So even though I just spent the last hour up to my nose in my student loans (something I do not enjoy) and made the perhaps silly decision to NOT pay the full $697 payment I currently owe, I would like to shed the worry and consternation for a moment and mention the glory of the downtown Chicago skyline and the delightfully modern and sleek-ass building I am currently temping in.
With a name that belies it's granduer, let me introduce you to 311 South Wacker. Also known as "Gavin's Favorite Building" this 65-story skyscraper is one of the most notable of its cronies, and on a clear Chicago evening, it's castle-like twinkling turret rivals the starlight and begs observation from many adoring eye. Ok shut up, Leslie. Done and done.
Seriously though, check out the website, the photos don't quite do it justice, but you get an idea. I am personally tickled by the fact that the building, like many downtown, contains several banks of elevators, none of which go to the same floors. Bank one has six elevators that go to floors 1-17. Bank two has six elevators that go to floors 18-35. (I have yet to check if this building has an spooky floor 13 or not) Bank three has six elevators, all of which take you to the 46th floor, otherwise known as the "Sky Lobby." From there you must get off the elevator, walk through the lobby, which looks out over Lake Michigan-it's beautiful, of course, and go to one of two more sets of elevators. The first set of elevators takes you to floors 47-65. The other set takes you to floors 36-45. I work on floor 42.
Think about it. No matter where I am going, to work or from work, I have to go up to go down. Up to go down. I also have to wave a fancy electronic card at significant places in the building to get around. Security personnel is ever so numerous, and unobtrusively friendly, I might add. But the clencher, the raison d'etre, the thing that makes my job that only pays half as much as I used to make pleasant to be at, is the FREE POP MACHINE. The company I am currently working for occupies some 3 to 4 floors in the 311 Wacker building. It also has offices in New York, London, Tokoyo, Los Angeles...you get the idea. And companies like that don't make it's employees feel guilty for consuming 'company' food too quickly. In fact, they do things like install a pop machine with both Pepsi AND Coke products and then they don't make you pay for it. It's unreal. Positively.
In other news, my interview did not get scheduled yet and after trying to pay some bills tonight I am feeling a bit weepy. Hire me already. I'm awesome.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Thursday, December 14, 2006
ouch
My head is stuffed to the brim with thoughts and impressions and it seems that I keep finding myself in this position.....with minutes left to go at the public library before it closes and no actual concrete job searching having happened, just checked emails and thoughts swirling and whirling......
Maybe I can number them:
1. I need a nice job that pays me enough money to pay my bills and my loans and afford internet at home so I no longer have to lug this bug around with me all day...consequently, if I had a job with that kind of money, I would not need to the internet so desperately anyway. Catch 22 that is what that is......
2. It is semiironic that I felt it necessary to use the term 'my brain hurts' because of all the things in it, because my brothers fiance's brain DOES hurt. I just found out about two hours ago that she was hospitalized for blackouts and nausea three days ago and they do not know what is wrong with her. Hopefully nothing so drastic as tumor or cancer but we still do not know, and her insurance lasped and there is the new baby to worry about.....shed exactly two tears so far but like I said, hopefully NOTHING is wrong....
3. Just got an email from a new acquaintance tearing up my resume. Why is it that people who are seemingly knowledgeable and qualified all say COMPLETELY different things about how to do a resume? I am at a loss as to who I should listen too....
4. I have had a few phone interviews with some interesting companies so I pray that I will have 'the job' before long. I have a face-to-face interview on Monday and am wondering if my business suit still fits and if my hair is going to continue to be unruly in the face of my determination to look professional. Down, hair, down! I half think I should borrow money and head to the salon for a wash and blow dry...straight hair just stays down easier..
5. My dreams remain ever so vivid and two (maybe three) nights in a row I have dreamt about the same person. So much so that in these waking moments it is so hard to believe that this person is not in my life AT ALL and I have been feeling a bit like I was dumped. Damn. I even wrote a nice poem about it. I am a 29 year old lovesick teenager all over again. Guys, you know, I could do without all that drama!
6. Children's classes have been such a HUGE blessing this time of year with the job problems and all, I can't tell you how nice it is to go and spend a few hours with such freely loving individuals. That being said, I am still not quite ready to have a couple of my own yet, which is good, cuz....you know, I'm single....and essentially jobless.....and stuff.
7. Speaking of jobless, I have been temping-right now I work in a building just across the street from the Sears Tower and I have been feeling a bit like a fish out of water. Which has only served to emphasize HOW BAD it was at my old job. I keep looking over my shoulder waiting for 'the boss' to sneak up and make sure I am not surfing myspace, or perking my ears for the excessive and bitter backbiting but IT IS NOT HAPPENING.....people just do their jobs here. and they trust me and they say hello and that's it. It is SOOOOOO nice. I am quite paranoid, you see, I got used to the suspicion and disrespect and tiptoe walking of my last job, thought it was quite normal...I guess. I am so glad I am temping to get me out of that old shell before I step into any new career role.
8. I am very hungry.
9. the library closes in 10 minutes.
10. I just figured there should be a number ten. I have more things to ponder of course, like how I need to worko on not becoming complacent in the job search. how to passionately and aggressively pursue the life that I want for myself. How to budget and save. all that good stuff. Things don't just happen but I keep hoping they will.....I want to say I cant believe I am 29 but I want to say that because I am already feeling like where did the time go? no regrets like I forgot I wanted to save the world....but I think it's important to always have purpose and perspective......and I lost a few years of that...oh see I am waxing all philisophical and the library police are ready for me to get my ass on out the the door......ok BYE
Maybe I can number them:
1. I need a nice job that pays me enough money to pay my bills and my loans and afford internet at home so I no longer have to lug this bug around with me all day...consequently, if I had a job with that kind of money, I would not need to the internet so desperately anyway. Catch 22 that is what that is......
2. It is semiironic that I felt it necessary to use the term 'my brain hurts' because of all the things in it, because my brothers fiance's brain DOES hurt. I just found out about two hours ago that she was hospitalized for blackouts and nausea three days ago and they do not know what is wrong with her. Hopefully nothing so drastic as tumor or cancer but we still do not know, and her insurance lasped and there is the new baby to worry about.....shed exactly two tears so far but like I said, hopefully NOTHING is wrong....
3. Just got an email from a new acquaintance tearing up my resume. Why is it that people who are seemingly knowledgeable and qualified all say COMPLETELY different things about how to do a resume? I am at a loss as to who I should listen too....
4. I have had a few phone interviews with some interesting companies so I pray that I will have 'the job' before long. I have a face-to-face interview on Monday and am wondering if my business suit still fits and if my hair is going to continue to be unruly in the face of my determination to look professional. Down, hair, down! I half think I should borrow money and head to the salon for a wash and blow dry...straight hair just stays down easier..
5. My dreams remain ever so vivid and two (maybe three) nights in a row I have dreamt about the same person. So much so that in these waking moments it is so hard to believe that this person is not in my life AT ALL and I have been feeling a bit like I was dumped. Damn. I even wrote a nice poem about it. I am a 29 year old lovesick teenager all over again. Guys, you know, I could do without all that drama!
6. Children's classes have been such a HUGE blessing this time of year with the job problems and all, I can't tell you how nice it is to go and spend a few hours with such freely loving individuals. That being said, I am still not quite ready to have a couple of my own yet, which is good, cuz....you know, I'm single....and essentially jobless.....and stuff.
7. Speaking of jobless, I have been temping-right now I work in a building just across the street from the Sears Tower and I have been feeling a bit like a fish out of water. Which has only served to emphasize HOW BAD it was at my old job. I keep looking over my shoulder waiting for 'the boss' to sneak up and make sure I am not surfing myspace, or perking my ears for the excessive and bitter backbiting but IT IS NOT HAPPENING.....people just do their jobs here. and they trust me and they say hello and that's it. It is SOOOOOO nice. I am quite paranoid, you see, I got used to the suspicion and disrespect and tiptoe walking of my last job, thought it was quite normal...I guess. I am so glad I am temping to get me out of that old shell before I step into any new career role.
8. I am very hungry.
9. the library closes in 10 minutes.
10. I just figured there should be a number ten. I have more things to ponder of course, like how I need to worko on not becoming complacent in the job search. how to passionately and aggressively pursue the life that I want for myself. How to budget and save. all that good stuff. Things don't just happen but I keep hoping they will.....I want to say I cant believe I am 29 but I want to say that because I am already feeling like where did the time go? no regrets like I forgot I wanted to save the world....but I think it's important to always have purpose and perspective......and I lost a few years of that...oh see I am waxing all philisophical and the library police are ready for me to get my ass on out the the door......ok BYE
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
wacky wacker drive and a confused downtown girl
I have pride. Oh yes. I do and when I realize it I try to nip it in the bud. Like I used to consider myself quite the city girl-knew my way around, that's what. me and the loop, we was good friends, I used to tell myself. when I got up from underground I always knew which way was which and all that. but seriously, I haven't worked in the loop or spent any significant time there since well before 9/11. and that was what, 5 years ago? I used to love to tell people how to get places. I didn't quite realize it but these last 5 or 6 years have done nothing to that pride, not diminished it, eradicated it, quelled it in anyway, not like these last few weeks have. radically eliminated it. I am humbled before God once again!
I am now entering the world of temping (sexy buildings will probably be my next post, buildings ARE sexy, you know) and have been to the loop more times in the last two weeks than I have been anywhere else. I have been courting temp agencies and over the last few days have developed a nice phone relationship with a certain jennifer, who has been working hard to get me employed. I like her. she wants to get me money. so when she called me with my first job offer (1 day assignment but job nonetheless) I wanted to impress her.
I left my house with time to spare and headed out to the given address....70 S. Wacker. I got off the train with ten minutes and two blocks to walk....and I walked....and Wacker in all it's river glory revealed itself to me. 100 E. Wacker. WHA-? So I walked a ways down and came to W wacker drive. Shiznit, I was just at 1 W. wacker for another temp interview last week, am I mad? Time was running out so I decided I must have written the wrong address down. Called Jennifer, shame in my voice. She wasn't answering. So I walked back to the train line, to where 70 S. was and even decided a building was 'it' and signed in and went through security and presented myself for work on the 24th floor at the complete wrong company. I went back to the street and paced back and forth. 2pm had come and gone. My cell rings (thank goodness for cells) and Jennifer reaffirms.....70 S. Wacker. She tells me to walk south (or west, can't remember now) on Wells and I will come to it but I am on Wells and Wacker (E. wacker) so her words are nonsensical, but I can't tell her that because I am trying to seem amiable and smart. I assure her that I can make it there. I hang up.
I walk back to E. Wacker. I stop a woman and ask her about the S. Wacker thing. She points in a direction that makes more sense than walking down Wells. I start walking. And walking-and the curve she mentions does indeed present itself. I make it to my first assignment, a glorious half an hour late.
So...the moral of the story is Wacker has both a N S E and W! I will never make that mistake again-which is good because then I would maybe need to get my brain checked.
Here I come city, better watch out!
I am now entering the world of temping (sexy buildings will probably be my next post, buildings ARE sexy, you know) and have been to the loop more times in the last two weeks than I have been anywhere else. I have been courting temp agencies and over the last few days have developed a nice phone relationship with a certain jennifer, who has been working hard to get me employed. I like her. she wants to get me money. so when she called me with my first job offer (1 day assignment but job nonetheless) I wanted to impress her.
I left my house with time to spare and headed out to the given address....70 S. Wacker. I got off the train with ten minutes and two blocks to walk....and I walked....and Wacker in all it's river glory revealed itself to me. 100 E. Wacker. WHA-? So I walked a ways down and came to W wacker drive. Shiznit, I was just at 1 W. wacker for another temp interview last week, am I mad? Time was running out so I decided I must have written the wrong address down. Called Jennifer, shame in my voice. She wasn't answering. So I walked back to the train line, to where 70 S. was and even decided a building was 'it' and signed in and went through security and presented myself for work on the 24th floor at the complete wrong company. I went back to the street and paced back and forth. 2pm had come and gone. My cell rings (thank goodness for cells) and Jennifer reaffirms.....70 S. Wacker. She tells me to walk south (or west, can't remember now) on Wells and I will come to it but I am on Wells and Wacker (E. wacker) so her words are nonsensical, but I can't tell her that because I am trying to seem amiable and smart. I assure her that I can make it there. I hang up.
I walk back to E. Wacker. I stop a woman and ask her about the S. Wacker thing. She points in a direction that makes more sense than walking down Wells. I start walking. And walking-and the curve she mentions does indeed present itself. I make it to my first assignment, a glorious half an hour late.
So...the moral of the story is Wacker has both a N S E and W! I will never make that mistake again-which is good because then I would maybe need to get my brain checked.
Here I come city, better watch out!
Monday, November 27, 2006
things about being unemployed....
1. you go through toilet paper a lot faster because you are home for many more hours in the day
2. dishes pile up faster because ALL three meals are now eaten at home
3. people divide into two categories-the ones who've had crap happen to them and the ones who haven't. the ones who have are appropriately sympathetic and generally say the right thing. the ones who haven't look at you with suspicion as though you deserved to get fired. those people suck.
4. you sleep a whole lot more-and not necessarily because you need to
5. you remember that daytime television is exceedingly boring
6. certain of your friends fail the support test of friendship. some pass with flying colors.
7. your apartment becomes cleaner than ever, and then dirtier than ever with a rapidity you never thought possible.
8. old movies are watched over again and you realize you still know all the words
9. blogs are redesigned
10. you begin to dream about making money and working.
2. dishes pile up faster because ALL three meals are now eaten at home
3. people divide into two categories-the ones who've had crap happen to them and the ones who haven't. the ones who have are appropriately sympathetic and generally say the right thing. the ones who haven't look at you with suspicion as though you deserved to get fired. those people suck.
4. you sleep a whole lot more-and not necessarily because you need to
5. you remember that daytime television is exceedingly boring
6. certain of your friends fail the support test of friendship. some pass with flying colors.
7. your apartment becomes cleaner than ever, and then dirtier than ever with a rapidity you never thought possible.
8. old movies are watched over again and you realize you still know all the words
9. blogs are redesigned
10. you begin to dream about making money and working.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Fergie, the early years
Turns out most recent addition to the BEP group was in fact, the long ago long time member and performer from K.I.D.S INC., by far one of my most favorite and obsessively watched tv shows when I was.....a kid. She was none other than STACY FERGUSON, the blonde curly and perky haired dancing and singing sensation-performing with many other cast members, recognizable ones? Martika? Love Hewitt, aka Jennifer Love Hewitt, she went by her true first name then, Love, yes Love.
The song still plays in my head....Kids incorporated.....K! I! D! S! yeah, Kids Incorporated........K! I! D! S!......looks like we've made it, we're Kids incorporated.......YEAH~!
Ok, that show....and Mickey Mouse Club....those were my early teen faves.....yeah.
The song still plays in my head....Kids incorporated.....K! I! D! S! yeah, Kids Incorporated........K! I! D! S!......looks like we've made it, we're Kids incorporated.......YEAH~!
Ok, that show....and Mickey Mouse Club....those were my early teen faves.....yeah.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
here we are
today is the one year anniversary of molly's death. she and i used to be connected at the hip-i have been thinking about it a lot these last few days, especially since i got fired last friday. i am not....miserable...despite the desire to despair. (bam) i am actually three things: tired, reflective and hopefully pleasant. i will be 29 at the end of the month and i just feel this may be a pivotal year for me. which is exciting. i am off to see my friend perform in what promises to be a fantastic performance!
Ciao
Ciao
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Deliberations (or) Bacon-Bringing (or) You're Fired!
So I had an opportunity to ask myself a question that I hoped I would never have to ask myself again, and that is-should I wait tables? (remember the subtitle of this blog is deliberations of a disgruntled waitress, after all) After some 24 hours of deliberation, the answer is a resounding no, but the condition that caused the question in the first place still exists.
I find myself in that position where there is no position. And no savings. And no prospects. And very very little money. And lots of pending bills. What happened? Well.....
Friday, Nov. 4, 2006.
4:45pm.
I was fired.
I was offered three weeks severance for the three loyal years I'd been there. I was offered the "chance" to resign. I was amicably escorted out of the building. My hand was shook. My bags were packed. I said goodbye for the last time to people who didn't realize it was the last time. "See you on Monday!" they said. I smiled but didn't speak....why tell a lie after all?
Now what happened? Nothing in particular, really. My sales were up, my quarterly review was quite good, I had just won two sales contests in a row. But...they never really got over the 'incident' from two years ago. They never felt comfortable around me....how many times did people whisper when I was around....jokingly said things I said were 'too smart' for them. I was always working on improving myself, they said. And that was really strange for them. They kept saying how..impressed....they were with me. I knew the truth. I didn't fit in to their dynamic.
And when they announced the hiring of 5 new sales people and I counted 4 cubicles available, I actually thought to myself, hmmm.....too bad my job search hasn't been going well b/c they could probably use my desk.....I had even met with a headhunter already. Well, didn't they beat me to the punch? That part kind of pisses me off.
But the whole not being there part is, yes, it is great and weird. I never ever minded the job itself. The people and their expectations of me doing the job were something that was SUCKING MY SOUL.
Luckily I have all sorts of wise people giving me advice already and I am busy, very busy trying to beat the money train. My life has taken on a new focus....bacon bringing, if you know what I mean. Certain things are being put on hold for now.....
But back to the waiting tables bit-a kind friend took me out on Saturday and I found myself asking the server if they were hiring. He was really sweet and before I knew it I was promising to bring my resume in but when the meal was over I realized the ship had sailed for me on that bidness.....I could no more wait tables again then I could pick up a sail boat. I just don't have the strength....so until I find my dream job I am putting myself at the mercy of the temp agencies. We shall see how it goes....
Most heard comment this weekend:"This is probably just a blessing in disguise..."
I find myself in that position where there is no position. And no savings. And no prospects. And very very little money. And lots of pending bills. What happened? Well.....
Friday, Nov. 4, 2006.
4:45pm.
I was fired.
I was offered three weeks severance for the three loyal years I'd been there. I was offered the "chance" to resign. I was amicably escorted out of the building. My hand was shook. My bags were packed. I said goodbye for the last time to people who didn't realize it was the last time. "See you on Monday!" they said. I smiled but didn't speak....why tell a lie after all?
Now what happened? Nothing in particular, really. My sales were up, my quarterly review was quite good, I had just won two sales contests in a row. But...they never really got over the 'incident' from two years ago. They never felt comfortable around me....how many times did people whisper when I was around....jokingly said things I said were 'too smart' for them. I was always working on improving myself, they said. And that was really strange for them. They kept saying how..impressed....they were with me. I knew the truth. I didn't fit in to their dynamic.
And when they announced the hiring of 5 new sales people and I counted 4 cubicles available, I actually thought to myself, hmmm.....too bad my job search hasn't been going well b/c they could probably use my desk.....I had even met with a headhunter already. Well, didn't they beat me to the punch? That part kind of pisses me off.
But the whole not being there part is, yes, it is great and weird. I never ever minded the job itself. The people and their expectations of me doing the job were something that was SUCKING MY SOUL.
Luckily I have all sorts of wise people giving me advice already and I am busy, very busy trying to beat the money train. My life has taken on a new focus....bacon bringing, if you know what I mean. Certain things are being put on hold for now.....
But back to the waiting tables bit-a kind friend took me out on Saturday and I found myself asking the server if they were hiring. He was really sweet and before I knew it I was promising to bring my resume in but when the meal was over I realized the ship had sailed for me on that bidness.....I could no more wait tables again then I could pick up a sail boat. I just don't have the strength....so until I find my dream job I am putting myself at the mercy of the temp agencies. We shall see how it goes....
Most heard comment this weekend:"This is probably just a blessing in disguise..."
Thursday, October 26, 2006
in about two weeks or so
here we are again right around my favorite time of year and i have agreed surreptitiously to participate in a poetry thing. don't know what it's called and haven't been officially confirmed but it means i will be getting up in front of people (unprecedented) and speaking words. words that i hope will flow-and move and transform, words as yet unwritten mostly. how did this come about you ask? i recited my one single memorized piece to a lady with power and she liked it. i liked that she liked it and i like to speak it so why haven't i done so in 5 years? don't know, didn't feel the flow i guess. but now i am hoping it will revisit my dry river bed of creativity and rush and gush throughout my mind b/c i think she said i have to have 5-10 mins of stuff and while i am sure i currently have at least 60 mins, only a couple of mins of it is stuff i want strangers to hear.....we shall see, wish me love and luck? let me know if you wanna come.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Monday, October 02, 2006
Dreaming
So I have noticed a new recurring theme in my dreams lately. Over the last few weeks I have been having two different types of dreams with varying elements in them and they have both stayed in my brain/soul/state of being throughout not only entire days but entire weeks-you know when you have a really pervasive/realistic dream and all day you feel like the dream was more real than the reality you are in at the moment?
OK.
Dream theme #1:
Winter/skiing/mountain. I am traveling to the mountain/at the mountain. I am usually with friends (in one dream I was having my wedding at a ski resort) I am NOT cold. I am skiing and having interactions with people from my past mostly, or made-up dream friends and such....I am skiing with confidence through trees. Once again, I am NOT cold. Sometimes there is an element of attempt in there-like, I am attempting to have my wedding but can't quite get to that point yet (sort of like trying to run but only staying in place) but there is no feeling of discord or frustration related to the stagnation of the attempt...like we are all waiting for tomorrow but it doesn't come.
So I looked up some elements on DREAMMOODS.com:
Winter
To dream of winter, signifies ill-health, depression. and misfortune. For others, it may symbolize a favorite time of the year signaling the holiday season of fun and frolic.
Woods
To see the woods in your dream, represents life, fertility, rejuvenation, and spring. Alternatively, it symbolizes the unknown and unconscious. You may be discovering your instinctual nature.
To dream that you are walking through the woods, signifies your return to an aspect of yourself that is innocent and spiritual.
To dream that you are lost in the woods, indicates that you are starting a new phase in your life. You are expressing some anxiety about leaving behind the familiar and what you know.
To see dried up, dying woods in your dream, suggests that there is a situation in your life that has not yet been resolved. You may also be overwhelmed with a problem or issue.
Skiing
To dream that you are skiing, suggests that you are pushing yourself and putting your mental and/or physical ability to the test. You are your own fiercest competitor.
Wedding
To see a wedding in your dream, symbolizes a new beginning or transition in your current life. Dreams involving weddings are generally negative and highlight some anxiety or fear. It often refers to feelings of bitterness, sorrow, or death. Alternatively, wedding dreams reflect your issues about commitment and independence.
To dream that you are getting married to your current spouse again, represents your wedded bliss and happiness. It highlights your strong commitment to each other. It may also signify a new phase (such as parenthood) that you are entering in your life.
To dream that you are planning your own wedding to someone you never met, is a metaphor symbolizing the union of your masculine and feminine side. It represents a transitional phase where you are seeking some sort of balance between your aggressive side and emotional side.
If you are getting married and have dreams of your pending wedding, then it highlights the stress of organizing a wedding. Conflicts over wedding details, tension with family and in-laws, fear of commitment, and loss of independence may all cause wedding anxiety dreams. Research has shown that up to 40% of brides and grooms have dreams about their ceremony and things going perfectly. * See The Meaning In Action:
From this what makes sense is that my masculine and feminine side are becoming more balanced, I have taken on more responsibility in both my work and personal life and I have been pushing myself beyond my thus far known abilities-it has been overwhelming but not necessarily in a bad way-though I do feel like I need a vacation! The first three paragraphs on woods could ALL be true.....the winter thing-well I am not depressed in the slightest and fall does happen to be my favorite part of the year-fall into winter (even though I am not a fan of winter) I just love the things that happen starting end of October through Jan 1st......including my birthday and Thanksgiving, adoption anniversary and Halloween....
Dream theme #2:
My other recurring theme in my dreams is that of a VAST VAST basement- something usually small, vulnerable and valuable falls into this basement through a crack in the floor. In the first dream it was my cat, Addy, and the second time it was my co-workers brand new baby niece....and then the dream becomes this incredible journey (with ghosts and monsters, but usually not too scary) to FIND how to get down to this VAST basement and then, once said basement entryway is found, another journey ensues to find the missing loved one.....so I looked up:
Basement
To dream that you are in a basement, symbolizes your unconscious mind and intuition. The appearance of the basement is an indication of your unconscious state of mind and level of satisfaction.
To dream that the basement is in disarray and messy, signifies some confusion in which you need to sort out. It may also represent your perceived faults and shortcomings.
And I thought about it, and it's not so much that my basements are cluttered but that they are vast and maze-like.....with things changing constantly in them.....now does the vastness have to do with my satisfaction? I doubt it.....now I looked up cat and baby and neither of those seemed right and I will not paste them here BUT I did check lost and find and they seem to have something that makes more sense:
Lost
To dream that you are lost, suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be feeling worried and insecure about the path you are taking in life. Alternatively, you may be trying to adjust and get accustomed to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing.
To dream that someone else is lost, represents unresolved issues or feelings regarding the person that is lost. Consider also what aspect of that person you may have lost within your own self. Perhaps you need to recapture and re-acknowledge those aspects.
This second is more accurate-I do have unresolved issues with both baby and cat-ironically and incredibly. Working on that one....but then there is find:
Find
To dream that you find something, suggests that you are coming into contact with some aspect of your psyche or unconscious. You are recognizing a part of yourself that was previously repressed or undeveloped. Alternatively, it represents change.
To dream that you find someone, indicates that you are identifying new facets of a relationship. You may be taking the relationship to a new level and/or direction.
To dream that you cannot find a friend, suggests that you have lost or rejected certain qualities in yourself that are depicted by your friend. Alternatively, you may be feeling lonely and are seeking companionship.
Now this seems way more likely for me for several reasons.
Anyway, I still think the VAST basement means something-not just the things I lose in the basement. Hmmm.....I ponder
OK.
Dream theme #1:
Winter/skiing/mountain. I am traveling to the mountain/at the mountain. I am usually with friends (in one dream I was having my wedding at a ski resort) I am NOT cold. I am skiing and having interactions with people from my past mostly, or made-up dream friends and such....I am skiing with confidence through trees. Once again, I am NOT cold. Sometimes there is an element of attempt in there-like, I am attempting to have my wedding but can't quite get to that point yet (sort of like trying to run but only staying in place) but there is no feeling of discord or frustration related to the stagnation of the attempt...like we are all waiting for tomorrow but it doesn't come.
So I looked up some elements on DREAMMOODS.com:
Winter
To dream of winter, signifies ill-health, depression. and misfortune. For others, it may symbolize a favorite time of the year signaling the holiday season of fun and frolic.
Woods
To see the woods in your dream, represents life, fertility, rejuvenation, and spring. Alternatively, it symbolizes the unknown and unconscious. You may be discovering your instinctual nature.
To dream that you are walking through the woods, signifies your return to an aspect of yourself that is innocent and spiritual.
To dream that you are lost in the woods, indicates that you are starting a new phase in your life. You are expressing some anxiety about leaving behind the familiar and what you know.
To see dried up, dying woods in your dream, suggests that there is a situation in your life that has not yet been resolved. You may also be overwhelmed with a problem or issue.
Skiing
To dream that you are skiing, suggests that you are pushing yourself and putting your mental and/or physical ability to the test. You are your own fiercest competitor.
Wedding
To see a wedding in your dream, symbolizes a new beginning or transition in your current life. Dreams involving weddings are generally negative and highlight some anxiety or fear. It often refers to feelings of bitterness, sorrow, or death. Alternatively, wedding dreams reflect your issues about commitment and independence.
To dream that you are getting married to your current spouse again, represents your wedded bliss and happiness. It highlights your strong commitment to each other. It may also signify a new phase (such as parenthood) that you are entering in your life.
To dream that you are planning your own wedding to someone you never met, is a metaphor symbolizing the union of your masculine and feminine side. It represents a transitional phase where you are seeking some sort of balance between your aggressive side and emotional side.
If you are getting married and have dreams of your pending wedding, then it highlights the stress of organizing a wedding. Conflicts over wedding details, tension with family and in-laws, fear of commitment, and loss of independence may all cause wedding anxiety dreams. Research has shown that up to 40% of brides and grooms have dreams about their ceremony and things going perfectly. * See The Meaning In Action:
From this what makes sense is that my masculine and feminine side are becoming more balanced, I have taken on more responsibility in both my work and personal life and I have been pushing myself beyond my thus far known abilities-it has been overwhelming but not necessarily in a bad way-though I do feel like I need a vacation! The first three paragraphs on woods could ALL be true.....the winter thing-well I am not depressed in the slightest and fall does happen to be my favorite part of the year-fall into winter (even though I am not a fan of winter) I just love the things that happen starting end of October through Jan 1st......including my birthday and Thanksgiving, adoption anniversary and Halloween....
Dream theme #2:
My other recurring theme in my dreams is that of a VAST VAST basement- something usually small, vulnerable and valuable falls into this basement through a crack in the floor. In the first dream it was my cat, Addy, and the second time it was my co-workers brand new baby niece....and then the dream becomes this incredible journey (with ghosts and monsters, but usually not too scary) to FIND how to get down to this VAST basement and then, once said basement entryway is found, another journey ensues to find the missing loved one.....so I looked up:
Basement
To dream that you are in a basement, symbolizes your unconscious mind and intuition. The appearance of the basement is an indication of your unconscious state of mind and level of satisfaction.
To dream that the basement is in disarray and messy, signifies some confusion in which you need to sort out. It may also represent your perceived faults and shortcomings.
And I thought about it, and it's not so much that my basements are cluttered but that they are vast and maze-like.....with things changing constantly in them.....now does the vastness have to do with my satisfaction? I doubt it.....now I looked up cat and baby and neither of those seemed right and I will not paste them here BUT I did check lost and find and they seem to have something that makes more sense:
Lost
To dream that you are lost, suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be feeling worried and insecure about the path you are taking in life. Alternatively, you may be trying to adjust and get accustomed to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing.
To dream that someone else is lost, represents unresolved issues or feelings regarding the person that is lost. Consider also what aspect of that person you may have lost within your own self. Perhaps you need to recapture and re-acknowledge those aspects.
This second is more accurate-I do have unresolved issues with both baby and cat-ironically and incredibly. Working on that one....but then there is find:
Find
To dream that you find something, suggests that you are coming into contact with some aspect of your psyche or unconscious. You are recognizing a part of yourself that was previously repressed or undeveloped. Alternatively, it represents change.
To dream that you find someone, indicates that you are identifying new facets of a relationship. You may be taking the relationship to a new level and/or direction.
To dream that you cannot find a friend, suggests that you have lost or rejected certain qualities in yourself that are depicted by your friend. Alternatively, you may be feeling lonely and are seeking companionship.
Now this seems way more likely for me for several reasons.
Anyway, I still think the VAST basement means something-not just the things I lose in the basement. Hmmm.....I ponder
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Turkey Dogs and Smoked String Cheese
Far be it from me to assume that I know things. Really. I mean, there are a lot of things I don’t know. A lot. I don’t know anyone named Sally, for example. Nor do I know how to do most kinds of math. But really my point is-sometimes I am surprised at the things I don’t know.
My question for you, of course, is did YOU know that smoked string cheese and turkey dogs are not available in Chicago? For a long time I just attributed the absence of such products to my own haphazard way of grocery shopping. I just didn’t look hard enough or long enough. Then, for awhile, I just assumed that turkey dogs and smoked string cheese as I knew it did not exist, that they were, in fact, figments of my over-active imagination.
But not too long ago I was in Wisconsin at a grocery store with some delightful friends of mine and what do I see in front of my face but TURKEY DOGS. All turkey. Not this hybrid mix you get in Chicago-turkey chicken and beef. I mean, I tell you, I really thought I was just delusional. But then I went home to MN this weekend and what does my mother have in the fridge but both smoked string cheese AND turkey dogs.
Have you had smoked string cheese? It’s savory. It’s delicious. I long for it. This weekend I had four pieces. Yum.
Then I came back here and went to the grocery stores. And looked. And looked, and looked some more. I am a bit chagrined by this. I am considering a move away from this lacking city.
My question for you, of course, is did YOU know that smoked string cheese and turkey dogs are not available in Chicago? For a long time I just attributed the absence of such products to my own haphazard way of grocery shopping. I just didn’t look hard enough or long enough. Then, for awhile, I just assumed that turkey dogs and smoked string cheese as I knew it did not exist, that they were, in fact, figments of my over-active imagination.
But not too long ago I was in Wisconsin at a grocery store with some delightful friends of mine and what do I see in front of my face but TURKEY DOGS. All turkey. Not this hybrid mix you get in Chicago-turkey chicken and beef. I mean, I tell you, I really thought I was just delusional. But then I went home to MN this weekend and what does my mother have in the fridge but both smoked string cheese AND turkey dogs.
Have you had smoked string cheese? It’s savory. It’s delicious. I long for it. This weekend I had four pieces. Yum.
Then I came back here and went to the grocery stores. And looked. And looked, and looked some more. I am a bit chagrined by this. I am considering a move away from this lacking city.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
the blog entry to end all blog entries...
Well, ok, not really because I have to be back at work in like, ten minutes and though I am a fast typer, I am not a fast thinker.....but I just feel as though it has been far too long and infrequent between posts.
I just want to say, I have been a BAHA'I for just over a year now. I am still a 'baby' if you will, but upon reflecion..........I still love it. Is that any surprise, now really? I LOVE IT I LOVE MYSELF AND I LOVE EVERYBODY (most of the time, I am still human, you know)
Anyway, I finally got to go camping, albeit in not as nature-y place as I would have hoped but with some fantastically enjoyable individuals and delightful Wisconsin-esque charm nonetheless......I have danced this summer, beached this summer and watched a whole heck of a lot of Roswell with one of my very best friends this summer. I am about to go to the GREEN LAKE CONFERENCE-again, not as nature-y as I would like, but with fantastically enjoyable individuals and mind-blowing thought food and action food to dine on.....
My job has become inexplicably tolerable, well, it is explicable but I just wanted to use the word inexplicably.....anyhoo. I have so much more to say. Like cans. and elephants. and jumping rope. cans.
BUT I JUST DON'T HAVE TIME.
nor brain power.....back back back to work.
I just want to say, I have been a BAHA'I for just over a year now. I am still a 'baby' if you will, but upon reflecion..........I still love it. Is that any surprise, now really? I LOVE IT I LOVE MYSELF AND I LOVE EVERYBODY (most of the time, I am still human, you know)
Anyway, I finally got to go camping, albeit in not as nature-y place as I would have hoped but with some fantastically enjoyable individuals and delightful Wisconsin-esque charm nonetheless......I have danced this summer, beached this summer and watched a whole heck of a lot of Roswell with one of my very best friends this summer. I am about to go to the GREEN LAKE CONFERENCE-again, not as nature-y as I would like, but with fantastically enjoyable individuals and mind-blowing thought food and action food to dine on.....
My job has become inexplicably tolerable, well, it is explicable but I just wanted to use the word inexplicably.....anyhoo. I have so much more to say. Like cans. and elephants. and jumping rope. cans.
BUT I JUST DON'T HAVE TIME.
nor brain power.....back back back to work.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
who dat?
so I went to see spiritual healer Julie Walker on Monday. she said some things. potentially life altering. i've been marinading on it and my thoughts have already begun to change, a lot of what she said i knew or suspected in my heart and she just confirmed it. other things did indeed shock my socks off. like, for example......drum roll please.....i have good business sense! i SHOULD BE IN SALES AND MARKETING. wha??????
no way. (emphasis on WWHUU-ay)but the most important thing she said-as soon as i walked into the room, pratically, was that i was in transition (i knew that, duh) but that in life you can't just keep saying "i'm in transition." you have to actually make the transition. so here i go, making transitions....pretty soon you won't recognize me. i might turn into a man or something. with blue hair and a nose ring, yeah....
no way. (emphasis on WWHUU-ay)but the most important thing she said-as soon as i walked into the room, pratically, was that i was in transition (i knew that, duh) but that in life you can't just keep saying "i'm in transition." you have to actually make the transition. so here i go, making transitions....pretty soon you won't recognize me. i might turn into a man or something. with blue hair and a nose ring, yeah....
Thursday, June 22, 2006
UGH!
Each day of this week has crawled crawled crawled slower than a slug on a drug....maybe it's because one of my mostest favoritest peoples in the world is crashing at my pad and at home having fun while I rot here. Maybe it's because after two and half years I have mastered the art that is my job and my daily tasks (which I have mastered) now take two seconds instead of all day. Maybe it's because typically July (around the corner) is the slowest month of the year for the promo products industry. But all I know is this morning I did a bunch of stuff, went to print my tickle report (which, when I am committed, takes only two hours of an 8 hour day to go through) looked at the clock and expected it to be close to lunch time but instead it was close to 9am. Yes folks, 9am with two hours of real work to do. Crap.
So I pulled out my client list--I have about 200 or so clients that by the end of the day I will need to get rid off. I am more than halfway through that list, double-checking it. It may take another 20 minutes or even 30 to get through the other half. Then I might drink some water. Enough so I have to go to the bathroom, which takes up another few minutes. For real though, it's about dedication-I have to MAKE THE SALE so in all honesty if I don't have a chore, I make one. Call a client, woo a client, close a deal--I have a list of like, 700 total clients or more that I have to tweak. Constantly tweak. Our 6 month purge is coming up, hence the getting rid of some of them, I need to be at 400 (magic number). I am taking some co-workers to lunch because I decided I need to bond with them. I suggested a place awaysaway so that might take a few extra minutes too. Also, I might get sick tomorrow. Not sure though, I have to weigh the options of using a sick day over coming in to an excruciatingly slow day.......
Later I will start on my other list of clients, all 600 of them, and make sure I don't want to get rid off them. This will take me a couple of days, which is good, because, like I said before, I have a lot of time on my hands. Making money for toys and oatmeal.
I just left an enticing message for an M SHEA at (very popular magazine, name hidden to protect something). Yep, gotta inspire these people to call me back and give me money-I told her about the new polycarb bottle that came in yesterday! Yesterday! It holds a mini iPod or a set of keys. Who wouldn't want that? Shoot, I do. Only a few minutes have passed. Back to my tickles!
I feel like I live in a strange time warp. Time moves really slowly because my senses are heightened and with the harmony of all my senses working together minutes are like hours.
Which is interesting because lately I do feel that my spiritual self has catapulted forward in leaps and bounds and I love my life outside of work enormously! But here it is the dregs of existence. Just a dull gray color really.
So I pulled out my client list--I have about 200 or so clients that by the end of the day I will need to get rid off. I am more than halfway through that list, double-checking it. It may take another 20 minutes or even 30 to get through the other half. Then I might drink some water. Enough so I have to go to the bathroom, which takes up another few minutes. For real though, it's about dedication-I have to MAKE THE SALE so in all honesty if I don't have a chore, I make one. Call a client, woo a client, close a deal--I have a list of like, 700 total clients or more that I have to tweak. Constantly tweak. Our 6 month purge is coming up, hence the getting rid of some of them, I need to be at 400 (magic number). I am taking some co-workers to lunch because I decided I need to bond with them. I suggested a place awaysaway so that might take a few extra minutes too. Also, I might get sick tomorrow. Not sure though, I have to weigh the options of using a sick day over coming in to an excruciatingly slow day.......
Later I will start on my other list of clients, all 600 of them, and make sure I don't want to get rid off them. This will take me a couple of days, which is good, because, like I said before, I have a lot of time on my hands. Making money for toys and oatmeal.
I just left an enticing message for an M SHEA at (very popular magazine, name hidden to protect something). Yep, gotta inspire these people to call me back and give me money-I told her about the new polycarb bottle that came in yesterday! Yesterday! It holds a mini iPod or a set of keys. Who wouldn't want that? Shoot, I do. Only a few minutes have passed. Back to my tickles!
I feel like I live in a strange time warp. Time moves really slowly because my senses are heightened and with the harmony of all my senses working together minutes are like hours.
Which is interesting because lately I do feel that my spiritual self has catapulted forward in leaps and bounds and I love my life outside of work enormously! But here it is the dregs of existence. Just a dull gray color really.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
bugs
i been in texas for less than 8 hours and i got like-6 bugbites. but i'm not complaining for the people here are fantabulous. abi jenny tyler and keaton. the doll.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
brevity
Mayfest has been aptly re-named BEER DAYS by the Malos. I saw a lot of people in Leiderhosen (is that how you spell it?) I also saw a lot of beer-in little mugs and big mugs, and DOGS. My neighborhood officially wins the "MOST NUMBER OF UNIQUE DOGS" contest in the city of Chicago. They were fabulous.
Friday, June 02, 2006
In the hood....
I was rather pleased when I got to the Western Brown Line stop yesterday morning to note the newly installed Port-o-Potties....."Someone has finally recognized the fact that people need to pee before they get home!" I thought.....no more uncomfortable walks......wanting to hold myself with the abandon of a child....no more cursing the light that turned red just as you got to it, no more counting each step in my head...praying that the 5 block walk home would somehow magically turn into a one block walk, no more having to pre-plan and pee before I leave the study circle/party/restaurant/job/doctor's app/seance/hypnotist.....thank goodness, you know? Someone's looking out.
And then this morning when I arrive at the Western Brown Line, more has been added-orange cones and the like-because they have closed off that part of Lincoln Ave, and contrary to what I originally thought, the Potties are there for the Annual MAYFEST, which starts tonight. Which, you know, a place to pee at the train station woulda been nice, (although admittedly--maybe a more permanent installation rather than a nasty POPottie) but I am ACTUALLY more excited for the MAYFEST. The first of many of my neighborhood's summer street festivals and I can't tell you how cool it will be to walk around my neighborhood this summer. Picture me jumping up and down in delight. Clapping my hands like a little girl. My inner child is surfacing. May demand to be out all summer-jumping up and down, squirming when she has to pee-that kind of stuff. I might scare you. Don't worry, it's just my inner child. She's mostly harmless. And she enjoys dancing.
Woot.
And then this morning when I arrive at the Western Brown Line, more has been added-orange cones and the like-because they have closed off that part of Lincoln Ave, and contrary to what I originally thought, the Potties are there for the Annual MAYFEST, which starts tonight. Which, you know, a place to pee at the train station woulda been nice, (although admittedly--maybe a more permanent installation rather than a nasty POPottie) but I am ACTUALLY more excited for the MAYFEST. The first of many of my neighborhood's summer street festivals and I can't tell you how cool it will be to walk around my neighborhood this summer. Picture me jumping up and down in delight. Clapping my hands like a little girl. My inner child is surfacing. May demand to be out all summer-jumping up and down, squirming when she has to pee-that kind of stuff. I might scare you. Don't worry, it's just my inner child. She's mostly harmless. And she enjoys dancing.
Woot.
Monday, May 29, 2006
hot
It continues to be a most fantastic weekend-or week, really, starting with Wednesday night and going until I get to play beach vball tomorrow! Reunion with college buddies Friday night-man we are getting up there-but we had a blast until 4am-Saturday day was real cool-went to lunch with a new friend and then we visited Corrine True's grave and went to the DuSable. Then, at night-I saw a very close friend and former roommate from a couple of years ago perform with her girlfriend-her voice is seriously one of the most amazing things on this earth and she is one of the best writers I know. So this was their debut-an electric and acoustic guitar-and the songs they wrote-fricking awesome. Then-the band trichotic played-last night in Chicago because all the members are moving to LA-BUT BUT BUT-accordian, violin, and drums? Words can't describe how chilling and beautiful and rockin' it was.....Then last night I hung out with three, yes three itty bitty babies and three munchkins and some family. Desi, the two year old, decided I was likeable and gave me lots of butterfly kisses and kept insisting I hold her or play the monster game with her. Now I am off to my second bbq of the weekend. Love the sunshine, love the people in my life. Yah.
ps-do i really have to go to work tomorrow?
ps-do i really have to go to work tomorrow?
Monday, May 22, 2006
Coming Home
So I have just returned from Minnesota for my sister's graduation. It was my first time home since my parents announced that they were getting a divorce. In the weeks since their announcement there has been some drama, mostly trauma experienced by all involved. The trip home was....good, but some of it was not good. Yesterday I feel like I almost set off a bomb...and there was a span of minutes where I thought I was going to have to be involved in something that would be irreparable. It was just plain shitty. It's fine of course, but there is something heartbreaking about trying to go about your daily life when the people around you are falling apart. And it's hard not to want to be totally selfish about what you want-I don't know if I have the emotional strength to go home for Christmas. As can be expected, all my four siblings are reacting differently and my youngest brother's bitter sarcasm and unaffectedness is sharp and agonizing.
There is something, too, about being home, a mixture of fondness and anxiety, that I always feel when crossing the St. Croix bridge...there was a lotta crap that I experienced there as a child and going home I fear my past will overtake me-it haunts me, certainly. I always leave feeling like I just dodged a bullet. But I suspect if I did move back there, I could create new memories that squash the old ones, but I am not so sure. Last night I started dialing my friends, hoping someone would answer that could talk me through things in general, after a few calls, I finally spoke with someone for an hour who made me feel better-THANK YOU, you know who you are-I am so glad you were home. It meant a lot to me-you are so awesome you don't even know.
In other news, I took the MEGABUS. I love the MEGABUS. Got me there and back for $23.50. HOORAY for cheapness. And the bus was empty, and I read a good book and watched some good shows on my laptop. That was nice and relaxing. And speaking of money, I don't really have any. I keep not being able to pay bills on time because the lack of money-I determined this week that I need about $600 to magically fall into my lap in order for me to catch up....and when I got home this evening, I had a letter from the IRS.....uh oh, you say, but no! It was a letter informing me that instead of the measly $74 tax refund I thought I was getting, I am actually getting $791!!!!!Yes, thank GOD. Answered a prayer I hadn't even uttered yet. I knew it was whack when I did my calculations but I did my calculations like ten times and kept coming up with the same measly $74.......Of course, the next few weeks will still be a bit hard until I actually get that check, but still.
There is something, too, about being home, a mixture of fondness and anxiety, that I always feel when crossing the St. Croix bridge...there was a lotta crap that I experienced there as a child and going home I fear my past will overtake me-it haunts me, certainly. I always leave feeling like I just dodged a bullet. But I suspect if I did move back there, I could create new memories that squash the old ones, but I am not so sure. Last night I started dialing my friends, hoping someone would answer that could talk me through things in general, after a few calls, I finally spoke with someone for an hour who made me feel better-THANK YOU, you know who you are-I am so glad you were home. It meant a lot to me-you are so awesome you don't even know.
In other news, I took the MEGABUS. I love the MEGABUS. Got me there and back for $23.50. HOORAY for cheapness. And the bus was empty, and I read a good book and watched some good shows on my laptop. That was nice and relaxing. And speaking of money, I don't really have any. I keep not being able to pay bills on time because the lack of money-I determined this week that I need about $600 to magically fall into my lap in order for me to catch up....and when I got home this evening, I had a letter from the IRS.....uh oh, you say, but no! It was a letter informing me that instead of the measly $74 tax refund I thought I was getting, I am actually getting $791!!!!!Yes, thank GOD. Answered a prayer I hadn't even uttered yet. I knew it was whack when I did my calculations but I did my calculations like ten times and kept coming up with the same measly $74.......Of course, the next few weeks will still be a bit hard until I actually get that check, but still.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
the nature of grief
We played a game the other night and it reminded me of you, the way you died and I longed to hear your voice. I had wanted you to be my friend more at the end and you were in the best way you could. It hurt me to need you so much but I know how much you loved me. I wanted you to get well but I guess it wasn't in the cards. I miss you so much sometimes but it's a strange ache because I felt such a void when you were here. You were a void really, an empty space where emotions went to get lost. But at one point being with you was home. It was comfortable-it was a piece of me that no longer has a place to go. Did you think I would miss you? Did you think I would cry but not too much? Did you think that my pain and everyone else's would somehow be less than your was? Did you know we'd be angry and relieved and guilty and grieved? At the end tears visited your face more often than kisses, and sorrow was at the surface of your demeanor. Your brilliant mind brilliantly took you through the madness to find this deadly solution to your problem. I knew I couldn't help you and you knew it too so you pushed me away. Each call those last few months pacified me. Suicide-and your attraction to it, was the furthest from my mind. So when I got that call I was.....stupefied.
But why couldn't we have had
one last hug
one last laugh
one last conversation
one last good feeling?
Last are never lasts when you think they are.
I find myself searching for our friendship again-in other souls, other conversations. Sometimes I don't even know that I'm looking for it and it's not until days later I realize I can never have just that again, not that way.
It's funny how even when things are going badly you're still surprised when it's over.
Will these memories grow fonder with time or will the end stain them, the memories, a dark blue, so that laughter becomes morose and sad? My parents are getting divorced and my mom says that her past has been re-written. Have you re-written our past? Maybe just a little, and I may have to edit your part, just a little so that the memories are clear as can be somewhere down the line.
But why couldn't we have had
one last hug
one last laugh
one last conversation
one last good feeling?
Last are never lasts when you think they are.
I find myself searching for our friendship again-in other souls, other conversations. Sometimes I don't even know that I'm looking for it and it's not until days later I realize I can never have just that again, not that way.
It's funny how even when things are going badly you're still surprised when it's over.
Will these memories grow fonder with time or will the end stain them, the memories, a dark blue, so that laughter becomes morose and sad? My parents are getting divorced and my mom says that her past has been re-written. Have you re-written our past? Maybe just a little, and I may have to edit your part, just a little so that the memories are clear as can be somewhere down the line.
Friday, May 12, 2006
let's get back to it
So rather than re-read my last post, add to it or expound on it, let me just say bleh. Moving on.....
Gen is in town this weekend. I love her.
She has a baby in her tummy.
I love him.
I am really busy and my cat hates me right now.
I am so going home to eat spaghetti, yum.
Summer is trying to get away from me right now, but I'm not gonna let it.
I feel like going to the Chocolate Factory.
I finally got hit in the face with a volleyball the other day. It bent my glasses out of shape. Funny thing is, it was TOTALLY my fault. I went up to spike the ball and I miscalculated and hit it into the net, then it bounced into my face. Later I got hit in the arm with someone's vicious spike, and I still have a bruise.
I like to think of it as a token of my toughness. I love to play, you know. I am also really competitive. This summer I am going to be playing competitive fours and the truth is we're not ready for it, but what better way to get ready than to throw yourself into it?
Off to the dreary weekend.....
Gen is in town this weekend. I love her.
She has a baby in her tummy.
I love him.
I am really busy and my cat hates me right now.
I am so going home to eat spaghetti, yum.
Summer is trying to get away from me right now, but I'm not gonna let it.
I feel like going to the Chocolate Factory.
I finally got hit in the face with a volleyball the other day. It bent my glasses out of shape. Funny thing is, it was TOTALLY my fault. I went up to spike the ball and I miscalculated and hit it into the net, then it bounced into my face. Later I got hit in the arm with someone's vicious spike, and I still have a bruise.
I like to think of it as a token of my toughness. I love to play, you know. I am also really competitive. This summer I am going to be playing competitive fours and the truth is we're not ready for it, but what better way to get ready than to throw yourself into it?
Off to the dreary weekend.....
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
sooooo.....
I spend all this time away from sufficient access to the internet and the whole time I am thinking, oh I gotta get connected, all these emails I gotta send, things I wanna write, sites I gotta visit and yet here I am-all the access in the world and my mind is blank as a white sheet of paper. Or is it? Is my mind in fact, so muddled and thoughts so numerous that they are merely swirling around so fast, so fast that I can barely see them? I think this may be closer to the truth.
Gotta begin somewhere right? Do I want to be vulnerable? Not really. Do I want to talk about how someone called me fat the other day and while the moment it happened I felt distant and detached now that the moment keeps surging up--hinting that I am not as detached as I wanna be? Why is the weight of an insult so much more than the weight of a compliment? Is it because so many of the people I have been romantically interested in have inevitably fallen for a skinnier woman and not me? Is it because Express clothes no longer fit me? Is it because my last boyfriend used to say the same things a stranger so flippantly muttered as he passed my way? Is it because weight loss commercials dominate the airwaves? I DO think I am beautiful. I really do.
A concerned friend took me aside not too many months ago and told me she was concerned for my well-being. It was because every time I went out with her (to the clubs) I felt miserable and hateful. I told her it was because I felt self-conscious in the semi-ill fitting club clothes I was wearing and the because I couldn't afford to buy 'cuter' clothes. I told her I hated how many guys came up and spoke to her and none of them gave me a second glance, unless it was to ask me about her. But what I also told her was that I didn't find it fulfilling to go out just to have people 'notice' me and ask me out, and have semi-sincere conversations about nothing at all. I didn't find it interesting standing in a bar around people who drink a lot and smoked a lot more. I didn't find it interesting to waste half a months' salary on cab rides and entry fares. But what I hated most of all was I wasn't sure whether it bothered me that people didn't find me intriguing and beautiful or whether I was more bothered by the scene in and of itself. She told me I had a low self-esteem and I told her-but I think I'm hot, and I think I'm pretty damn funny, and I also think I am smart....so what is self-esteem because I esteem myself pretty well. I wish I had more money true, some of the previously mentioned issues would not be issues if I could pay my bills AND have a bit left over...but that is not the issue today.
Dr. Joy Degruy Leary said it well when she said "It's not how I see me, it's not how you see me, it's how I think you see me..." or something like that. Is self-esteem inevitably tied with how we think others are seeing us? How rigidly do we each refuse to believe it when someone says something nice and how much does it matter when as soon as it is spoken the person receiving the compliment immediately brings to mind the nameless void of 'other' humans who think the opposite. "Sure you think I am (pretty/skinny/beautiful/smart/funny/attractive) but EVERYONE ELSE does not." I don't know. I know I am pretty tired of being told I am fat/not cute/ugly or worse-being told I am fuckable. That happens on the street all the time. Two months ago someone asked me to have threesome with him and yelled to the entire bus full of people about my ass......
It's a pretty crappy catch-22 if you ask me.
Common human reaction to the phrase "i'm fat" is generally "no you're not" or "you are beautiful" well, I am. I don't need the people who would normally say it to say it though....I need the world to stop being so obsessed with imposssible images. I need the world to change. I also need to wrap it up. More to say later? I swear I am not as bitter as I sound, I just needed to expound a little bit, you know?
Gotta begin somewhere right? Do I want to be vulnerable? Not really. Do I want to talk about how someone called me fat the other day and while the moment it happened I felt distant and detached now that the moment keeps surging up--hinting that I am not as detached as I wanna be? Why is the weight of an insult so much more than the weight of a compliment? Is it because so many of the people I have been romantically interested in have inevitably fallen for a skinnier woman and not me? Is it because Express clothes no longer fit me? Is it because my last boyfriend used to say the same things a stranger so flippantly muttered as he passed my way? Is it because weight loss commercials dominate the airwaves? I DO think I am beautiful. I really do.
A concerned friend took me aside not too many months ago and told me she was concerned for my well-being. It was because every time I went out with her (to the clubs) I felt miserable and hateful. I told her it was because I felt self-conscious in the semi-ill fitting club clothes I was wearing and the because I couldn't afford to buy 'cuter' clothes. I told her I hated how many guys came up and spoke to her and none of them gave me a second glance, unless it was to ask me about her. But what I also told her was that I didn't find it fulfilling to go out just to have people 'notice' me and ask me out, and have semi-sincere conversations about nothing at all. I didn't find it interesting standing in a bar around people who drink a lot and smoked a lot more. I didn't find it interesting to waste half a months' salary on cab rides and entry fares. But what I hated most of all was I wasn't sure whether it bothered me that people didn't find me intriguing and beautiful or whether I was more bothered by the scene in and of itself. She told me I had a low self-esteem and I told her-but I think I'm hot, and I think I'm pretty damn funny, and I also think I am smart....so what is self-esteem because I esteem myself pretty well. I wish I had more money true, some of the previously mentioned issues would not be issues if I could pay my bills AND have a bit left over...but that is not the issue today.
Dr. Joy Degruy Leary said it well when she said "It's not how I see me, it's not how you see me, it's how I think you see me..." or something like that. Is self-esteem inevitably tied with how we think others are seeing us? How rigidly do we each refuse to believe it when someone says something nice and how much does it matter when as soon as it is spoken the person receiving the compliment immediately brings to mind the nameless void of 'other' humans who think the opposite. "Sure you think I am (pretty/skinny/beautiful/smart/funny/attractive) but EVERYONE ELSE does not." I don't know. I know I am pretty tired of being told I am fat/not cute/ugly or worse-being told I am fuckable. That happens on the street all the time. Two months ago someone asked me to have threesome with him and yelled to the entire bus full of people about my ass......
It's a pretty crappy catch-22 if you ask me.
Common human reaction to the phrase "i'm fat" is generally "no you're not" or "you are beautiful" well, I am. I don't need the people who would normally say it to say it though....I need the world to stop being so obsessed with imposssible images. I need the world to change. I also need to wrap it up. More to say later? I swear I am not as bitter as I sound, I just needed to expound a little bit, you know?
Monday, May 01, 2006
almost there
so i have this suspicion that i am almost there. almost. where? you ask... not sure, just get this sense it's right around the corner. transformations to come. through the trials and tribulations to the triumph....i have this one thing, just one strong residual side effect from a traumatic childhood amplified/magnified/personified by the ensuing events that solidified within me without my permission. i have been asked twice in as many days what i plan to do to get over it. i have identified the setback. it keeps me from pursuing some important things within my power. i am fearful of falling over the edge but the truth is that objects in the mirror are FURTHER than they appear and the edge is just a ways back from where i thought it was. now i have to dissolve the permanence that has become me. i been chipping away at the concrete block but it is time to destroy it. i found the FAITH now I gotta let it carry me through, you see.
pray for me a little, ok?
pray for me a little, ok?
Monday, April 10, 2006
we thought about it
playing hooky, that is....my coworker and i just had lunch and it is so nice outside. when will my summer return to me?
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
my papa
message (i think maybe the first email my dad has EVER sent) reflection:
Hi kids
Tomorrow I turn 53 years old which is a historic time for me as it is not only my golden birthday as I was born in 1953...but I have outlived my own father who died at 52. A lot has occurred in my lifetime. I was born COLORED in the Jim crow segregation era, became a NEGRO by the time I started school, turned BLACK in high school, and became an AFRICAN AMERICAN in college. Of course the only constant name throughout my lifetime is the N word. My mother had a 3rd grade education and my father was a high school graduate from one of the old segregated negro schools in south Carolina where the negro high school only went to the 10th grade. I lived through and saw on TV the era of MLK, Malcolm X, Vietnam war, hippies, the Black panthers, Rosa Parks, etc. Despite all of this stuff I can honestly say that I have been happy most of my life. One regret I do have is that I wish I could meet my kindergarten (Mrs.. Johnson) teacher again to let her know I turned out OK. I am sure she worried about me a few times because I hit a few kids with blocks (those kids deserved it too). Yes, I did good for a ghetto kid.
I have accomplished a lot in my lifetime and will accomplish more as I expect to live for another 25 years or so.
Love,
Dad
Good to know my dad has that whole 25 more years thing figured out, I was worried you know....what a goofball.
My grandpa was murdered when my own dad was 19 and I know it's always been a painful memory for my dad. The other day we chatted and he mentioned his outgrowing his own dad and I realized it must have been on his mind for years, would he outgrow his father....
And then tonight on the phone with him before I had read the email he explained his golden bday thing and I was like, "Dad, your golden is the day you turn the same age as the day you were born," --in his case, 5--April 5th. He scoffed at me and said his golden was tomorrow. I will not dispute that.
Hi kids
Tomorrow I turn 53 years old which is a historic time for me as it is not only my golden birthday as I was born in 1953...but I have outlived my own father who died at 52. A lot has occurred in my lifetime. I was born COLORED in the Jim crow segregation era, became a NEGRO by the time I started school, turned BLACK in high school, and became an AFRICAN AMERICAN in college. Of course the only constant name throughout my lifetime is the N word. My mother had a 3rd grade education and my father was a high school graduate from one of the old segregated negro schools in south Carolina where the negro high school only went to the 10th grade. I lived through and saw on TV the era of MLK, Malcolm X, Vietnam war, hippies, the Black panthers, Rosa Parks, etc. Despite all of this stuff I can honestly say that I have been happy most of my life. One regret I do have is that I wish I could meet my kindergarten (Mrs.. Johnson) teacher again to let her know I turned out OK. I am sure she worried about me a few times because I hit a few kids with blocks (those kids deserved it too). Yes, I did good for a ghetto kid.
I have accomplished a lot in my lifetime and will accomplish more as I expect to live for another 25 years or so.
Love,
Dad
Good to know my dad has that whole 25 more years thing figured out, I was worried you know....what a goofball.
My grandpa was murdered when my own dad was 19 and I know it's always been a painful memory for my dad. The other day we chatted and he mentioned his outgrowing his own dad and I realized it must have been on his mind for years, would he outgrow his father....
And then tonight on the phone with him before I had read the email he explained his golden bday thing and I was like, "Dad, your golden is the day you turn the same age as the day you were born," --in his case, 5--April 5th. He scoffed at me and said his golden was tomorrow. I will not dispute that.
interpreting my dreams
from my new favorite website, images in my dreams explained:
Storm
To see a storm in your dream, signifies overwhelming struggle, shock, devastating loss and catastrophe in your personal affairs. The storm also represents unexpressed fears or emotions, such as anger, rage, turmoil, etc. On a more positive note, the storm signifies the rising of spirit within.
To dream that you take cover in a storm, foretells that whatever disturbance or problems is occurring in your life will quickly blow over. Consider also the phrase "weather the storm", which suggests your ability and strength to withstand whatever comes.
Tempest
To dream that you are caught in a tempest, signifies trouble and the indifference of friends.
Mountains
To see mountains in your dream, signifies many major obstacles and challenges that you have to overcome. If you are on top of the mountain, then it signifies that you have achieved and realized your goals. Alternatively, mountains denotes a higher realm of consciousness, knowledge, and spiritual truth.
To dream that you are climbing a mountain, signifies your determination and ambition.
Car
To dream that you are driving a car, denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. Whether you are driving the car or a passenger, is indicative of of your active role or passive role in your life. If you are in the backseat of the car, then it indicates that you are putting yourself down and are allowing others to take over. This may be a result of low self-esteem or low self-confidence. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.
To dream that you car has been stolen, indicates that you are being stripped of your identity. This may relate to losing your job, a failed relationship, or some situation which has played a significant role in your identity and who you are as a person. If you dream that your car is overheating, then it suggests that you are expending too much energy and need to slow down or run the risk of becoming burnt out. You may be taking on more than you can handle. It is time to take a breather.
To see a parked car in your dream, suggests that you need to turn your efforts and energies elsewhere. You may be needlessly spending your energy in a fruitless endeavor. Alternatively, a parked car my symbolize your need to stop and enjoy life. To dream that you cannot find where you parked your car, suggests that you do not know where you want to go in life.
School
To dream that you are in school, signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about performance and abilities. You may also be going through a "spiritual learning" experience. If you are still in school and dream about school, then it will naturally serve as a backdrop to your dream world. Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life.
Key
To see a key in your dream, symbolizes opportunities, access, control, secrets, or responsibilities. You may be locking away your own inner feelings and emotions. If you hear the sounds of keys rattling, then it indicates that you have the right attitude toward life. You are heading in the right direction and asking all the right questions in the process. It is also a sign of decisive action.
To dream that you lose your keys, signifies your fear of losing your position or status in life. You may have lost control of yourself. It may also foretells of unexpected changes and unpleasant adventures. If you give your key away, then it suggests that you have given up control of some situation or responsibility.
To dream that you find keys, signifies that you have found a solution to a problem.
To see broken keys in your dream, signifies many quarrels and possibly a break-up
Elevator
To dream that you are ascending in an elevator, signifies that you will quickly rise to status and wealth. You may have risen to a higher level of consciousness and are looking at the world from an elevated viewpoint. Descending in an elevator, denotes that misfortunes will crush and discourage you. The up and down action of the elevator may represent the ups and downs of your life go emerging out of and submerging into your subconscious.
To dream that the elevator is out of order or that it is not letting you off, symbolizes that your emotions have gotten out of control.
To dream that an elevator is falling out of control, refers to your fears of letting go. You may also be expressing your desire to give up and escape from some demanding situation. If the elevator stops just right before it crashes, then it indicates that if you hang on long enough, everything will turn out all fine in the end
Ship
To see a ship in your dream, denotes that you are exploring aspects of your emotions and unconscious mind. The state and condition of the ship is indicative of your emotional state. If it is a cruise ship, then it suggests pleasant moods. If it is a warship, then you are experiencing feelings of aggression.
To dream that you are sailing the high seas in a ship, denotes that you are standing tall in times emotional turmoil.
Storm
To see a storm in your dream, signifies overwhelming struggle, shock, devastating loss and catastrophe in your personal affairs. The storm also represents unexpressed fears or emotions, such as anger, rage, turmoil, etc. On a more positive note, the storm signifies the rising of spirit within.
To dream that you take cover in a storm, foretells that whatever disturbance or problems is occurring in your life will quickly blow over. Consider also the phrase "weather the storm", which suggests your ability and strength to withstand whatever comes.
Tempest
To dream that you are caught in a tempest, signifies trouble and the indifference of friends.
Mountains
To see mountains in your dream, signifies many major obstacles and challenges that you have to overcome. If you are on top of the mountain, then it signifies that you have achieved and realized your goals. Alternatively, mountains denotes a higher realm of consciousness, knowledge, and spiritual truth.
To dream that you are climbing a mountain, signifies your determination and ambition.
Car
To dream that you are driving a car, denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. Whether you are driving the car or a passenger, is indicative of of your active role or passive role in your life. If you are in the backseat of the car, then it indicates that you are putting yourself down and are allowing others to take over. This may be a result of low self-esteem or low self-confidence. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.
To dream that you car has been stolen, indicates that you are being stripped of your identity. This may relate to losing your job, a failed relationship, or some situation which has played a significant role in your identity and who you are as a person. If you dream that your car is overheating, then it suggests that you are expending too much energy and need to slow down or run the risk of becoming burnt out. You may be taking on more than you can handle. It is time to take a breather.
To see a parked car in your dream, suggests that you need to turn your efforts and energies elsewhere. You may be needlessly spending your energy in a fruitless endeavor. Alternatively, a parked car my symbolize your need to stop and enjoy life. To dream that you cannot find where you parked your car, suggests that you do not know where you want to go in life.
School
To dream that you are in school, signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about performance and abilities. You may also be going through a "spiritual learning" experience. If you are still in school and dream about school, then it will naturally serve as a backdrop to your dream world. Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life.
Key
To see a key in your dream, symbolizes opportunities, access, control, secrets, or responsibilities. You may be locking away your own inner feelings and emotions. If you hear the sounds of keys rattling, then it indicates that you have the right attitude toward life. You are heading in the right direction and asking all the right questions in the process. It is also a sign of decisive action.
To dream that you lose your keys, signifies your fear of losing your position or status in life. You may have lost control of yourself. It may also foretells of unexpected changes and unpleasant adventures. If you give your key away, then it suggests that you have given up control of some situation or responsibility.
To dream that you find keys, signifies that you have found a solution to a problem.
To see broken keys in your dream, signifies many quarrels and possibly a break-up
Elevator
To dream that you are ascending in an elevator, signifies that you will quickly rise to status and wealth. You may have risen to a higher level of consciousness and are looking at the world from an elevated viewpoint. Descending in an elevator, denotes that misfortunes will crush and discourage you. The up and down action of the elevator may represent the ups and downs of your life go emerging out of and submerging into your subconscious.
To dream that the elevator is out of order or that it is not letting you off, symbolizes that your emotions have gotten out of control.
To dream that an elevator is falling out of control, refers to your fears of letting go. You may also be expressing your desire to give up and escape from some demanding situation. If the elevator stops just right before it crashes, then it indicates that if you hang on long enough, everything will turn out all fine in the end
Ship
To see a ship in your dream, denotes that you are exploring aspects of your emotions and unconscious mind. The state and condition of the ship is indicative of your emotional state. If it is a cruise ship, then it suggests pleasant moods. If it is a warship, then you are experiencing feelings of aggression.
To dream that you are sailing the high seas in a ship, denotes that you are standing tall in times emotional turmoil.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
I used to write poetry
But my inspiration has been stagnant...for years, really, a ditty here and there.....my poetry books are nothing but dust gatherers these days, but if I were anything other than exhausted, these are the things/thoughts that would turn into poems.
sour strawberries
floating sadness
beauty that makes you nervous
dreaming truths
forces of crap
music always music my heart
laughter-think about it hard until it loses meaning and becomes just what it is.....
and always so on and forth-expressions elude me tonight.....
goo'night
sour strawberries
floating sadness
beauty that makes you nervous
dreaming truths
forces of crap
music always music my heart
laughter-think about it hard until it loses meaning and becomes just what it is.....
and always so on and forth-expressions elude me tonight.....
goo'night
Thursday, March 23, 2006
SIGH
You know how you have those dreams that are, well not necessarily realistic per se, but are GOOD dreams, where things you want to happen in real life are happening in the dream? And then, inevitably, your alarm goes off and you are in denial about the approaching day so you slam the snooze and roll over, with just enough delicacy to avoid that jolt into alertness/wakefulness. You return to your dream for 9 or 10 minutes more and even though the story line was interrupted it smoothes back into place with only slight variations, kind of like a page you folded over in a book-the words are bent slightly under the fold but the overall meaning remains the same…You press snooze a few more times until the folded page no longer lies calmly back down, but jumps up at you, distorting the dream enough so that it is no longer pleasant and the nagging feeling that you are going to be late for work because of a dream starts to tug at you and sleep finally falls away from you like a torn dress as you jump out of bed with an ashamed look on your face.
And then you GO to work and keep wondering why things are so dull and lifeless, and you long to be in the reality of the dream again, where things were vibrant and fabulous. Each dull task you do your mind wanders off to dream land and your bed calls your name from across the miles. Of course when you finally do get home, the magic dream dust has worn off and floated away and your waking state has reconciled itself to the reality of the moment. But when you go to bed again, just before you traverse the land between here and there, you remember the dream, the feeling, and the dream dust is all around you…..and maybe you smile but the next morning you know--with certainty--that that dream, that particular one, is gone for good. Maybe another will take its place, maybe not. Either way, it will still be hard to get to work on time.
And then you GO to work and keep wondering why things are so dull and lifeless, and you long to be in the reality of the dream again, where things were vibrant and fabulous. Each dull task you do your mind wanders off to dream land and your bed calls your name from across the miles. Of course when you finally do get home, the magic dream dust has worn off and floated away and your waking state has reconciled itself to the reality of the moment. But when you go to bed again, just before you traverse the land between here and there, you remember the dream, the feeling, and the dream dust is all around you…..and maybe you smile but the next morning you know--with certainty--that that dream, that particular one, is gone for good. Maybe another will take its place, maybe not. Either way, it will still be hard to get to work on time.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
take a deep breath and go!
Sooo.....this weekend is packed in a good way. As soon as the stores open I am going grocery shopping and for a brisk walk at Lake Michigan, then home to shower and pretty up...then off to my bros place to babysit for the first time a certain Kayla Bayla, light of my life. Hooray! Then straight off to a bday party tonight. ( I have to break the fast somewhere in there-prolly at my bros place, should I bring food or trust that he has something that I want to eat?pondering...)Then tomorrow it's off to theFlower and Garden Show. Which is funny because I don't even like flowers....just kidding, well. I have a thing for murdering plants. But I had so much fun when I went to the FnG show a few years ago that I have been dying to go again! Anyway, then the New Year celebration Monday night. Too much! Plus I am going to Santa Fe in September....for a wedding. Very exciting. I just reserved the hotel. At a resort in the mountains-it should be fantabulous. Just things to look forward to.....
O SON OF BEING!
Walk in My statutes for love of me and deny thyself that which thou desirest if thou seekest My pleasure.
-Baha'u'llah
oh! ok....
-Baha'u'llah
oh! ok....
Sunday, March 12, 2006
dance and grin
this is the BEST FAST EVER! yah, ok. it's my first one, but it really is the best, ok?
I am coming to an end, I feel, of a certain negative time in my life and gearing up to move on, so to speak. It is a problem that has plagued me for centuries (pardon my careless word exaggeration, but the feeling needed emphasis). I have seen a therapist about it, talked my friends ear's off about it, and pondered over it and it's overwhelming affect on all aspects of my life-and lately, of course, I have been reading and praying and meditating and fasting all the while going through this thing that a year ago would have had me on a bender, smoking and drinking and in general living in a frenzied state of attached denial-as opposed to my current more detached self now, state of love and giving, knowing that even though something worrisome is happening at the end of the month, that "Thou wilt never cause tribulations to befall any soul unless Thou desirest to exalt his station in Thy celestial Paradise and butress his heart in this earthly life with the bulwark of Thine all-compelling power, that it may not become inclined toward the vanities of this world."
Andrew, in his blog, spoke of "the power of sacrifice in the path of God, and of how liberating it truly is to lay ones desires down in favor of adhering to God's exhortations, admonitions, and statutes." And in all honesty, a year ago I would have maybe read that statement and said, "Yah,ok, like that stuff makes life better!"....but it has. I am so happy I chose this path. That is all.
I am coming to an end, I feel, of a certain negative time in my life and gearing up to move on, so to speak. It is a problem that has plagued me for centuries (pardon my careless word exaggeration, but the feeling needed emphasis). I have seen a therapist about it, talked my friends ear's off about it, and pondered over it and it's overwhelming affect on all aspects of my life-and lately, of course, I have been reading and praying and meditating and fasting all the while going through this thing that a year ago would have had me on a bender, smoking and drinking and in general living in a frenzied state of attached denial-as opposed to my current more detached self now, state of love and giving, knowing that even though something worrisome is happening at the end of the month, that "Thou wilt never cause tribulations to befall any soul unless Thou desirest to exalt his station in Thy celestial Paradise and butress his heart in this earthly life with the bulwark of Thine all-compelling power, that it may not become inclined toward the vanities of this world."
Andrew, in his blog, spoke of "the power of sacrifice in the path of God, and of how liberating it truly is to lay ones desires down in favor of adhering to God's exhortations, admonitions, and statutes." And in all honesty, a year ago I would have maybe read that statement and said, "Yah,ok, like that stuff makes life better!"....but it has. I am so happy I chose this path. That is all.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
tids and bits
So I've been blogging quite a bit lately.....in my head. Last night's was a doozy, an ode to music, if you will, and the glory of re-discovering Erasure (I LOVE ERASURE). There was a paragraph, at least, or maybe two, about how we all go through a stage of self-identity through music. I think I have grown out of that phase, mostly reserved for the college days when sameness and individuality seemed more vital to my definitions of happiness (I was a RUDE GIRL/Ska fan/Skanker galore). Some folks I know carry it through their young adult life and into adult life and beyond-and that's cool, but these days Netflix takes more of my time than anything.....
A week or two ago I wrote a long piece on the drama that is my garden apartment-flooding, strange dead animal smells, keys getting stuck in keyholes, an oven unused for seven years and grimy, spiders and centipedes, half-ass landlording and falling ceilings and gaping holes in the wall. Yeah, that piece was interesting. Someone told me they don't 'DO' garden apartments because of all the things that go wrong-someone definitely told me so.
Then, of course, all the snippets about Kayla. About how she looks like me. About how special it is (being adopted) for me and my twin to have something in our lives that is blood-related and now for the first time we can have the conversation non-adoptees have had their whole lives that used to make us feel left out-"She has your lips and my nose..." About how I am getting closer to Sylvia, the Mom and my bro's fiance, and how my parents are getting divorced and how that is subtly bringing my sibs and I closer together....the wonder of change!
Sometime in Jan I also wrote about how they fired the evil sales manager at work ( I also had at least two pieces on the evil sales manager-"I just LOVE money, I don't know about you!") and hired another one who is fantastic, and last week I mentioned how they are now listening in on my sales calls and finally my boss realizes how good I am at the job that I do not like so much.
I wrote a reflective piece about my friend who passed away and how when her name pops into my head it is not her or the essence of her my brain thinks about but the way I learned of her death. I wondered if others found this to happen (no one commented on my entry! in my head!) because I realized when I thought of Grandpa I also thought of howI found out he died, too and where I was. (Uncle Doug-"Have you heard? Oh well, Grandpa died. Ok bye!" I was in a car somewhere between New Orleans and Houston with friends and I was hungover.)
Of course there were the tidbits of humor as well-jokes and what not, and a bit of social commentary on the nature of cats and dogs, too.......I have been a busy woman-in my head.
Now I am preparing for my first fast. Reflections will abound, I'm sure. More blogging will happen, but whether it will be in my head or right here, remains to be seen...or unseen.....
A week or two ago I wrote a long piece on the drama that is my garden apartment-flooding, strange dead animal smells, keys getting stuck in keyholes, an oven unused for seven years and grimy, spiders and centipedes, half-ass landlording and falling ceilings and gaping holes in the wall. Yeah, that piece was interesting. Someone told me they don't 'DO' garden apartments because of all the things that go wrong-someone definitely told me so.
Then, of course, all the snippets about Kayla. About how she looks like me. About how special it is (being adopted) for me and my twin to have something in our lives that is blood-related and now for the first time we can have the conversation non-adoptees have had their whole lives that used to make us feel left out-"She has your lips and my nose..." About how I am getting closer to Sylvia, the Mom and my bro's fiance, and how my parents are getting divorced and how that is subtly bringing my sibs and I closer together....the wonder of change!
Sometime in Jan I also wrote about how they fired the evil sales manager at work ( I also had at least two pieces on the evil sales manager-"I just LOVE money, I don't know about you!") and hired another one who is fantastic, and last week I mentioned how they are now listening in on my sales calls and finally my boss realizes how good I am at the job that I do not like so much.
I wrote a reflective piece about my friend who passed away and how when her name pops into my head it is not her or the essence of her my brain thinks about but the way I learned of her death. I wondered if others found this to happen (no one commented on my entry! in my head!) because I realized when I thought of Grandpa I also thought of howI found out he died, too and where I was. (Uncle Doug-"Have you heard? Oh well, Grandpa died. Ok bye!" I was in a car somewhere between New Orleans and Houston with friends and I was hungover.)
Of course there were the tidbits of humor as well-jokes and what not, and a bit of social commentary on the nature of cats and dogs, too.......I have been a busy woman-in my head.
Now I am preparing for my first fast. Reflections will abound, I'm sure. More blogging will happen, but whether it will be in my head or right here, remains to be seen...or unseen.....
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
kayla bayla-isn't she lovely?
She is so bee-yoo-ti-ful. My niece was born Monday night healthy and small. Kayla-she sleeps a lot. She is the smallest little thing. I love her.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
like a school girl.
did i mention watching the sunrise over the ocean and rides on his scooter on the pier? turns out i'm a bit of a 'mantic...getting caught in the rain and huddling under some overhang on a deserted street.....long walks on the beach, oh ok, i'll shut up now. hee hee....it's saturday night and i have a birthday to attend, so ahem....i shall be going now....
to be or not to be
i am back from miami. i had a fab time and spent way to much money and met someone amazing. he lives there. i live here. i am wise enough to not entertain any foolish notions but i am confused and i am thinking and trying to figure something out. why is it i am so surprised to meet a good man? no, really, a GOOD man. wise, spiritual, loving, respectful, mature, giving. they are out there, they exist. they just haven't existed for me just yet. i don't know what would happen if i lived there, i don't dare speculate, but, sigh.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
pleasant surprise
How delightful that instead of going to work this morning I'm going to Miami! It's a last minute trip I decided to do on MONDAY.
Last weekend Maleko and I went to Navy Pier and Shedd Aquarium. I wish I had been a biology major in college because then I could play with dolphins instead of sell crap. By the way, seven-year-olds are fabulous.
Maybe I will go back to school...
Kari, the thing I was going to tell you is while home in Minnesota I went to a musical with my Mom, The Black Nativity at the Martin Luther King Center-and Jameela Pettiford was singing in it. Remember her from high school? Voice AH-mazing of course......and I found out Kelly is in fact planning our reunion.....ok. gotta go to Miami.
Favorite song of the week-Happy Birthday (??) by Stevie Wonder.....
ok, now i gotta go to Miami.
love all!
Last weekend Maleko and I went to Navy Pier and Shedd Aquarium. I wish I had been a biology major in college because then I could play with dolphins instead of sell crap. By the way, seven-year-olds are fabulous.
Maybe I will go back to school...
Kari, the thing I was going to tell you is while home in Minnesota I went to a musical with my Mom, The Black Nativity at the Martin Luther King Center-and Jameela Pettiford was singing in it. Remember her from high school? Voice AH-mazing of course......and I found out Kelly is in fact planning our reunion.....ok. gotta go to Miami.
Favorite song of the week-Happy Birthday (??) by Stevie Wonder.....
ok, now i gotta go to Miami.
love all!
Monday, January 16, 2006
i'm feeling like a criminal
remember how i lost my wallet? truth is i threw it away. didn't realize it until it was too late.
threw it away in a shopping bag. along with the receipt to the world's most expensive bra. yes, i said bra. i needed a new one. and i had a gift cert that i used to buy it at VS, it was more than $50. i did not throw the bra away. but i did realize a day or two later that the electronic magnetic tag thingy was still on. how did i get out the store without the loud and embarassing beep beep beeping at the door? your guess is as good as mine.
now the problem: how to remove the tag???could i take it back to the store? without the bag or receipt? i have been thinking about it for days-imagining the cops walking up behind me as i tell my story to the cashier, "No really, I swear I bought it here, I just threw away all evidence, um, I mean..."
no, i decided, the answer was to macgyver my way through the tag, crash course to thievery, or something like that. last night i tried to cut the metal part with a knife. didn't work. tried to pry it open with a fork. didn't work. banged it on the counter. didn't work. today i called the one person i know who spent a good portion of adolescence shoplifting or hanging out with shoplifters. i asked her not to be offended that i was asking, she wasn't. she said something about just having to poke a hole in the material and pulling it through and being content with a hole in your new item. it sounded ok so when i got home i tried using the hammer. hammer was actually encouraging because the pieces of plastic were flying off giving me the impression(false) that the hammer would work. but it didn't. i went online to see if i could find out some snazzy way to demagnetize the tag-you can actually do it if you have a power drill and a strong magnet-ihave neither. so i got the scissors and tried to cut the metal. didn't work. broke the scissors. bruised my hand and cut my palm. i am brilliant. then and only then i sighed. and tugged and pulled and tugged again until i had created a hole big enough to indeed pull it through. sigh. my hand hurts.
threw it away in a shopping bag. along with the receipt to the world's most expensive bra. yes, i said bra. i needed a new one. and i had a gift cert that i used to buy it at VS, it was more than $50. i did not throw the bra away. but i did realize a day or two later that the electronic magnetic tag thingy was still on. how did i get out the store without the loud and embarassing beep beep beeping at the door? your guess is as good as mine.
now the problem: how to remove the tag???could i take it back to the store? without the bag or receipt? i have been thinking about it for days-imagining the cops walking up behind me as i tell my story to the cashier, "No really, I swear I bought it here, I just threw away all evidence, um, I mean..."
no, i decided, the answer was to macgyver my way through the tag, crash course to thievery, or something like that. last night i tried to cut the metal part with a knife. didn't work. tried to pry it open with a fork. didn't work. banged it on the counter. didn't work. today i called the one person i know who spent a good portion of adolescence shoplifting or hanging out with shoplifters. i asked her not to be offended that i was asking, she wasn't. she said something about just having to poke a hole in the material and pulling it through and being content with a hole in your new item. it sounded ok so when i got home i tried using the hammer. hammer was actually encouraging because the pieces of plastic were flying off giving me the impression(false) that the hammer would work. but it didn't. i went online to see if i could find out some snazzy way to demagnetize the tag-you can actually do it if you have a power drill and a strong magnet-ihave neither. so i got the scissors and tried to cut the metal. didn't work. broke the scissors. bruised my hand and cut my palm. i am brilliant. then and only then i sighed. and tugged and pulled and tugged again until i had created a hole big enough to indeed pull it through. sigh. my hand hurts.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
this is me hibernating for the winter, except there is greenery in my winter.
long and short of it:
i lost my wallet
i have no money and at the moment no way of getting money
i have made some very serious new year's resolutions
i have officially fallen in love with chicago
my brother and his fiance are having a baby in three weeks
life is about to be amazing
i have stories that should be told. ideally to friends who are too busy to call me-if that is you you need to pick up the phone. unless you are in a different country.
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