Nonsense

This is me talking nonsense. Nonsensenonsensenonsensenonsensenonsensenonsense....the word has no meaning for me now.

My roommate and I had THE TALK. Or rather, I finally caved in and told her what I thought about the way she treated me. She was receptive and I was relieved. Then yesterday she told me she decided to turn down the job offer (more than 30 thou she would have made) because she had a gut feeling. She has been unemployed for three months. She is there all the time. When I get home from my nine hour day at work, she is there on the couch, or in the kitchen, or baby-talking my cat. I just want some alone time, or better, time with a person I can tell my day to, unwind to, confide to--but when I do this with her she usually gets angry. And I have been supporting her ass in more ways than one for longer than that. I can't afford financially to take care of her and mentally I am just done. I knew when I asked her to move in that there would be problems, I never imagined it would come to this. Ok, I didn't really want to talk about this when I started typing. My home is NOT my sanctuary. That is all, I look forward to when it is. GRIPEgripegripegripegripegripe.

I guess the reason I even started to talk about this is because I realized it has been entirely too long since my last impromptu dance party at home. I didn't realize it was such a needed release until it stopped happening. I don't mind dancing in public (I think I am doing that tomorrow) but I really let go and get down at home sometimes with certain good friends, sometimes alone (but let's face it, I'm self-conscious in public) But ever since the roomie has been stuck at home broke and depressed it hasn't happened. Sometimes she won't even leave the house for like, 4 days.....

It just feels wierd to let go and get all jubilee when there is a doom and gloom person in the next room who could walk out at any time and so pointedly not look at you that her "lack of gaze" is like a big huge spotlight of reproach. She seems so uncomfortable at my carefreeness and then I feel like I shouldn't be all displaying it...I desperately need a release. And it's a strange concept to me that someone could exist in this world and in my space and that I would not be friends with, enjoying their company and what not, because I am pretty good at finding common ground if I need to, and bonding for the moment. And here I am in my own home, in all it's intimacy, and I feel so alienated and uncomfortable. That's all I'm saying.

I'm just saying, that's all, just saying!

Also, I want to talk about some issues I been discussing with me and mine, that to come soon.....or never, we'll see.