am an incompetent louse and treats me as such. He gives my clients away and then claims ignorance that they were mine to begin with and when that doesn't fly (I called him out on that one!), recants and says he 'did it because he knows I have a lot on my plate' and just thought he was helping me out. Mind you, this is the man who was clamouring to have me fired a few short months ago, he condescends and demeans me subtly in his conversation at my cubicle when the debacle was at it's height but when they saw my sales equal and exceeding others in my position, he shut up....now he is back at it again and I feel weary. I think I have to come in to work this weekend but I do not mind because no one will be here and I can work in peace....gotta love the office politics....

analogy

My family and yours
Rougher edges, sharpened image
Smooth and slow into the building
Serenity
You come over my vision
Raucous sound and beat fill my ears
Joyous laughter and
joyous laughter
Subtle recognition
Blinded by the love within
Shall our differences emerge and
Converge
On the spot
Or shall we be like oil and water
At the base of a tree
We are walking down opposite sides of the street
Welcome us into your arms and I will fall with grace
And humility into your arms
And my family will follow into your arms
And we shall all be as onetogether

yikes

I am very nervous about tonight. Excited about the decision, but I have never shared this thing within me with so many people. It has always been a very private experience. Scary! Plus I have stage fright. Hopefully I won't have to give a speech or anything. No idea what to expect.....